11 th.November.

11 November
Woke up at 9.30 and first thought was return to bed.
It’s a lovely sunny day but as I discovered when I had to go to the shop to get some electric credit and a packet of cigarette papers; its windy and cold.

Now, sat with big jumper on, socks and slippers it’s just about bearable,
But I’m still cold yet I refuse to put heating on when sunlight is streaming into the room.

After going to the toilet I vow not to eat so many peanuts in one session again;
Pebble dashed the porcelain!
In myself I feel better,

I have very little baccy left and plan to finish it and then abstain for how long?
I dunno.
I break wind and immediately wish I’d opened the window a little more,
the aroma lingers, no doubt due to the amount of veg eaten yesterday.

I’ve neglected the exercise machine for a few days, and with the dodgy stomach I’ve got now I think it will remain unused today.
I change the radio from Jazz to meditation music in an effort to relax as my stomach rumbles ominously away.

Yesterday was the first chance and therefore the first time in over a year I’ve prepared chips.
I now have enough options i.e. different methods of cooking to cover most food items.
Microwave, mini oven, two hotplates and a deep fat fryer still think I chose the better option than buying a cooker.
I intend to take more interest in what I’m eating and try to keep to a middle path.
My father has so far supplied all the veg I’ve needed and potatoes are also from his garden so no worries about pesticides or additives there.
I had fruit also yesterday which will have loosened my bowels no doubt. End of subject.

What mood am I in?
I have only myself to ask.
A question that reminds me I haven’t taken my tablets yet.
I drain the second cup of tea and decided to have a coffee while taking the tabs.
Mood?
A positive one,
I intend to finish off the baccy,

Flush myself out with some fruit and juice and probably return to bed.
These last few weeks I haven’t been eating properly, making meals out of whatever was left in the cupboards.
I look at the floor beside my chair and there is the familiar sight of an empty tin of tuna;
a preferred snack which I enjoyed last night before retiring.
I made a conscious decision this time whilst shopping to stock up on fruit and tins of tuna to replace the more usual snacks of crisps etc.
I get a pain in my chest a reminder that I must stop smoking.

I had thought about doing some voluntary work but have decided to put everything on hold till next spring.
I don’t want to be outside during the winter months.
Volunteering for work abroad is far too expensive for me so I will look locally, the local free press has offered up a site for later investigation. http://www.rcvda.org.uk/
So here I sit, room lit by sunlight, music loud enough to overcome tinnitus, relaxed, and feet up, smoking purposely to get rid of baccy.

Most working people will be getting up now after having their allotted lie-in after a week’s work.
They will have the jobs to do that they couldn’t manage during the week then no doubt will be either planning to go to the pub or buying in alcohol to pass the weekend away.
I decided this weekend would be booze free and soon smoke free, tomorrow at least, possibly later today.
The sounds have chilled me out;
My stomach is bloated and I’m struggling a little to breathe;
the wind picks up strength and rattles the door in its frame.
Usually by this time of year I’d be getting into my hibernation period but the unusually fine weather has affected the period.
I suspect by the end of this month the weather will return to normal and dark and grey will become the norm.

I make a note of the value of electric left and decided to keep an eye on consumption.
My stomach is huge, resembling a pregnancy!
I was going to give my mate a ring and see if he wanted to go to a gig tonight, but considering the probability that he’d be skint and the night would cost quite a bit, I reconsider and decided to watch the evenings TV offering instead.
By the time I’d paid £18 for tickets, £10 for drinks and another £10 for a bottle of whisky later it makes a dear night’s entertainment.
I make another rollie and look at what remains, possibly enough for another three or four, could be finished quite soon.
I have tried this method of stopping a few times and most times been successful.
Smokes whatever’s left and sicken body.
Chain-smoking to excess is of course a bit like playing Russian roulette when one has a heart problem but that’s the way I do it.

I paused to look at the flower tubs this morning,
The weather has killed off the crystanths but the busy Lizzies and lobelia are hanging on for grim death, still a nice show of colour.

I take a deep breath and struggle to fill my lungs;
Usually when I smoke like this I’m drinking alcohol to help me sleep when baccy is finished,
That usually ends up with me vomiting,
Today, no alcohol.
I look at the fruit bowl and am reminded that yesterday I mixed some pieces of tangerine in with the carrots while boiling them, will be interesting to see if they picked up the taste.
I also recall having several pieces of raw veg, turnip and carrot so no wonder my bowels are loose.
I’m giving myself a good clean out.
I sneeze violently and am reminded that winter will soon be taking a grip.
Another trip to the loo,
The cider has certainly taken its toll upon my water works.

