2 nd. February.

2/2
Phone call off father asking what I wanted for birthday, have sent him looking for trousers.
Apparently he set off hiking yesterday and walked for miles, through woods and fields, along well worn paths which I used to follow as a kid.
Bloody miles he walked by the sound of it, made my little attempt at exercise seem quite feeble, but none the less I am feeling the effects this morning.
He phones again and asks if I want to go shopping with them, I should have said yes but I’m not really in the mood to leave the flat.
What I really want is a half ounce; I can feel the sensation in my stomach, have felt it many times in the past, a feeling which usually requires three or four rollies to quieten it down.
Went to both neighbours but no one in so am back to square one.
Definitely craving for a smoke, have it in my head that a couple would satisfy the craving, but the option of buying a pouch means another attempt has hit the wall.
In desperation I went to another neighbours and quite by chance bumped into a dealer.
Quick conversation followed and apparently the only gear in is the glass and grass for £25 per eighth!
I spotted his baccy pouch in his hand and after appealing desperately to him he gave me enough baccy for a rollie.
I now sit typing and smoking.
Am I enjoying it?
Most definitely!
My stomach is producing mouthfuls of acid, I got head ache, albeit mild and felt dizzy sensation from first few draws.
Having nearly finished it I feel stupid for literally begging for baccy.
I surely am stronger than this.
I am going to have to be, I will refuse the urge to buy a pouch, hopefully today spent shopping will help to pass the time; time is indeed the enemy today.
I know full well that this is the period during which I will be under most stress to re start,
The first week is apparently the worst time for battling against the craving. I will have to be stronger, haven’t got the time left to falter again.
I roll up the rest of the baccy into another thin rollie and light up.
A burglar who played a part in causing £14,000 damage to a newly refurbished house has been jailed for two years.
Even empty property is a target nowadays for burglars looking for scrap.

A Teesside man is facing possible extradition to the United States over alleged involvement in the production of deadly 'crystal meth'.
I was wondering how long it would take for the new drug to come to the area.
Nice to see Vinnie garbutt getting a good write up on the net, he’s playing at my father’s local on the 13 th. May.
Well, have had my couple of smokes and do not feel like buying a pouch, so will just have to struggle with the rest of the day.
Four more days to go till my birthday, I would be chuffed to bits to last out till then.
I am wondering if after all it wasn’t the beer which upset my stomach on Monday, could it have been my body rejecting the nicotine?
Could my body be actually helping me by making it so obviously clear that smoking is no longer acceptable to it? I hope so.
I will have to now have a wash and shave and get ready to go shopping.
Today is going to be a long, long day, but if I can get through it I will feel better.
Parents picked me up at 1 p.m. and we went to a local factory shop. The goods on offer were of very poor quality so after a couple of minutes we left and headed for Matalan.
I tried on three pair of trousers before deciding on a pair of Farahs, a brand of trouser I’ve worn for 20 years. I was disappointed at having to buy a larger waist size but considering I’ve out on over two stone in weight I should have expected to.
I now realise I will have to lose some weight or else the choice of trousers will be severely limited. I intend to return to waist size 36 as soon as possible.
I returned home and bade my parents farewell, jumped into the car and went to my club, bought baccy with first pint and sat and smoked half a dozen rollies while having two pints.
Felt rotten, so left and went to supermarket for bottle of vodka and large pork pie.
Once home I immediately started on food and drink and by nine o’clock was drunk enough to be ill and had to vomit contents of stomach into toilet before sliding into bed.
I awoke at 3 in the morning having dreamt I was in a police cell, I needed a piss so got up had a smoke and returned to bed. Couldn’t get back to sleep to got up again and sat in chair.
Was a mild night so room wasn’t cold. I looked at the baccy that was left and decided to finish it off. By six thirty I had smoked all the weed and was once again drunk, I emptied contents of ashtray down toilet and slipped under the duvet again.

