15 th.January.

15/01/2007
Woke up at 10 30, done nothing but chain smoke, tooth hurting.
First thought was to go to dentist and have tooth extracted but I have an appointment at 3 p.m. with the bank and therefore don’t want a frozen mouth.
Thought about going back to bed till nearer appointment time, but have now decided to stick it out and call into dentist after appointment.
Have suffered for months now with this tooth pain and think it is time to get rid of it.

Opened mail and I have an appointment next week for a check up and possibly blood tests.
Following my heart attack I used to get tested every six months but that has gone by the by since moving to Marske so haven’t had a test for well over a year now.
I now sit trying to fight the pain and keep my mind off it by typing.
I have been an idiot trying to fight it for so long.
The letter regarding the forthcoming tests has brought home to me the position I am in.
I haven’t done a stroke,(unfortunate turn of phrase), to help my health for nearly 18 months.
I need to take action.
The flat is untidy and in a mess, just like my life.
I have put action off for to long and in doing so have fallen into a dangerous rut.
It’s all well and good thinking about plans for the future but I won’t be having a future unless I do something now.
These last couple of weeks have seen me in pain, heart thumping dramatically in my chest.
I have been, at times frightened but obviously not frightened enough to take action.
I had got up yesterday and not had a cigarette till mid afternoon and was aware I felt better, despite having the tooth pain.
For years I’ve chastised myself every night when I went to bed. Telling myself off for over indulging and paying no heed to my health.
I suppose I convinced myself there was nothing I could do because I lacked the will power or incentive to take any action.
The letter this morning shows the health service hasn’t forgotten about me, and this could be my last chance to make a difference to my life.
I have been waiting for a day to arrive when everything would come together,
that day will never appear without me wanting it to.
I live a solitary life and as such my actions affect no one but myself, I don’t mind that,
I choose to live with only minimal social interaction.
I am my own master, and lately I have been neglecting the fact that being a master I am responsible for every aspect of my life.
No one else can be held responsible; the only person who can help me is myself.
I have to realise that.
I am overweight, terribly unfit and mentally insecure.
I lack self respect and lack interest in life in general.
My mental breakdown, if that was what it was can in my opinion be pinned down to my dissillusionment with my life at the time and my inner desire to break away from the situation I found myself in.
Should I have been taken out of society? I don’t know.
When I was sectioned I lost control of outside events which led to me losing the house and partner of 20 odd years.

I didn’t mind some of the changes which were imposed upon me, at the time I was scared and confused so probably the sectioning was a god send and did help me escape the life style which had taken me over.
All the more reason for me now to be strong and realise I am now in a position to help myself.
I still refrain from taking the medication prescribed to stabilise my moods; hopefully my writing over the last few months will reflect my Self control.
I no longer have the problems, tension and stresses that I had previously.
My life is so simple that I struggle at times to find areas of it to worry about.
My greatest ill feeling was frustration and that has dissappeared with the loss of the unsuitable partner.
The house would never have been adequate because I never had the fianancial resources to make it comfortable. Money spent on the house, which wasn’t even mine meant I had to do without too much.
No project, however challenging could be followed when I had so many other commitmenets.
My life was in a mess with no direction and very little reward save the reward I got from learning.
I am still learning, albeit in a structured way, tailored by outside agencies.
If I consider this “training” as being helpful; in as much as I am fulfilling an obligation and getting tuition free of charge then I must also look upon the forthcoming health check as being the same.
Here is a chance for me to prove to myself and anyone in the health sevice who still cares that I am in control and capable of self help.
The room has warmed up and the toothache relented.
I have been tenously holding onto the belief that this year was going to be a year of settlement and change which would ultimately find me and my life improved.
My birthday, next month signals the end of that year and time is rapidly running out.
I feel the sands of time slip away with everyday my life remains unchanged.
In my mind every night I make plans to improve my situation but these thoughts dissappear with every dawn.
I have been stupid and lazy.
Perhaps my failure is due to the fact that for so many years I have feared my future having been informed my destiny is to be paralysed.
I remember being told by the Specalist when my condition was discovered; there was no surgical solution and it was up to me to change my lifestyle to delay the inevitable ending.
I did change but also put myself through hell at times doing work I shouldn’t have even contemplated.
I am now at another crossroads.
I can contiue and do nothing; if I continue smoking and living a sedantary lifestyle I will undoubtably have another heart attack, will be too unfit to survive either the initial attack or be considered for further surgery.
I have been a drunk; everyday centered around opening hours, each day merging into the next, no purpose or usefullness to anyone or anything.
Followed by drinking at home, behind closed doors, seeking refuge in a bottle of spirits.
Years, decades smoking cannabis had the same effect.
Each day was dismissed form early morning to late night, sat surrounded with the grey haze of smoke induced oblivion.
True, at times alcohol and more so dope relieved the pain but now having taken away as much as possible physical exursion from my life I am granted periods of respite simply by taking life easy.
Too easy, I have become fat, unfit and lazy.
I have no one to care for and nothing to pressure me so why am I unable to better my position?
Time is my number one enemy; from waking in the morning I struggle to exist.
I watch each hour slowly pass and feel the weight of each passing hour rest heavily on my body and in my mind.
Spell check seems to be having a day off today so I am having to concentrate a little more; good job my thoughts are flowing at a reasonable speed.
Speed at one time in my life was how fast the car was travelling.
Now each day my body seems to be inwardly speeding while the life outside of it is painfully slow. My thoughts race while everything else seems to remain still.
I have used meditation and relaxation to overcome this problem and therefore it is time to deal with the only remaining major problems.
I return to present day.
I have to snap out of my current state.
No more trying to give up smoking, half hearted attempts which can be measured in hours rather than days or weeks.
No more trying to give up. I HAVE TO STOP, and the time is now!
No one can be expected to help me unless I show willing to help myself.
I told my Father yesterday about my having thrown the contents of the ashtray down the toilet to take away temptation. He simply said words of encouragement,”make that the last for the year”. I have to.

