13 th. December.

13 December
Wet and windy, grey skies slowly breaking up; a dismal day.
Did a lot of research yesterday into the medication I’m taking and have considered the side effects and have decided to stop taking the med for a while.
Side effects include.
Ÿ Headaches.
Ÿ Dry mouth and difficulty swallowing.
Ÿ Constipation.
Ÿ Blurred vision.
Ÿ Dizziness when arising from chair.
Ÿ Significant weight gain.
Ÿ Lethargy.

I realise the implication involved in stopping the meds, the biggest danger being a relapse.
But I’ve considered this and have come to the conclusion that my life style is so markedly different now from the time of my first trouble.
I no longer have anything like the pressures I had formerly,
no partner and family to agitate me and my life is so much simpler.
I feel confident that I can cope and have enough sense to be aware of any impending problems.
The main side effect that has caused concern is the weight gain.

Having come off Cannabis and thus freed from the associated “munchies”, I see no reason to sit and watch the weight pile on.
One of my goals for the winter period was to lose weight and get fitter so I will continue with that plan and hopefully the mental condition will not rear up again.

True some of the side effects may be linked to other sources, i.e. the headache may be because of the tooth ache, but I’ve collapsed at least three times from dizziness when I’ve walked upstairs or got up from the bed or chair. I see no reason to put myself at risk.

I have stopped drinking socially, got my environment as safe as possible, kept off the Cannabis for a substantial length of time.
Learnt to take time out of the daily routine to relax.
There is little else I could do.
Time will tell.

I get up to make a coffee and go downstairs to collect post; weekly giro, once again I’ve saved two week’s payments up.
A couple of Xmas cards written out, first time in nearly 30 years I’ve written my own cards out!

I look through the window and watch a disabled lad struggle to carry something back to a waiting car; my lot doesn’t seem so bad.
It takes instances like that to get one to look at the positive aspects of one’s situation.
I often look at acquaintances and strangers and immediately think “how the hell would I live like that?” Could I cope?

Its like I said earlier, if one can feel gratitude for what one has then how can other emotions overtake?
Emotions such as self-pity and anger are dispersed to the wind when I see someone struggling yet coping with an infirmity or disability.
There are a lot of wheelchair users in the village and I’m respectful to them all.
Others have coped with loss and overcome serious operations etc. all deserve respect.

True my life may not be perfect and is lacking in some respects but I know I’m in the process of rebuilding a new and totally different lifestyle; any goals I had in the past have been swept away and my mind and body are open to new suggestions.

I had planned that this year would be my year of change; I have till February to complete the majority of change.
Next year may be needed to complete the transition but at least I’ve made the start.
That was at the crux of my abnormal behaviour, my longing to throw off a life that was rapidly becoming all engulfing and as such unacceptable to me.
I had lived long enough with making do and needed a fresh approach. A new start,
I felt as if I was being stifled with the petty everyday aspects and cares of life.
There were several avenues open to me, I could have easily fell by the wayside and simply become one of the daily figures sat on seats in the local pubs and clubs; could have drifted from partner to partner in an attempt to prove my continued masculinity.

I decided to be happy in myself before seeking similar happiness with someone else.
I have obtained a reasonable level of financial security and in doing so have come to realise what is actually important in life; at the same time allowing me the opportunity to obtain anything I choose to enhance my life.
I’ve gone from existing to living.
For thirty years I’ve simply existed, lived the best I could with what I had been dealt;
I now have the chance to take control of my life to allow myself to take time to make decisions, try out different options and reject what isn’t important.
I no longer live for others and have no qualms about living a life that may not be the norm;
(Not that I’ve ever lived a “normal” life).

Too many people I’ve knew have settled for routine and lived a mere existence from day to day passing it as they think others will expect them to do.
To become social furniture.
As much a fixture in the chosen pub as the furniture.
I go on about my breaking with the routine of being a daily drinker but that was a very important step for me, it released me socially and more importantly financially from a dangerous routine.
I remember one old businessman giving me some advice, he told me not to tell too many people about how relaxed my life was because they would become jealous, and jealous people often try to hurt people in any way they can.

