1 st December.

1 December
Woke up at 3.30 having had a good sleep, wind is howling around the houses and I am glad I have a roof over my head.
Went to toilet, was a painful experience but feel much better!
Must have been constipated for a while because the relief is tremendous.
Feeling very relieved.
Tried out mp3 I downloaded yesterday, has given me some ideas for auto suggestion which will come in useful for making a meditation routine may be able to combine it with a self hypnosis routine.
Have had some chew with TV this morning it didn’t want to turn on and refused to operate from remote, can’t tell if it’s the fault of the TV or the remote, at least it operates from manual.

The self-hypnosis idea is similar to what I had planned in as much as it focuses on the positive aspects of one’s life, in this case reasons to be grateful, or as Ian would have said reasons "to be cheerful".
The sense of gratitude is used to dispel the negative feelings, fear hurt, etc.
By focusing on the reasons to be grateful in one’s life the negative elements are nudged out of the mind and relaxation is allowed to enter, there is an option to embrace a higher being if wanted but not necessary.
Listening to the wind howling I remember that night in Scotland when I shared a squat with a junkie,
Ÿ I sit in centrally heated room cosy and snug, that’s one big reason to be grateful.
Ÿ My health and desire to improve same is another,
Ÿ My parents and the fact they are still there for me is another,
Ÿ Things around me, my possessions;
Ÿ Money in bank,
Ÿ Car, ability to go where I want,
Ÿ Lack of debt,
Ÿ Living in a village full of people who wish me no harm.
Ÿ Freedom to live my life as I want,
True I have no friends but being a Billy no mates has never bothered me in the past.
I have no partner or chance of a relationship but that is because I am not ready for one.
I am on my own and intend to be so until I sort out my life.
My mood today is good, I feel much better than of late.
Yesterday I washed and shaved before going into the village to collect my money and order a repeat prescription.
I called in the butchers for my usual steak pie and had a couple of pints in an almost deserted pub.
Pensioners talking about their holidays and bargains for Xmas, bar staff talking about their Xmas party plans and a couple of solitary drinkers like me.
I sat for perhaps an hour taking in the snippets of conversation and went to hole in wall to draw out some money;
called into supermarket and bought cheap bottle of Vodka.
I look at the bottle and have drunk a third of it, which accounts for good sleep, I presume.
A third of a bottle works out cheaper than the two pints, which cost me £4.00!

All in all the day passed quite well, I’d much prefer a good sleep than to be sat watching TV shows.
The wind is gale force; I think back to my last house with all its draughts and faults and am glad I’m cocooned in my little flat snug and warm.

I cannot explain the power of good that a restful spell of sleep does to me.
I must have been comfortable because neck and back pain is minimal,
I remember making a nice meal of gammon, chips and egg so probably went to bed around tea time, making almost 12 hrs, sleep, good deep, quality rest.

I have strived over the last few months to empty my mind of worries, not ignoring them just learning not to let them rule my life and emotions, in doing so I become a more relaxed person and that is my key to feeling better.

I’ve always been laid back but most of that was due to smoking Cannabis,
I can now attain a similar state without the use of drugs, to be at ease with oneself is an art;
to begin to be satisfied with surroundings and adopt a way of life, which may be uncongenial but befits my wants.
I have no routine to adhere to because of lack of commitments such as work so therefore can use the 24 hrs as I please.
True I may spend long periods of time in my chair and sleep longer than most people but I see sleep as being part of my medication, it is a form of relaxation which my body needs to overcome my condition.
I do things such as chores etc when and if I am able.
I think nothing to getting up in the early hours of the morning and tidying up or doing course work, often tuning into the learning zone or simply passing the time on the typewriter.

Its not as if I was getting up to continue drinking, I am still smoking but that is my only bad habit.


Yet another month begins with me still trying to give smoking up,
I really have been useless in my attempts to stop smoking and lose weight or exercise;
must try harder!
If they are only things that are troubling me then life cannot be too bad.
I think of making a fry up for breakfast but dismiss the idea;
I’ll have something later on.

The room begins to chill down a little, will have to put heating back on if I’m stopping up, may return to bed till neighbour has gone to work before getting up and doing housework.
There is the possibility of a collection today so will have to stay in, wouldn’t want to be out and about in this weather so just as well I ventured abroad yesterday.

I decide to have a breakfast, bacon, egg and beans; just the job!
The fat in the frying pan has been flavoured by the gammon steaks I’ve been having so the bacon tastes great.

Quick look through the newspapers, even quicker look through my e. mail and I’m sorted;
my arse still hurts from the earlier straining!
Did intend to do some course work but am not in the mood and I also don’t like using the keyboard in lamplight.
Can almost type in the dark so this practise must be doing some good.
Looks like I’ll be returning to bed.
11: AM
Woken up for the second time today, sunny and breezy, I’d left window wide open when I returned to bed and the room is fresher for it.
I feel more tired now than when I first got up in the early hours.

TV. is still playing up, there’s the numbers 222 flashing on the screen and it only works intermittently from remote.
Managed to switch it on manually but not happy.
I hate it when things don’t work, as they should.

Just spent ages on the phone to an Indian technical support assistant.
He had me plugging and unplugging everything in and out of the TV.
Tried at one point to convince me the sky box was at fault but I argued it wasn’t;
tried the DVD player and p.c., (that takes some connecting and unconnecting!).
Apparently there is a menu option, which is as follows.

Menu, dsp, left, right and centre buttons, which should open a menu, to allow hard reset.
Unfortunately the TV isn’t responding too well to remote so am unable to access the solution.
I have an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach, I hope it’s not on its way out.
He assured me the hard reset would solve the problem and has said he will pass the case onto another technician, should hear from them either later today or Monday.

What with one thing and another my days are taken up with waiting to be contacted either by collection people or technicians.
Went to shop and bought some new batteries but when I tried them, no joy, TV wouldn’t respond at all to remote.
In the end I made myself a curry, had a drink and went to bed about 6.