17 th.November.

17 November
Had a good sleep, woken up by arrival of post, was only rubbish,
I.s.p. provider trying to coax me into a TV package.
Weather is sunny but has been raining; the strength of the wind has put me off going out so I’ll save even more money by not cashing money yet.

Norton has decided I need a full system scan so that is working in the background,
occasionally annoying me with pop up.
Cup of coffee to wake me up and I’m settled in my chair.
Looking at baccy supplies should run out some time today giving me another chance to see how long I can do without.
I feel refreshed after an uninterrupted sleep,
Back pain but neck is loose enough to work.
My mood is good, will be better when room warms up with sunlight,
haven’t put fire on will wait as long as possible.
Would be a good day for washing and drying outside on line but I’m not in the mood for domestic chores.
Had the last of my good meals yesterday,
Gammon, beans, eggs on toast.
Today I’ll have to think about what to prepare.

Am having trouble going to toilet these last few days,
which is surprising considering the amount of food I’m eating,
Hopefully will sort itself out.

Spell check isn’t working.
Cannot figure out why it has stopped, all options are correct but it isn’t functioning.
I relent and put fire on low, will have to check how much gas is left some time this week.
Perhaps the time has come to fully load the meters.
They take £40 maximum. Will save the hassle of going to the shop during adverse weather.
Five days beard growth reminds me how long it’s been since I ventured out.

I have often thought about growing a beard, predominantly to save money on blades,
also I see no reason to shave if not going out, yet feel better with clean shave;
will have to have one for Sunday when I go to parents for lunch.
The food parcel my mother gave me last week has lasted till today so meat purchase hasn’t been necessary, and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed what she sent.
Will make a note to buy some gammon slices next time I shop.

A huge mass of dark cloud is approaching the sun and the darkness descends with the accompanying feeling of cold.
My mood seems to change as the cloud takes over the sky.
I’m in a couldn’t care less mood.
There is nothing so pressing as has to be done so I will leave the chores for today,
Much like I’ve done all week!

The sun breaks through in a final burst before being engulfed and shines directly into my eyes before giving up.
I scratch my multi coloured beard and think of having a wash,
I have seldom washed this week save for the treat of having a bath the night before going to bed, its not because I’m idle its just that I’m usually wide awake as soon as I get up and therefore don’t need to splash water about to become attentive.

Have noticed spell check is working in the background, just noticed out of the corner of my eye it has been correcting without highlighting, this obviously speeds up my typing but takes away the chances of breaks.
Some mistakes however remain unaltered so I still give a cursory glance over what I’ve written.
The sounds are from the meditation channel and at the moment are of bird song drifting into lilting choral like voices.
My typing has improved a lot over the last few months.
The spell check finally kicks in and provides me with useless alternatives, but at least its there.

I’ve made a mistake with the fire;
I’ve set it too low, but am loath to leave the chair to reset it.
That’s the mood I’m in.
I listen to the wind blowing and am glad I’m relatively warm and settled inside.

Momentarily feel sad for people working in the elements on such a day.
Remembering one November when taking readings along a frozen stream in order to reduce flooding; it was very cold, my assistant, the pole man was nethered.

The cloud has passed and once again I am bathed in the rays of the sun, warming my face, making the coldness of my fingers even more noticeable.
I wipe the sleep from the corners of my eye, trying to pick up any traces of protein formed during the night’s sleep.
I haven’t been wearing my contact lenses for a few days now so my eyes have had a chance to cleanse themselves.
I wouldn’t have been able to stand the power of the sun in my face if I was wearing them.

I take a couple of moments to wonder what my mother will prepare for this week’s Sunday dinner; it will be as always enjoyable I’m sure.
My parents stood by me when I had the crack up,
Even accepted me when I was hostile to them;
Leaving me alone when I requested it.
On a couple of occasions when they visited I was high on cannabis and we laughed at the situation;
Me swearing revenge on everyone involved and making light of the situation.
Other times I was petrified by the situation I found myself in and the conflict between the nursing staff and myself.
Often they, my parents would have no idea what I was thinking or talking about.
But they were there when I wanted them to be and that was important because I had no one else in the world except them two.

All that is in the past and the memories no longer hurt me,
I can look back and find the humour in the situation and no longer dwell over the nightmarish aspects of my incarceration.
I had and have a condition, which makes my moods swing from extreme to extreme without warning, if, heaven forbid the need arises for me to return to the hospital I would not be afraid.
I no longer feel the stigma of being a mental patient,
I was ill and had to be treated,
I am still receiving treatment for an illness, which may or may not be ongoing.

Norton has finished and the whole system is clear of dangers.
Some parts of Norton are not set up, i.e. data recovery.
May set a system restore for today.
Done.
The computer has been a little slower lately but not enough to hamper operations too much.
Considering the amount of hassle I had when I first purchased it the machine has lasted well.
In truth it functions more as a typewriter with Internet access than a p.c. but that’s what I wanted and that’s the way I’m using it.
I still begrudge paying £700 to take a £350 college course but at least I bought a machine, which was powerful enough to be future proof.
Overall I’m pleased with its performance.
I may recind the direct debit for support.