I’m on my fourth cuppa and each one has been accompanied by a trip to the loo.
De-tox?
If I can give up the smokes for a few days and concentrate on eating healthy I should feel the benefit.
Fruit, veg and plenty of water; exercise resumed.
I feel confident in my mind,
If it turns into reality; all well and good.
I tend to neglect myself as I do the housework, three to four days at a time.

I re- roll the contents of the ashtray, which removes temptation after the baccy has gone and helps to create a fowl taste in my mouth as well as upsetting stomach.
Immediately my stomach reacts and a hunger like sensation is felt, I ate enough yesterday to see me through so I know I’m not hungry.
I stocked up on ham slices and tomatoes when I shopped so healthy sandwiches will be the order of the day for a while.
It will be interesting to see how long the supplies last perhaps a month or more.
The rollie is strong in taste and more so because of the lack of a tip.
A mild headache comes on and a taste of old stale ash fills my mouth.
Mild toothache comes on reminding me I’ve been putting of a trip to my dentist for over 6 months now since the ache started!

I close my eyes and momentarily try to relax, allowing the rollie to smoke right down to the makeshift crumpled paper tip, so as not to leave any baccy which could be later re-rolled.
The two-ounce pouch of baccy has lasted 5 days.
So the cost has been about £1 per. day counting the cost of papers.
Because of the relative cheapness of the addiction there is little incentive, financially to quit.
If I was smoking tailor mades, say 40 per day the cost would be somewhere near £10 per day! Which would undoubtedly spur me to give up.

I’ve seen people opt for the occasional cigar in an effort to cut down or quit the cigarettes but at 75 pence each it’s a dear way of replacing one evil with another.

I want to quit because I want to give myself a chance to feel better.

If I can quit long enough to feel the benefits then that will be incentive enough.
I remember how chuffed, and surprised I was when the exercise level grew when I stopped for a few days a couple of weeks ago.
I was able to double the amount without getting short of breath.
I want to feel like that again.
I’m also sick of the place smelling like a badly ventilated public house.
I will stop!
A few days should be enough to make a difference.

Three days and I know I’ll be breathing easier and not making so much noise at nighttime.
I have cupboards full of food, freezer full of healthy options so I’m ready to try.
Will need sleep to overcome the first few hours, unfortunately doctors will no longer consider giving me sleeping tablets so I have to struggle trough the first 24 hour period.
That is the worst time. Especially if the waking period falls into the first 24, which it will.
Tomorrow I can occupy myself cleaning up so I’ll have something
to do.
Once again my bladder calls and I decided to have a glass of orange juice,
Tea not being strong enough to have any effect on the taste in my mouth.
I empty ashtray at same time.
Orange tasted nice and I drink greedily.
Sun disappears as clouds quickly cover the gaps. The room gets colder and darker as the grey clouds cover most of the sky.

I close window and slip on my fleece dressing gown, not wanting to put fire on because feel I will be returning to bed soon.
Had a look around Redcar and district volunteer group, may be interested in joining.
I check my wallet and find there’s a chance I may be able to save some extra money this week if I stay in for the next five days.
My saving has been up to expectations so far and I’ve surprised myself at times when I sit and tally how much has accrued over the last year.
I have no idea what I’m saving for or why it is seemingly important to save,
I simply put away what’s not spent and it’s building up accordingly.
I never had the chance to save before because to be honest most of money was accounted for and I’ve spent the last four years paying off a bank loan for improvements to someone else’s house,
A mistake I will never make again.

I made a decision months ago to keep off the alcohol and keep out of the routine of social drinking,
I do spoil myself with the odd bottle of spirits but do not give regular amounts to pub landlords.
I have enough money to live on without being in debt and have saved money, which is paid unseen to me.
Yet another rollie bites the dust.