I’ve smoked now for 34 years, I don’t know if the level of addiction is governed by amount of time spent smoking but presume it is.
I therefore have to realise this is the biggest challenge I have ever had to face in my life.
I have to face the fact that stopping smoking is the single biggest improvement I can make to my life and that if I fail I will die prematurely from smoking.
I just wish dying was more frightenening to me.
Having cheated death so many times in my life I am not afraid.
There has been times when I’ve wished for death for relief.
I now have to change my way of thinking, I have been successful in kicking the drinking habit, have control over Cannabis use and no longer use either on a daily basis.
They were habits and I think I have been right in describing them as such.

Smoking is an addiction; an addiction to the most powerful and widely used drug of all time .
Perhaps I’m lucky to be living in an era when the damage caused by smoking has finally been realised and the glamourous side of smoking no longer is tolerated in advertising and the like.
I have a government and health service which is finally trying to assist addicts to give up.
In other words the time is ripe for someone my age to realise the folly of spending a lifetime as a slave to nicotine.
I have spent hours upon hours researching the drug, I know of its power on the mind its ability to damage vital organs of the body and am now realising it gives little in return.
I consider myself to be intelligent yet am unable to take in all the huge amount of facts and do something about my addiction.
I am an ADDICT as sure as someone who puts a needle into their vein every day.
(Apparently some of the word files have been corrupted and spell check has fallen victim, will search later).
Went on update site and there is one downloading. Have had to re install both discs, didn’t take long., had a wash and shave while it was doing it.
I have noticed lately that there is no room for cutting down with my smoking;
I buy a pouch and the only thing I want to do is finish it as fast as possible, I never used to chain smoke but recently have found myself to be doing so.
I must stop now.
If I stop, not only will my health improve but I hope I’ll get a buzz in the form of sense of acheivement; I will feel better for having succeeded and my confidence will grow sufficiently to help me tackle the other outstanding problems of fitness and direction in life.
I still remember the conversation which stuck in my memory of one day talking to an old drinking buddy who asked” what else is there to pass the time away?”

Well I cannot answer that but after 34 years surely I can find something.
I never thought I’d live this long; following the heart attck I thought I may have only a few years left and lived with that thought in mind.
But, as I said earlier I seem to have spent my life waiting for the next episode to unfold as a cripple.
I now want to ex[erience life at its best.
If I have a few more years left then I have decided those years will be enjoyed with the maximum my body can do.
I have never known life without smoking so surely it must be different,
I will be very dissappointed if it isnt.
I know the damage has been done and most of the damage is probaly irrepairable but I have enough sense and intelligence to realise an improvement would be apparent.
I no longer pay for cannabis because the goods were of unacceptable standard,
I now have to use the same thinking towards smoking.
In truth I get very little from it and the side effects are therefore not worth it.
Perhaps I’m too late; I think inside I realise I am, but I must make an effort and seek out a life without nicotine.
I’m hoping that stopping now and having the tests next week will provide a bench mark upon which to gauge success.
If my cholesterol and blood pressure can be helped then I’ll be able to get myself fitter in case I need a heart bypass in the future.
If I continue smoking the way I am I know I’ll have little or no chance of recovering from any sickness,operation or illness which may hit me.
I am desperately trying to convince myself.

I will look upon nicotine as an enemy, an unwelcome guest, a virus which has to be stopped and disarmed.
I feel unsure and vulnerable but will have to forget all the attempts and more importantly all the failures in the past and re-double my efforts.
There is only one acceptable outcome and that is cessation, full stop.
There is no alternative, cutting down isn’t an option, neither is alternating smoking and non smoking days. I have been able to do that in the last few weeks. I therefore think if I can smoke and stop at will then why cant I stop altogether?
My mind has been programmed to failure and in being so has come to accept failure.
I’ve seen others who have quit and have respected them for doing so;
I now have to feel the same level of respect for myself.
I could sit here for days trying to convince myself I have the ability to do it, can I do it?
I would dearly love to succeed.
I should try to imagine what being a non smoker would feel like.
I’d be more willing to exercise, smell better, feel better.
I am going to try.
My mind is racing, thoughts, fears and doubts all tumbling around in confusion.
I need to take control of my life and this will be the biggest step I’ve ever taken, far greater than the events of the last couple of years.
Getting rid of a partner which I’ve had for 34 years!
A partner which like the last one has outlived its welcome.
I am going to get through today, try to relax and steel myself for the challenge.
Stopping smoking is only a part, albeit the biggest, a lot of aspects of my life will have to change, so many so that hopefully I will emerge a different person; a person with a future at least.
My level of addiction is extremely high and therefore the task is proportionately greater, thus my resolution has to be the best I can muster.
I now realise that there will never be a day when I’ll feel like stopping and therfore I am wasting my time waiting for such;
I have to stop and that is the end of it.
I draw strength from my ability in the past to make changes to my lifestyle and control bad habits I now have to kick the addiction.
People I talk to gauge their success in days weeks or even years ,
I’ll begin with a battle of hours!
After 34 years of smoking I can still not give reasons for why I do it, cannot explain to a non smoker the “pleasure” derived from it or explain why I’m hooked on it.
Hooked I definitely am.
Can I break free?
My mind is in turmoil, thousands of thoughts are circulating, demons,

Rewards will be greater than any fianancial windfall.
No amount of excuses will be accepted.
Failure is not an option.
I need to be free.
Only I can do it.
I owe it myself.
I have to stop.
I am strong.
I will fight.