Living in a big house; many people thought I didn’t deserve to be in such accommodation,
they were unaware of the preparatory work I’d put in, hundreds of hours work to get a house habitable.
Some people have egos to feed and seek out similar company; others have reputations to carry on. Some simply see their lives as being traditional,
spawned no doubt by the lifestyles of their friends and family.
From early in my working life, a few pints after work was the norm and the majority of the work force adopted the same.

Had a go on exercise machine and recorded two scores of 144 and 158,
Am pleased with increase in scores and will initially aim to do 15 mins each day.

Went to shop, couple of bottles of lemonade, pint of Vodka and £40 on electric,
Should last for a while.
Not really in mood for a drink but decided to watch Tom Petty DVD and have a quiet afternoon.
Have Tom playing in background and am trying to cope with toothache and think of something to write; vodka, orange and lemon will eventually help with pain; hopefully.
Why I bought the vodka, heaven only knows especially when I have half a litre of whisky left, maybe just fancied a change.
Vodka slips down so easy when mixed with orange to take the taste away.

Sky darkens as the rain clouds once again gather to blanket the sky with a grey shroud.
The whole of the country has been getting more than its fair share of rain lately, some areas have been put on flood alert; no doubt the water companies will be grateful for the replenishment of the reservoirs.

I remember long days fishing the local obsolete reservoir catching the occasional fish, a quick rain shower and the fish once again begin to bite with enthusiasm,
I presume must be the increase in the Oxygen levels provided by the rain drops.
The assistance of a quick shower is even more true in summer when the water temperature has been raised to a level when the fish, I presume become lethargic.
I plan to take up fishing once again in March, I haven’t seriously fished for nearly ten years now, and the occasional week on holiday has been the limit. I used to fish 12 hours per day 5 days per week and was good.

Fishing isn’t something to strive to be good at; I took the time to get to know the water and as a consequence could get a good days fishing from it regardless of the weather conditions.
4.30 in the morning, waiting for the early mist to clear off the water’s surface, fishing till 6 p.m. then a couple of pints and home to bed to prepare for the next day.
I left freshwater fishing for a while because mis- management had spoilt the local waters and I turned to sea fishing.
For years I’d braved the winter conditions in search of shore or pier caught cod.
I decided to opt for boat fishing and enjoyed the early morning starts with a local boat owner, often as not we were the only occupants, sometimes joined by another keen angler who saw fishing as a way of getting beer money and fish for his freezer.
In fairness he put a lot of effort into fishing and shamed me when it came to rod movement!
Bouncing a heavy perk off an uncertain bottom is hard work!

I simply enjoyed the solitude and feeling of being at one with the sea, while remembering how dangerous it can be, snatching a few hours relative safely till the sea governed we had to return to shore when it regained its title of master.

Toms' just summed the days fishing up.
“Some days are diamond and some days are rough?”

I remember when I acquired a boat of my own and three of us went fishing for mackerel,
I used freshwater tackle and got a helluva buzz out of landing a fish weighing a pound on three-pound line.
I did sometimes argue that landing fish on 60 pound breaking strain line wasn’t fishing, but they were landing for financial gain not for sport.

At one time in my life I had vegetables from the allotment, fish from the boat and venison from the forest, home brewed ale and spirits and home-grown smoke; my life was sorted!

My time of wanting to change began when I bought my first computer and entered a world of others, a world of mass information, of challenges and opportunities.

I discovered and learnt more than I’d ever done at school or college and the diversity of subjects was almost overwhelming.
Unfortunately very few, if any of my acquaintances had even dreamt of the possibilities, most were happy with the invention of the mobile phone!