Woke up at 2, went to shop and bought yet more baccy and some milk.
Feel like shit!
Had a slight hangover but that soon passed, have a lousy taste in mouth and milk is not helping my stomach which continues to churn and moan.
Smokes are tasting awful and I feel really disappointed with myself for returning to drink and smoke.
Got a letter off doctor he wants to see me about results of blood test, got me a little worried, going to phone up tomorrow to see if I can get an appointment to see him, perhaps he can get me onto the Zyban again, I obviously need some help to stop smoking.
Opticians phoned, my lens have arrived, I didn’t fancy driving today so they will have to wait till I’ve recovered.
Weather was very mild today, exceptionally so. I had planned to venture out and to do some washing but all plans have been shelved.
Must admit I enjoyed the drunken sleep, very relaxing.
But as usual I overdid the drink and smoke and am upset again at buying baccy two days in a row. All I want to do now is smoke it and get it finished.
Had earmarked this week as being smoke free but I’ve bought an ounce and a half so far! I must really be weak in the head.
I very nearly had a crying session this morning while finishing off the baccy, thoughts of my past were flying around and I suppose I must have been quite depressed and upset. Wanted to let myself go and have a good cry but couldn’t, just felt weepy.
I can hardly walk today, following my exercise bout of Tuesday.
I pour myself a pint of milk and put Oxygene on in the background, I intend to wipe today off; smoke as much as I want and possibly finish the Vodka off it I feel so inclined later.
I bought the litre bottle because I wasn’t enjoying being sat in the club paying two pounds per pint for something which I knew would make me bad later, plus I had chose to drive to the club.
Why I feel so guilty I cannot fathom, true I’m annoyed at myself for smoking but surely I should be able to relax with a drink at home?
Maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on myself.
All my thoughts early morning were cantered around my past, concentrating on my failures as a husband, father and general member of a society which I have never been able to feel easy in.
What upset me the most was my memory of delivering my still born child, wrapping it in newspaper and burning it in a coal fire. I then remembered how happy I felt the day I went to hospital to pick up my wife and child, I had the biggest bunch of flowers the hospital staff had ever seen, but my joy soon vanished when I was told the child was dead.
In total we lost three children before being “blessed” with a daughter, who I haven’t seen for 20 years or more, apparently she now has a child of her own.
I remembered some of the places I’ve lived and the different partners at the time, not a lot of happy memories.
Jobs held for varying lengths of time, none very challenging to me.
A life spent stumbling through the years with little or no sense of direction or achievement. To finally end up here where I first began in the land of flats.
Obviously the present accommodation is miles away from the bedsits, flats, cottages, houses and bungalows I’ve had in the past and in truth I am not too disappointed with my housing.
I suppose it’s the sense of worthlessness that hits me when I look back at the years I’ve spent so far.
Which again brings me back to the events of the last couple of years in which I’ve tried to take control and alter my life once again in an effort to gain some meaning and direction in the hope of getting some degree of fulfilment.
Hell, who knows I may succeed this time.
I obviously have to hope I do to some degree or else the remainder of my life will be equally worthless, perhaps I should be more grateful for what I have and therefore shrug off this cloak of despondency.
I think that my birthday approaching in three days time is having an effect, I had earmarked this year as being the year in which I would recover from my past and set myself new goals for the future.
It is hard to make plans for any kind of future when I’m unable to see any glimmer of it.
Perhaps some of the goals I set were unattainable or more likely I need more time.
I had hoped to have quit smoking by now, but have failed.
I’ve gained a significant amount of weight.
I pause for thought, if these are the only two things which are troubling me then life cannot be too bad, can it?
On the days I do manage to remain smoke free I feel better and by noticing that fact I should eventually be successful if I continue to keep trying.
True, today I can hardly walk following my little bit of exercise the other day, but considering it was the first attempt at exercise for many months I should expect to be feeling this way.
What I need is an injection of positive thought.
v I have somewhere to live which isn’t a chore to keep clean and functional.
v I have savings and am not in any debt.
v I have sufficient income to provide for myself.
v I have a car.
v Have no restrictions upon my time.
v No commitments to anyone.