The sun struggles to shine but the clouds are building in mass and defying its attempts.
Once again I take a break to urinate and succeed in cleaning off the remaining pebbledash, a small but significant achievement in its own right!
The temperature is definitely falling now, the only source of heat being what the plasma gives off.
The clouds are fair racing by and a small patch of blue remains but I think that will be the end of the sunshine for today.
Briefly I think how welcome some gear would be on a day like this but having successfully cut out the dope as a prerequisite to stopping smoking it isn’t an option.
Been almost five months now since I was smoking half an ounce per week.
July was the month when I was sold a pup of a deal and rebelled by giving it up.
I’ve had half an ounce since then in two purchases of a quarter each and wasn’t too pleased with the quality,
So in a way the drug pushers have helped me get out of the habit by touting inferior quality smoke.

I’ve switched between several different types of tobacco since then,

Each change upsetting my stomach enough to warrant dislike and now eventual wanting to quit.
I have one lit and possibly enough for two small ones after which I hope to sleep and wake up without too much of a craving.
I’ve prepared by having enough to snack on healthily and just hope can do it;
I feel if I can survive a few days then I’ll quit completely.
I have tried, and failed several times since July but haven’t given up hope or trying.
It may seem a strange approach, chain smoking till one gets sick of smoking but it’s the only way which has come close to succeeding.

01:10 PM and the sky has darkened over,
I won’t feel so guilty about returning to bed for a few hours.
Sleep brings mixed blessings;
For a while I was plagued by night mares, memories of what I’d been through these last few years but now I find the majority of sleep is restful and I feel better for that.
At times like this I remember my Mother’s advice when I first left home,
“If you’re ever skint or cold you can always go to bed”

I use sleep as an escape, a way of passing the time and a way of working out problems,
For indeed many times problems have been solved or reduced by a few hours sleep.

Sometimes its possible to switch off entirely other times sleep is broken and disturbed.
I remember times when I misused prescription drugs to sleep.
The whole sky is dark now and I have to turn on the lamp to see the keyboard.
Rain will be soon.
I take a pinch of dry baccy out of the corner of the packet and roll the penultimate cig.
Having emptied the ashtray I have no way of knowing how many I’ve chain-smoked, perhaps 10 or more,
I cannot truthfully say any one was memorably enjoyable.
I cough and am reminded of why I want to quit.
It would be all too easy to go to the shop and re-stock but I will fight against that wish.
The mist and rain come in and I wished I’d bought a bottle of whisky to help me sleep.
I consider the option, knowing full well its just a thought to get me to the shop,
do I really want to venture out again into the cold to get a bottle?
I decide yes.
Hell you have to get something out of life!
Whisky orange and lemonade, half pint.
Decided to try out a new whisky, I’ve never had it before 5 yr, old Premium whisky;
O.K. the credentials are poor but the price was right,
£10 per. Pint bottle.
I tried a little on its own before adding the mixer and it appeared a little brandyish to me,
My Father would probably like it,
Cannot taste it at all with mixer in,
But hopefully will have some effect.
I add another slug and get a slight taste.
I sit back for a moment letting it slip down and enter stomach, a couple of mild silent belches is the only reaction so its acceptable.

With drinking comes, yes, smoking,
I have only one and a half cigs left so that relationship will not last long.

I’d brushed my teeth before leaving for the shop, not wanting to knock over the assistants with the smell of stale tobacco, my mouth now tastes of the drink and my stomach is warming.

Doorbell goes and it’s the local dealer asking if I want skunk!

I politely refuse adding I’m trying to give up smoking and am on last of baccy,
If he’d called this morning I wonder what the answer would have been, probably same because skunk is too expensive and besides which its probably someone’s home grown been cropped.
Either way I remain dope free.
Like the slogan said just say no.

I pour another drink and scold myself mentally for being too idle to walk to the fridge to get ice cubes!
The sounds on the radio are predominantly bird song and I try to remember the times spent in Scotland listening to the bird song, relaxing times.
The whisky has put a bit of life into me, or was it the effort of going to the shop?
The sun breaks through the clouds for a moment and its rays fall upon me.
I take a deep breath and slow myself down, both physically and mentally, taking time out to listen to the birdsong.
I would have to drink a lot of whisky to get myself sleepy so will not even try.
I drink it because I enjoy it, preferring it to filling my guts with fizzy beer or lager.
My doctor no doubt would raise an eyebrow and have something to say but screw him.
I put yet another generous measure into the glass; I can now tell there is spirit in the drink!
I relax.