I had no one to pass anything on to, I extended my horizons yet was unable to share any part of it.
That was when I decided to opt for the solitary path and progress as far as possible.
Often a persons thoughts or ideas are enough to lay out a path which continues till lack of knowledge terminates the path.
With a computer and an enquiring mind the path is endless and the options available countless.
Thus I spent endless sessions travelling in a myriad of directions learning whatever I could.

I’ve just been looking through some of my old disks from years ago and may have come across a solution to my course work problem
I’ve found a genuine office disk from 2000 that has the elements, which the course work is teaching! And more.
Sufficient, to allow me to take a couple of more courses if available.

There was times when I was poorly I threw away lots of useful things, yet I held onto discs purchased along the way. If the disc is successful its saved me approx £100 and will allow me to continue learning.
The hardest part will be to find the code for it, it’s a genuine disc so should have the code somewhere.

I suppose any of the medical staff may read this writing and taking into consideration that I’m drinking at the time may think I’m returning to an unwanted possibly dangerous condition.
Its at times like this when I feel alive, feel I’m doing something useful and beneficial to my future, if I can master subjects in the space of a couple of months then that is progress.
I may never gain employment and therefore have no great need for the knowledge but the act of learning is sufficient to give pleasure to me.

Life is a continuous process of learning and should be treated as such; too many people switch off after the age of 16.

My last stint at college in 1990 was to learn a laid out series of study, the vast majority of which was unconnected to my job of work; in truth I wouldn’t have got the H.N.C. if one of the lecturers hadn’t been retiring and decided as a parting gesture to pass us all in an extremely hard subject.
Toms finished his stint and I’ve reverted to relaxing Jazz; I’m on my third drink and would dearly love a J.
3:37 AM afternoon is passing slowly.

I was awoken this morning by the sound of a chain saw, when I investigated I saw a crew of men trimming two trees nearby, they have trimmed off a side bough which has been impeding the progress of cars along the top road.
The remaining trees are without foliage, skeletons:
perfect for me to practise my drawing!
I have always failed at my attempts to draw trees but now have the opportunity to practise.
I thank the council.
A simple couple of photographs with digi camera and transfer onto computer will give me a 42-inch picture to practise on.
Love it when a plan comes together.

Room hasn’t been tidied up for over a week now so tomorrow if mood suits will get stuck into it
Smoke is lying heavy in the room so will have to ventilate for a while.
I break for a piss.
I have another go at stepper and reach 100+.
Wind has redoubled its strength and a crack of only a couple of inches is sufficient to provide a breath of fresh air into the room,
I can smell it.
My stomach wishes it was Sunday but I’m not really hungry, just the vodka settling.
Tomorrow if all goes well, weather wise I’ll go shopping for soups and beans etc. something to snack out on. I intend to cut down on food and try to lose some weight before Xmas.
I return to the possible problem of stopping my meds; the weight gain is causing more problems than, in my mind the possibility of a relapse.

I know I’ll be more than well fed over the Xmas period so to try and loose a little now would be beneficial.
My mood today?
This morning I felt a little down looking at the weather, but as the day progressed I’ve become to feel better, the vodka may have helped a little.

Finding the computer disc without too much hassle has picked my spirits up and tomorrow will try it out, may have to either replace the Office suite pre installed or install alongside, will decide tomorrow, probably replace.
Need to be able to integrate Excel etc with word projects.

All in all not a bad day’s writing for a guy sat in a chair; all good practise.

I have to go and buy some new optics and try to open a new current account up with a bank that has no plans to charge for it.
May go into town do some shopping.

Have got into habit of getting up early so can get most things done by dinnertime.
Only danger is me picking up an unwanted bit of fanny, will cost me to get my glasses etc back.
If going into town will take bus in case I fancy a drink, about time I used bus pass.
Afternoon is getting darker and spelling mistakes getting too often, time to cease. Do some surfing and think about a couple of hour’s kip.

Passed afternoon away.
Having another glass and bed for a while.