In short my life is basically what I had planned for a few years ago, I am single, unfettered, free to do as I please.
Free to do as one pleases!
I also have to realise that with this freedom comes the fact that everything in my life is controlled by only one person, myself.
It’s up to me to make whatever I wish to happen; happen or not. I am responsible for myself and therefore whatever position I find myself in is down to me.
I am indeed, master of my own destiny and that is the responsibility I bear.
So instead of viewing my upcoming birthday as a completion date, a cut off date which marks tasks hitherto uncompleted as being failures I have to see it as a beginning.

No future will come about unless I make plans for same.
This year,
v I’ve left behind some of my past hobbies;
v learnt some useful computer skills.
v Saved some money. organised finances.
v Learnt to look after myself.
v Bought a car and computer.
v Been successful in cutting down smoking,
v never given up on idea of quitting.
v Cut myself off completely from my past.
v I have taken the time and defragged my cluttered, confused mind.
v Cleared my brain of the litter of millions of fears and anxieties.

So, what to do now?
What would this year bring for me?
v I will lose the weight,
v Continue to cut smoking down,
v Seek help to quit.
v Continue with on line learning.
v Keep free from the dope.
v Find new interests.
v Make a few relationships.

If I snap out of this mode and get myself more active to lose the weight I will be a little healthier and therefore will feel better about myself and therefore be able to consider a relationship with someone.

I have the car and should make more use of it to get out and about.

Continuing learning will keep D.W.P. happy and does provide mental challenge.

Health, Wealth, Mental agility, Sexual relationships, Enjoyable company,
Change of lifestyle.
I can do it all, I have to because its now my responsibility.
After all the struggles of the last few years I deserve to succeed.
Self respect and confidence have to return.

Drinking and smoking oneself into oblivion may seem an odd way to escape from depression but it has allowed my mind to plunge to the depths and then rise again with feelings of hope for what has to be regarded now as another new beginning.
When I had my mental breakdown I never dreamt I could sink so low, I was a rag doll in the grip of the jaws of an emotional nightmare. A trip of such terrifying proportions as to make any drug induced trip of my past fade into mediocrity.
This time last year I was released from hospital and vowed I would give myself a year to recover; if recovery was indeed possible, well that year is almost up and I now have to put the episode behind me.
If I was going to relapse then I would have done before now; I realise that not taking the medication may still bring on a relapse but I have conquered my fears of the hospital and the committal system.
I still get the occasional nightmare but having kept a journal for the past twelve months has given me time to remember the lighter moments as well as the fear.
Bi-polar, manic depressive I may have been but I feel I have come through it and if anything have become a stronger person for the ordeal.
I still have two books of written material which I penned soon after my release and will try to read through it one day. I wrote the material truthfully and included details which I never disclosed to anyone, hell if they had known some of my thoughts I’d never have been released!
It really was a confused time of my life. But it is in the past now.
This past year has been a frightening time in as much as mood fluctuations caused me anxiety and not knowing if I had the strength to cope with any possible relapse, I was scared of being alone, felt vulnerable because of my isolation, scared of becoming ill and no one being aware or even able to access the property.

I make a mental note to remove keys from door to allow father to access in case I’m ill and unable to get down the stairs to open the door.

Never before in my life have I had the opportunity to shape and command my own future.
This could be the last chance for me to have such an opportunity.
I now realise the power of positive suggestion, I tried to impose suggestions by using self hypnosis but this is the only true way I can turn my thoughts around and make sense of my life.
Writing for me is akin to having a conversation with myself, (after all there is no one else to talk to!).
Medical staff may be able to slap labels on people and make guesses at what a person’s mind is experiencing and provide suggestions for likely causes, prescribe drugs to “stabilise”.
The patient is the only person who truly knows what is happening and what they are feeling and experiencing, so therefore they are the only person who can help.
It takes a long while for a persons affected mind to clear and allow the body to make changes and decide on which path to follow.
I have taken the time and defragged my cluttered, confused mind.
Cleared my brain of the litter of millions of fears and anxieties.
I fear not all the disturbing thoughts have been erased but at least they have been confined to some area in which they no longer can reek havoc.

I am hopefully back in control.
No longer the passenger on a horrific emotional roller coaster.
I am the driver and simply need to seek out new directions.

All in all, quite a productive day.
I hope my reward is a good night’s sleep.