18 th.January.

18/01/2007
2.47
Cold, wet, dismal day; felt sorry for the lads on the recycling job, rushing round in the drizzle.
Got a letter this morning from the Rent office, am about £70 in credit so shouldn’t have to pay anything for the next three months.
As soon as I got up I cracked; went to the car, emptied the ashtray and rolled a rollie up, went to neighbours with intention of cadging a bit but no one in so went to shop and bought a half, am sat now on third rollie and second cuppa.
Eyesight is giving problems today so will have to take lens out and put into soak.
Checked lottery results and only managed to match two, so no dramatic life change for me, and millions of others, I suspect.
How do I feel today?
Annoyed at not being able to resist going to shop, was just beginning to breathe better, stopped in bed to try for the 24 hour mark, but failed.
Will have to try harder.
Room is still in a mess, I’m still smoking and unfit; nothing changes.
I am not going to despair, all I want to do now is finish the pouch and try again!
I really am weak.
I wish I had some sleepers to help me get over the first hurdle.

Time today is indeed my enemy, I would gladly miss the day in return for a sufficient period of abstinence from smoking.
I may spend the day smoking and drinking and hopefully have a long sleep.
Worked once or twice in the past.
Today is” pay” day but I have no intention of venturing out to cash the money, will leave it, as usual for as long as possible.
I look and feel grotty, not having had a bath since Sunday.
Tomorrow I’ll have to get my act together, tidy up and get myself cleaned up and respectable, have let everything slide this week.

Trying to look on the bright side, I feel o.k. in myself;
I know I will feel even better if I abstain from smoking for a longer period.
I could sit and chain smoke the lot and then try again.
I know, doing that I’ll end up with an upset stomach and be wheezing like an old man.
I should be able to stop;
I have no worries, nothing is pressing, the time should be right,
I just need to get into the correct frame of mind to be successful.
My stomach churns at the thought of drinking cheap strong cider for the remainder of the day.
I know that smoking a full half ounce will take me through to the early hours of the morning and drinking sufficient to get a good long sleep will probably upset me but it’s the only way I know of passing time.
My jaw hurts where the tooth was taken out,
I suppose a couple of more days and it will settle down.
I decide to have a drink,
I haven’t got a lot in the house but enough to have a choice of three poisons in sufficient quantity to get drunk, if indeed I am able,
I haven’t been drunk for so long, I cannot remember a time since moving here that I’ve been intoxicated.
Truth is I only had a couple of beers yesterday but managed to snatch an enjoyable couple of hours on the afternoon.
Place is slowly warming up and it’s nearly comfortable.
If the bathroom was as warm I’d be tempted to have a scrub up but I’ll wait till tomorrow.
I decided to put failure behind me and once again postpone cessation till tomorrow.
I know in my heart it’s a cop out but I need to be in the right frame of mind to follow any plans through and today I am not in that mood.
Tomorrow I’ll get up and clean up and get washed and shaved and try again.

I pour myself a lager and settle down to begin a session, I’m thankful I left the good bottle of Whisky at my parent’s house or that would have been my first choice of poison today.
Why can’t I just make the decision to stop smoking and stick to it?
Can nicotine have that much power over me?
Obviously so; in my mind I must associate smoking with everyday life,
I have to break the circle and rid myself of the dependence.

Spell check has returned; that’s something to be grateful for.
I am actually enjoying the drink and wonder if the bad tooth has been the reason I haven’t been too keen on drinking these last few months.
My health is the worst it has ever been apart from a couple of years ago when I was going overboard with Cannabis use and going without sleep.
Inside of me I feel I can change and reverse the situation I just need to get to the first milestone.
For less than the price of a pint tobacco provides a companion throughout the day and night, something to do while I am working, relaxing, drinking, an accompaniment to cups of tea, a dessert to any meal I may eat, a way of staving off hunger pangs when not eating.
I look at the rollie as it smokes away in the ashtray; it really is a waste, money going up in smoke, but not enough money to be a problem.
I thought that when I managed to give dope up I would be able to follow suit with tobacco; how wrong I was.

I am more annoyed because lately I no longer wake up with the stomach pangs which often can only be overcome by having the usual three or four rollies when waking up.
If these pangs have gone then surely I have made inroads into the level of craving,
I have cut down on the amount I smoke, that is obvious by the experiment of only smoking alternate days.
I therefore am only smoking because it has become such an integral part of my life, my daily existence.
I know my body can overcome excessive sessions so I now have to concentrate upon my mind, ridding myself of the association between smoking and certain activities.
I always roll one up whenever I’m going in the car, morning cuppas are accompanied by three smokes at least. I smoke while on computer, after meals and when feeling under stress.
I smoke when relaxing and when drinking, as now.