Feeling the need to take a leak I take the opportunity to turn up the fire, slip on a t-shirt and make a fresh cuppa.
Feel warmer now that I can actually see the glowing bars of the fire.
I’ve got into the routine of just wearing dressing gown and trackie bottoms but with the winter approaching it’s stupid not to wear a t-shirt as well.
All is well with me; that is the mood I’m in.
I’m sheltered from the elements and feeling fine.

I recall the night spent in Dumfries in the burnt out fish shop with the heroin junkie;
how he would love to be so warm and secure.
If the police had returned my money to me, I’d have kitted myself out with some clothes from the second hand shop and been able to afford some accommodation, if I’d met the junkie previous I’d probably have helped him out with some warm clothes and some food.
I had never felt so vulnerable in all my life;
No money no contact lens or glasses,
Nowhere to stay no warm clothes I was at the mercy of the elements.
I did find the police station but was unaware that they had collected the money so I simply used their toilet to clean up and left.

Looking back it was amazing how friendly the people were to someone who was covered in blood and dishevelled.
I remember thinking how nice it would be to live there.
The streets were alive with people yet I felt no danger and there seemed to be endless things advertised to do in the town.
Arts, crafts functions galore, the place felt alive.
I will return there one weekend; not just to seek out the holiday woman I met but perhaps to check up on the junkie.
That’s an idea for next year when the weather is better.
At the moment I haven’t got the self-confidence back to drive on my own yet the trip has to be alone to function.
I could easily have stolen what I needed, a pound pair of spectacles and a jumper and trousers yet I was unable to.
One kind woman in the charity shop offered me money but I couldn’t accept,
I bought what I could afford; a warm jumper and kept what little money I had to phone home.
One day I’m sat in a hotel with a thousand pounds in my pocket and the next I’m resembling a tramp and searching out abandoned buildings to spend the night with only change in my pocket.
An adventure if ever there was one.

I had jewellery, which I could have pawned but didn’t even think of it.

The room slowly warms up yet my fingers remain cold and stiff.
I will return to that town next year when I’m fully recovered and fitter.
I remember seeing familiar faces, hearing familiar voices yet was unknown to everyone.
I felt hounded, unsure of everyone.
To return as I am now will be a gas.
Enough of next year the present is now and I must get better.
Thinking back it really was a nightmare I went through;
I recall seeing my father as plain as day, hobbling along with a stick, I even turned the car round with the intention of running him over!
God forbid if I’d been successful.
I skulked around streets, backs of churches trying to find somewhere to hide, from who I knew not but the feeling of being pursued was all too real.
Nothing seemed to be as it should and I was felt like the prey in some form of weird hunt.
Strangers were talking to me in familiar voices.
Other times seemingly familiar faces were talking to me in unfamiliar voices it really was weird.
It wasn’t drugs or alcohol because I had neither it must have been my mind stretched to the limit or perhaps the effects of the accident when I hit my head and passed out,
Lack of sleep was a factor
And the need to sleep was high upon my list.
For now I’ll put those memories back where they belong.

I now remember a lot more of what happened so my memory is returning but not in a way that frightens me,
I am aware of more that happened and that shows my memory, which I thought I’d lost along with my sanity is now returning.

The only voices I hear now are my own thoughts directed at myself, chiding me for not being strong enough to quit smoking and pull myself together.
Voices I’ve always had, especially since my heart attack.
Conscience.
The human body is a fascinating thing,

I took mine to the limit and indeed over the edge but I had to do that to return to normality.

Normality has always been obscure to me; my lifestyle has always been different to the norm so returning to it was never going to be an easy task.

Because I have no occupation therefore reason to live I outcast myself.
I’ve always learnt to live with my own company, seeking companionship only when I needed to.
I may have a way to go yet before I feel confident enough in myself to open up but feel I am on the right track.
This year could be my last hibernation, who knows?

The wind has increased in strength and is forcing its way through the unlocked window, not enough to chill the room just sufficient to move the voiles.
The darkness is setting in now and typing is getting a little more difficult, good practise though.
Once again I check the settings for spell checker and everything seems to be in order yet words are slipping through the net.

Have thought about phoning Ash and having a drink but I have been hitting the bottle a bit lately.
Will see.
It’s been a long while since we’ve had a session and I was thinking about combining it with a trip to the Cleveland to see 101
Would cost a bit say £30 but hell what’s money for?
My train of thought has disappeared thinking of the above.
I got washed and shaved, rang ash but his answer phone was on; disappointed I popped into the village and bought a bottle of scotch a bottle of cheap strong cider and half an ounce of baccy, called in for a bag of chips and settled in for the night.
I ended up in bed by 9 p.m.