10 th.January.

10/01/2007
Up at twelve, was going to be a non smoking day, also shopping day but one look at the grey cloudy skies and I went to shop for baccy deciding to stay in.
Am feeling poorly but nothing specific so took meds this a.m. just in case was something to do with mental condition.
Feel very lethargic, stomach is churning and I don’t feel like doing anything.
I thought of having a drink and returning to bed but its too late, not enough time to get any effect so will be a long day.
Yesterday was long but the college work passed the time till teatime, I had a couple of drinks mainly cider and lemonade.
Heart is thumping in my chest and making me a little scared at times.
I have a meal ready to eat, prepared on Monday.
Going to be a struggle to get through today; why? I don’t know.
I breathe deeply in an effort to calm myself down; body seems to be agitated.
I think I’ll have an easy day today and tomorrow and then get myself pulled round on Friday.
I have sunk into a rut and need to pull my boots up and get real.
I am making myself unwell and the mood that accompanies this feeling is not good.
I am not depressed just feel like shit,
I was coughing last night and thought I may have picked up something.
Perhaps I’ve let myself go and am feeling vulnerable.
I’ll crank up the heating and do some more course work to pass the afternoon.
EMBARRASSED head of Prison Service admitted that more than 700 prisoners absconded from open jails in one year.
MORE than 20 convicted murderers absconded from Leyhill open jail, near Bristol, in one year.
IMMIGRATION official was suspended over allegations he offered to help teenage asylum seeker in return for sex.
Yet more reasons to be sceptical of the Governments ability to keep tabs on people who surely pose a threat to the general public.

When you drink every night you never really recover.
It's subtle, but life is a permanent hangover.
There's no headache. No pounding, except in your chest as you worry and wonder if or when it will end.
But there's a cloud that follows you. Your life is coated in it. That grey, dismal atmosphere pervades. No sunlight can find its way through.

You have to start precisely at the midway point between beer number two and three
I was an addict from the day I was born.
There was always the emptiness. And I've used up so many ways to kill its drum.
Each one at the onset, softening the thunder.
Only to eventually make it so much louder.
Everything we really want is a drug when you look at it close enough.
If it weren't we wouldn't want it so much.
I wasn't lost. I just didn't want to know where I was going.
In my sober, during the day mind, it doesn't make sense to me at all.
Why I keep on doing what I'm doing.
But night falls, a few TV shows pass and it all makes perfect sense.
In any life a reason to go on is required.
You simply can't live for nothing.
To die eventually,
But ultimately, first and foremost to live.
Nature designed us that way and we grapple with that responsibility every second our heart ticks away.
All the while hating how well it carries the wounds of our self poisoning.
Seeking no reason to convince ourselves we should live.
But instead gathering the reasons there are to keep killing ourselves. As slowly as I will.In every life there is a reason. Even for alcoholics.
People scoff at depression.
Assuming it's an attitude rather than a condition.
They devour the words and the images it creates.
Forgetting the person.
We played the lottery with our happiness.
Scratching off so many useless tickets.
Life is but a clumsy ballet choreographed by whim.
Where all the dancers are crippled
You can lie about many things.
But truth isn't a fact. It's a perception.
You count the beers. The minutes that dissipate between them.
Source? Probably same as before.