I have to change my routine and try to break the associations.
I have to view smoking the same way as I have come to view Cannabis smoking, it provides little pleasure and the benefits, whatever my minds may perceive them to be are far outweighed by the harm it is causing to my throat and lungs and general health.
I have the intelligence to realise the severity of the situation yet lack the will power to overthrow the hold of the addiction.
Each time I fail I feel contempt for having done so, but this feeling isn’t sufficiently strong to stop me from failing yet again.
I remember the time on holiday, days spent lying in the sun, I never had the need to take any pain killers and smoked very little; content as I was with the sun upon my back and the occasional glass of lager.

What puzzled me was when I had dope I would smoke perhaps seven joints in a day and never think of having a rollie if dope was available.

Years ago I would smoke both quite freely.
People who say cannabis is addictive and leads to other drug abuse are talking out of their arses,
I have left cannabis and alcohol alone without feeling deprived of either so why can’t I give up cigarettes?
What part of my body is so relient upon nicotine as have such a strangle hold upon me, rendering me powerless to resist.
My Father cannot understand why I cannot simply stop, in his eyes it is a simple choice yet I know it is far from simple.
Every smoker I know has respect for anyone who quits, which shows how hard it is.
I have to realise the power this drug has and know that I will have to fight like hell to rid myself of it.

Why does my life feel incomplete if I haven’t got a rollie beside me?
Why have I chosen to live in a room full of smoke?
I think of the turmoil I’ve been through these last 18 months, I survived and recovered from self inflicted situations, surely I have the strength to give up!
Giving up is too simple a term to use, it is a fight and I must see it as being so.
A fight, struggling each and every hour.
The room is still cold in my opinion, and I curse myself for being too tight fisted to put the central heating on.
In retrospect I suppose Summer would have been a better option to try and quit,
I could have gone for a walk or been more active,
the more I am sedentary the more I smoke.
I have always smoked when working or concentrating, that’s another habit I’ll have to break.
I feel annoyed, someone as strong minded as myself is seemingly powerless to break a habit.
I suppose my body has become accustomed to having smoke as part of its daily intake of chemicals, so much so that it has come to expect it.
I no longer want to feel my heart pounding in my chest, my breathing laboured and noisy.
I have to stop!
Unlike other habits there is no alternative, no substitute and therefore only one course of action and ultimate goal.
Stop completely.

Of all the things in my life which have caused me regret, starting to smoke is the highest on the list.

All those years ago at school, smoking in the cricket pavilion.
If I’d known then the grief cigarettes would cause I wouldn’t have gone anywhere near a packet.
I still remember the old advertising campaigns, cigarettes “ as cool as a mountain spring”, “the taste of the country”, what bullshit.
Generations previous to mine had been subjected to even more ludicrous claims.
The warning notices nowadays are blunt and to the point,
Smoking kills! Causes god knows how many health complaints, and each fag is full of chemicals which are harmful.
It is addictive and I’m an addict.
What annoys me is the fact that rich people who become addicted to drugs can afford to go to clinics and receive help, yet there is no help available for Nicotine addicts.
Somewhere to go for a week or two, a strict regime almost like a prison where tobacco is banned altogether,
If an addict is helped through this period then he or she stands a good chance to succeed in kicking the habit.
I would volunteer to be locked up for my own good to kick the habit.
I try to deprive myself of baccy but am free to go to the shop and get fresh supplies when the craving overtakes the good sense.
I get so frustrated at being so close yet failing at the first hurdle.

I complain about the quality of dope supplied to me by numerous dealers yet am powerless to complain about the most addictive drug being legally available.

The tobacco companies and successive governments have turned a blind eye as generation after generation have become hooked and dependent on such a powerful drug.
I am annoyed at the way Nicotine levels have remained high enough to instil dependency yet no research or development has been carried out to produce a safer alternative.
I still remember in the 70’s taking part in trials for nicotine free cigarettes, true they tasted awful but at least someone was trying to combat the problem.
I now have to rely upon myself to overcome a powerful addiction,
I don’t want Nicotine substitutes I just want to be free of the curse of smoking.
Free from dependence upon something which is killing me slowly.
True my smoking habit is not as severe as some and I’ve spent only about £24,000 on tobacco,
Only!

Sat here with my drink and pouch of baccy I feel I will once again try to quit;
when I go to the medical centre next Monday I think I’ll make an appointment with the doctor and see if he can get me back onto Zyban,
I fear I may need help if indeed I am to have any chance of success.
I know I need help.
Everything else in my life will have to be put on hold if I’m to fight,
I may have to spend most of my days in bed trying to let the hours pass by till I feel sufficient benefits to strengthen my resolve.
I really have no plan of action, just pass each day away until the addiction subsides.
Hell why not? There isn’t that much to fill my life.
I am going to have to turn my flat into a prison cell and serve time until I feel confident enough to face the day without baccy.
Sounds a stupid idea but I see no alternative.
I haven’t got the will power to do it and only time will weaken its hold upon me so passing time is the fight.
The worst time of day is early morning till tea time, say six or seven,
The opening hour relaxation of shops, pubs and garages doesn’t help,
You can always get supplies if you need them.

