20 th. September.

20 September 20 12:14

Looking through diary, it appears that I’ve been without dope for almost a month now.
Have I missed it?
Yes in a way,
but no if its going to be the same old sub-standard gear which prompted me to leave it alone.
Has the abstinence had any effect on me?

I think so, I’m smoking more,
possibly in an attempt to get a buzz;
my sleep hasn’t been up to usual par, interrupted at times with frightening dreams,
but apart from that manageable.

I seem to enter dream state as soon as I get to sleep and the dreams continue till I awake from them at rising time, often exhausted.

Last night I watched the first part of a documentary about Manic depression,
which focused on Stephen Fry, (A brain I’ve always respected).

As he told his story I found myself relating more and more to what he was revealing.
He introduced several other people to the viewer who told of their experiences varying from mild to the extreme.

Several points hit home with me and I went to sleep thinking of episodes in my own past which could have been early signs of misappropriate behaviour caused by the condition.
I remembered two attempts at suicide, which were real efforts to end my life.

The part, which stated that it was often hereditary, got me thinking also.
I know of one relative who received help and another still living that would be classed as disturbed if their behaviour was public.

The overpowering need to escape from the norm is strong, it drove me to rent a room in a hotel and sleep at a friends house just to get away from my own situation,
escape the four walls and all that it represented.

Another hero of mine Slattery told of his mood swings while he was in self-exile.
During these times he would throw possessions into the nearby river Thames.
I also went through a period of cleansing by getting rid of what I considered to be worthless objects even though some of the items were very precious to me.
He told of having no feelings;
same as me when I cut of all contact with people I’d come to know over a period of 20 years or more.
To be perfectly honest the program couldn’t have come at a better time.
I had begun to wonder if I was on the brink of another episode.
I was confused, muddled, annoyed and starting on a roller coaster of emotions, which if not sorted would have led to a burst of anger.

Most of the people in the program had gone through periods of self exile during which time they had self administered drugs or alcohol in an attempt to lessen the feelings, which is typical of my actions over the last 20 years, and more in the last 5.
I am now at the time of year when I usually plan to lock myself away for months till spring.

I will do it but have the knowledge that I’ll come out of it at the end.
This time I hope to be more in charge of the situation and be able to recognise signs,
at times in the past I wondered if I’d developed a fear of even going out, but this was self inflicted,
I removed all need to venture out and therefore never bothered to because the social interaction wasn’t in my opinion worth the effort.
I still govern my outings by that criterion.

Being sectioned twice in the space of twelve months was horrific.

If I’d done anything wrong I surely would have been arrested and faced with the reason for the arrest in the form of a charge being brought against me.
Sectioning gave me no such reason, in fact I was told that
Only I could answer the question why I was in that predicament;
a question I still try to answer!

My brain at the time was “fried”, (forgive the pun), an excess of input had made my mind overactive and 24/7 was spent trying to come to terms with a myriad of ideas, feelings, problems etc.
I was drained by the effort and as I grew weaker the problems grew,
life inside my head was moving at an incredible pace.

I once tried to describe what was going on inside my head as a carousel of filing cards,
each with a problem, idea or random thought,
going round so fast that some cards would fly off and demand immediate attention,
others flew off but reattached them selves in a different position before I’d had time to deal with them, adding to the general confusion.

Although chaos seemed to reign my brain was trying to make sense and cope.
Every aspect of life was faster, similar to effect of speed,
I suppose in the end it all became too fast for me to even attempt to sort out.
That was when I tried to defrag my mind.
I sought sanctuary in peaceful places.

I now have regained some control and tried to organise my living space to be conducive to relaxation.

I knew from the start my brain had the capacity to take on a much greater workload but didn’t realise such a huge amount of “Litter “ would appear among the work.
My behaviour of throwing away items,
which may have seemed valuable to others,
was an attempt to free myself from the accrued trappings of a seemingly normal life and concentrate upon myself.

My moods were as others who suffer, enjoyable highs and dramatic lows.

A prolonged acid trip is the only way I could describe what was happening,
and all the while I was trying to produce an end product, a book, a film, and a score.

My imagination was fuelled by the myriad of ideas and emotions and for that I would say I enjoyed some of the experience,
I’ve never been so productive or hard working in the whole of my life.
Ended up an emotional and physical wreck.

To have simply taken a break or escaped somewhere would never have provided a solution,
I suppose I had to be made to face my situation;

Sectioning was harsh but I suspect that if I’d been left to my own devices I’d eventually have been in trouble with the law,
I did in one instance.

My life was been lived at fast forward pace and the inevitable ending would have been death.
Not wanting to appear a snob but I wonder if the fact that I’ve been blessed with an inquiring intelligent, logical mind helped or caused the episode.

How am I now some eight months after release?

Beginning to accept what has happened and realising I’m not alone, not alone by a long chalk.

I’d read books abut Spike and his torment, have seen documentarys involving people I respect talking openly about this so called illness and feel I can now put events, (remembered) into perspective.

I lost everyday emotions and tasted extreme levels of uncertainty.

I suspect, like others I keep some facts private because that’s what the mind does.

People may say that is a hidden strength which allows one to combat even the most horrific of emotional turmoil its just the sub-conscious safety valve which has to be activated by drugs (medicinal) or help from close quarters.
To be happy with one’s lot is not an ability the depressive has,
unless the mind is settled and calmed.

I now make a conscious effort to calm my mind, sleep is o.k.
But to keep or instil calmness during the waking hours is often more difficult.
It’s akin to someone who is able to do a dull repetitive job for years on end; a frame of mind, which accepts the situation.
Enough for now.

The postman delivering a parcel marked caution fragile interrupted me.
Inside was two objects sent from my new Gas and Electric supplier;
would have preferred a voucher for fuel but here I am with two gonks!

Just had a Virus warning from Norton; prog disguised as registry doctor.
Haven’t lost any work

During a manic phase, people feel enormously energetic and powerful and tend to become hyperactive, going without sleep and embarking on totally apparent unrealistic schemes or projects

I need.
Ÿ A safe and comfortable place to live.
Ÿ Done.
Ÿ Something worthwhile to do.
Ÿ done
Ÿ Finding a way to balance activities in my life.
Ÿ Working on.
Ÿ Adequate transportation.
Ÿ done
Ÿ Enjoyable activities or hobbies.
Ÿ Working up to.
Ÿ Friends, love, sense of belonging in life.
Ÿ Need to work on.
Ÿ Intimate friendship, if wanted.
Ÿ Not ready for.
Ÿ Feeling spiritually, physically, emotionally healthy.
Ÿ NEED TO START.

Useful checklist.

Father just phoned and we’re having a day out tomorrow, early start, 7a.m. up to Ulverston, looking forward to a bit of fresh air and exercise.