02:12 PM
No doubt football fans everywhere will be getting keyed up for their afternoon’s entertainment,
Some fuelled by cans of lager no doubt.
I belch a couple of times and the taste of whisky fills my throat.
My fingers have warmed up and I feel quite relaxed apart from the niggling toothache,
I must go and get the offending molar out!
Yet another tombstone lost, soon there won’t be enough to chew a steak;
I make mental note to treat myself to a nice steak in the near future.
I look at the bottle,
Neck and shoulders empty, that would have cost me about £6.00 in the pub yet only a couple of quid from the Supermarket.
Shop well and shop wise.
I’ve had quality and quantity and prefer latter.
I see no point in buying named whisky to mix,
There’s no point in that.
Do I drink to get drunk?
Very seldom reach that status.
Only time I get drunk is when Ash and myself have a session and that’s only been about six times in two years or more.
A one to one.
Safe behind closed doors with sufficient to eat, smoke and drink; we used to enjoy such times.
Hell I thought a couple of times this weekend about phoning him…

Guess I’m just a selfish old Hector!

I scratch my balls and place them out of reach of the clinging netting inside my tracksuit bottoms.
The fact that there is only enough baccy for one last smoke is making me choose when to have it.
Drinking and smoking have been such powerful parts of my life; they go together like bread and butter.

The sun has well past my window yet continues to send sideways rays against the wall behind me, as a result the room warms up a little and I feel comfortable.

Having money to spare has never really changed me,
I know the money is available but don’t feel a need to spend it just because its there, but its nice to spoil oneself without having to worry if I’m robbing Peter to pay Paul.
People who drink everyday in the pubs and clubs do so behind closed doors and not many people see them; however if you buy your drink from the local supermarket or off license people see you and often as not will tell others,
I.e. “I saw him buying whisky”
Hell you’d think prohibition was still in force.
I choose to drink spirits because my stomach will not tolerate any amount, I.e.’ half a gallon in bulk.
At one time I used to drink up wards to 17 pints per day, often having shorts afterwards,
But now the stomach will only tolerate a small amount of ale;
I will not pay pub prices for shorts unless they are reasonable so the only option left is to buy my own.
A £10 bottle will at least last me two sessions, which is the equivalent in price to three pints, often less in some pubs.
I get more out of half a bottle than I do from three pints.
My record for drinking whisky has to be the day I did the top shelf in a little pub in Scotland,
The police called in about once a month so the opening times were laq.
I’ve drunk 40+ shorts in an afternoon and walked,
I no longer am under any pressure,
In fact I never was because few people would go head to head with me with either rum or whisky.
I’ve therefore done it, got the t-shirt, and with age have got sense of what my body can cope with.
I’m farting like a trooper but without the previous accompanying smell.

The alternative to sitting here would be to be sat in the pub listening to the pensioners telling about their latest holidays or sat in the club watching the crossword group,
Perhaps the local football team would be at home drinking lager at a £1 a can, I must be a working class snob.
I polish off my second glass of whisky etc and smack my lips,
There’s possibly enough lemonade to fill another so I retire once again to the loo.
I decide to have ice this time.

I sit and sneeze several times in succession, each sneeze sending shock waves through my body, but none bringing anything up from my throat so I suppose I should be grateful.
Nice tall glass of whisky lemon and ice.
Perfect.
Why I feel guilty about spending money on luxuries,
I don’t know, but guilty I do feel.
For a number of years I drunk spirits every day, both after work and as a means of de- stressing and for pleasure.
I now drink when I want and have no qualms about doing so apart from I’m spending money, which could have been saved.
Still the baccy remains in the corner of the packet.

I decide now is the time to smoke it.
This one I WILL ENJOY.

I can sit and picture some of the clubs and pubs I used to frequent,
I am able to visualise who will be in, where they will be sat
and often as not their conversation, if any.
I draw deeply on what could be my last cig.
I must admit I’m enjoying it.

One good thing about drinking in wintertime is the ice lasts longer!
03:07 PM
Have pleasantly wasted the day,
I tap off the ash and the end falls off so that’s the last cig finished.
How long will I last?
Lets see.
Noticed the spell check is no longer working, when I investigated was told the reception had been reduced by a foot and was therefore out of range.
Clever!
Moved receptor, working again.
Right, positive thinking, what have I achieved this weekend?
Tidied up kitchen, prepared veg. kept out of pub, refused offer of dope, practised typing, relaxed, smoked baccy without buying more, Learnt how to use fryer, found new whisky, passed time, thought about future,