I would gladly pay to be locked up for a week with only food and drink provided.
Many times I’ve tried and I know the first 24 hours are the worst, once over that time period the next hurdle I found was after three days, the hurdle at which I’ve fell many a time.
I know all this yet am still unable to succeed.
It’s like fighting an invisible enemy, you cannot feel the body blows, have no sensation of being attacked yet the drug fights back and eventually you succumb to temptation.
I realise now, too late that I could possibly have got up today and spent the afternoon typing without a ciggie and thus prolonged the period of abstinence towards the night time, a night’s sleep would have moved me towards the first hurdle of 24 hours.
But I failed.
I will try again.

Never give up trying, hopefully one day I’ll succeed.

The truth is I surprised myself by reaching the age of fifty and in doing so spent the last 18 months altering my life to such an extent as to effectively wipe-out all I had up to that age.
I let go off material possessions, got rid of the trappings of past decades,
(apart from the Mullet!),destroyed all photos and videos, erased memories at a stroke and in doing so realised there was no such thing as a true friend or allie.
I cut myself off purposely from everyone I formally knew and relied solely upon the friendship of my parents.
I cleared away everything which had formally held me back; aspirations of making money. Forgotten, replaced with a wish for inner contentment, peace of mind, relaxation, contentment with one’s lot, you could say.
I then looked at the generation who seemed to have survived the modernisation,
the older generation,
possibly wiser folk.
Few smoked, few drank to excess, most seemed to be happy with travelling and living in an apparent safer environment than what I’d been used to.
I now live in a flat, untroubled by traffic noise, children, yobs, graffiti, violence.
I have somewhere to live which is warm, safe and secluded, as quiet as the grave.
I have learnt to live with pain and the level of same is acceptable.
In short I began to feel like there was a possibility of me enjoying a few years more.
I have no plans for the future and intend to take things as they come.
I do want to improve upon certain elements of my present situation and those elements include health and well being.
I want to improve my health and possibly get fit enough and regain enough self confidence to once again begin a relationship with someone of similar thinking.
My mind and body need to be improved.
Smoking is stopping me from improving same.
The biggest improvements I could possibly make to my present quality of life is to stop smoking and exercise.
It’s no use saving if I no longer have a degree of health which will allow me to enjoy activity.
My Father is rapidly approaching his eighties and despite having his knees replaced, lives an active and healthy life; he has never smoked and drinks only moderately.
He enjoys life, albeit it in moderation.
I look at him and wonder could I survive that long, have I got another thirty years to go, and if so, what the hell am I going to do with them?

He has lived a life as hoped for by any Government having had two jobs in his life and retiring from both, paid tax all his life and saved when he could afford to.
I on the other hand have been unable to find a niche in life, drifting aimlessly from relationship to relationship without the security of employment for the best part of my life.
I have enjoyed a better than average education and indeed have kept up learning for the most of my life, been to college a few times and continued my learning at home when computers were introduced.
I have a brain but never found an avenue to use it.
I am intelligent enough to realise the harm I’ve done to my body with substance abuse and above all smoking.
I do realise I may be too late to reverse some of the harm but at least I now realise I have to take action or else there will be no future.

Like I said I have made dramatic changes to my life and now am faced with the remaining challenge of giving myself the chance to see a few more years.
I have no big ideas about becoming fit and healthy because the damage has surely been done, but hopefully I can make an improvement and if I can feel the benefit of such an improvement then I’ll be satisfied.
How can anyone who is so obviously clued up to the situation be so apparently hopeless at doing anything about the simplest sounding option available?
All I have to do is stop smoking and get fitter.
Those are the only two articles upon my agenda and should be treated as such in terms of importance.
I seriously need to concentrate upon these aspects of my life or I will surely die.
I have no fear of dying but do not want to continue with my present loathing of life as it is now.
My mind needs to be retuned to help me win this battle.
Its no use concentrating upon what I hold dear because in truth there is nothing I do hold dear, my life is at present a carpet of drudgery with little meaning or value and as such is therefore dispensable.
This is not depression talking or lack of self respect it is just my life at the moment,
a life which needs to be changed.
I will probably go to bed tonight and take a while to chastise myself for failure and make more promises which may or may not be fulfilled tomorrow,
I’ve done the same for years now.

Most of my actions which have caused concern in others, ultimately leading to my sectioning were caused by frustration; I realise that fact now.
I have options available to me, choices I can freely make.
There is help on my doorstep if I take it, plenty of choice in walks and a machine to allow exercise indoors.
All I have to do is keep away from the shop and stop buying tobacco.
Sounds so simple!
Get 24 hours under my belt and aim for the next period of time, each one slowly building until the addiction is conquered.
The more times I fail the less confident I become.
Time is running out, my birthday is approaching and I had set my mind up to the fact that all changes would be introduced by that time, I don’t want to fail.