13 th. February.

Tuesday, 13 February 2007
Got up this morning and went through refuse but no sign of winning lottery ticket I accidentally threw out. Have learnt a lesson.
Got a nice unexpected cheque in the post, something to do with re-arrangement of benefits, will go towards savings.
Quite a pleasant day today, much milder and sunny with no wind, would be ideal to go for a walk but once again I lack impetus.
Have to be in Redcar for three so will spend day tidying up.
Guy from last night called round to ask who was in his place last night and if I’d let myself out,
I explained he’d spent most of the night at my place!
He eventually got his head together and left. He told me he’d spent yesterday previous to me meeting him on nitrous oxide, I did a quick look on the Internet and sure enough it is cheap enough to buy, so therefore someone has set themselves up as dealers in laughing gas.
Judging by the state of him last night I have no desire to try it.
He was disorientated, didn’t know where he was, was paranoid about his money, kept looking for it, counting it, weighed the dope out several times and kept asking if people had been in his company, he was well out of it.
His plans for the future were unrealistic, fanciful and completely unattainable.
My life, once again doesn’t seem too bad when compared with some of the other residents.
Had a quick look through some of the upcoming festivals,
Whitby is hosting a couple but they are expensive.
How do I feel today?
Good question,
Am feeling tired, despite having had a good sleep, tired in as much as lacking energy and therefore not wanting to do anything.
Or could it be I am simply relaxed?
Made myself a cuppa and put washer on with an old pair of comfortable jeans in, will be nice to wear them again.
I sense I’ve lost a couple of pounds in weight without even trying, probably due to change in eating habits since stopping the medication.
I may be wrong.
I bought a 40 gram pouch of baccy yesterday, my idea is to smoke as much as I desire this week while revising the course work, may be ready for test next week and that will be another module finished.
Going to try and make an effort, that is what is holding me back at the moment getting started and making an effort to improve my life and myself.
With the winter months and the depression which always comes on with same I slip into a lazy mood and it takes a lot to snap out of it.
I read through my past entries and see the struggle to pass away the daylight hours, I really have no excuse for being this lazy, and should be able to get out of it .
As the wise Yorkshire man says,
“ why give up a bad habit if you don’t feel the better for doing so”.
I have to get myself into a frame of mind in which I will feel better.
I have found the notice for the cessation clinics and intend to contact them soon for help; help I realise I need.
I check my jeans and realise I had the washer on to drain, at least they have had a good soak, I reset the controls to wash and add god knows what chemicals to get the stains out and to make them smell nice, a little comfort.
A little comfort is what everyone needs, a few kind words or some assistance when needed, or a few drops added to one’s washing.
The time is passing and the meditation music is helping me relax.
Another twenty minutes or so and I’ll put another pair of jeans in to wash and begin to get myself ready to venture out.
May even smarten myself up and put on my new trousers, bought for my birthday.
As I move around the flat I notice more and more jobs to do, mainly simple cleaning jobs so I have enough to keep me occupied this week, will do a good job, one which I can be proud of.
That is another element of my life which is missing, getting a feeling of satisfaction for a job well done.
The winter months and the muddy conditions outside have taken a toll on the carpeting and I foresee a full morning’s work will be needed to get them clean again.
All minor challenges, but challenges none the less, activities which will exercise me and allow me to see, hopefully, positive results.
My father has started off some plants for my tubs outside the front door so should be another decent display, all I have to do is weed and prepare the tubs.
May even try to dig a little of the lawn away and plant some flowers or vegetables, would like to clear a small patch to grow a few salad crops but am reminded of the habit of my neighbours callers of walking to his front window to knock and rouse him, they would probably trample over any plants, will see what I can figure out.
I miss my gardening, but the front of the flat has become too heavily grown with grass to make reclamation an easy task.
The land to the rear of the flats is equally unusable , it is uneven and thick with grass growth, I may be wrong, it may be quite easy to master but it will always be in the grip of new grass growth.
My father did mention his plans to build some raised beds in his front garden which would allow my mother to transplant her flowers from the many tubs she presently has, I may be lucky and cadge a few containers to stand outside the flat, will see if he gets round to building the beds and what mood he’s in afterwards.
Containers are easy to steal so I wouldn’t want to put too many outside, and I presume he will be able to use most of them for use in the back garden.
I noticed last weekend that quite a few spring plants had tried to bloom some hadn’t survived the unsettled weather but a few had managed, and most of his containers were showing signs of new life appearing through the surface.
2 p.m., another hour to my appointment.
Time to put the other jeans into the wash.
One more rollie and get ready.
Looking forward to going out looking smart for once, will have a pint in town and another in the club.
Thought about giving neighbour a lift into town but would probably end up with me buying him beer so dismissed idea.
He only got paid yesterday but is down to his last £15 already, plus of course the gear he has to sell to get his money back!
I remember my wilderness years trying to live off giro payments which wouldn’t pay for more than two days drinking let alone buy provisions, that was when I used to raid the waste bins of the local supermarkets and live on whatever I found, some fun!
I now have no money worries and am able to save a little each month; my parents supply me with meat and a plated meal and Netto supplies the rest.
I have credit on the gas and electric, my rent is paid for the next three months, car is legal, I have no debts, have cancelled a couple of direct debits which I considered to be superfluous.
What have I to worry about?
Very little indeed.
All I have to do now is steel myself to getting into a daily routine, one in which the flat and myself are kept clean and presentable, surely I can do that much for myself.
Some element of exercise and continued effort to quit smoking at some point in the future and I will be sorted.
Get my self confidence back and look for a female.
Time to get ready.
Went into town, all dusted, came home and had a pint in club,
Have jeans hung on curtain pole and have warmed up a couple of slices of corned beef and onion.
Checked the lottery ticket I found and only two match so that’s the end of that.
Have made an appointment for an eye test for next week.
May lash out and get some bi- focals, will see.
Gonna have a quiet night and possibly an early one.