21 st.October

21 October
Had another good night’s sleep, could be the drink, only had a couple of shorts mixed with a 5 juice squash, couldn’t taste the booze but seems to be doing the trick, mixer and lemonade; sugar free, had two full sarnies for supper.

Woke up this morning at 9. 30 didn’t have the usual craving feeling in my stomach but only lasted an hour before went to shop and bought half an ounce,
had 5 cigs off the belt and got stuck into cleaning up.
Just nicely finished.

Tidied up backitchen and done washing up, took rubbish out and put credit into gas meter, £12.50 on now.
Electric healthy.
Cleaned up the bathroom and front room,
made beds and had a quick exercise session, steps up to 100+.

For some reason cannot connect with Internet radio station so have had to rely on library.

Weather is nice and sunny with little breeze, got windows open to freshen place up a bit.

Feeling better than yesterday must have been in some form of a downer but got over it by the time I went to bed.
Feel better for cleaning up, going to try once again to keep it tidy instead of a clean up once a week.
Treating myself to a gin and juice.

Have had 7 cigs today and haven’t got the usual feeling of stomach easing because the initial craving cramps weren’t there to begin with.
Was expecting to get up and appease the craving with the inhaler but didn’t need it,
possibly tomorrow or one of these days I’ll wake up and not want the usual early morning smoke, if that happens I will be able to last the rest of the day I’m sure.
For £6.00 I got the inhaler and 6 cartridges each one containing a measured dose of nicotine,
I am not sure but think the dose is probably more than my present daily intake.


Once the smoker has bought the starter kit you go on to purchasing packs of 48 cartridges, recommended daily dose is between 6 and max 12, there’s no way I’m going to give it a chance to get me hooked on nicotine in that form I’d rather continue trying to cut right down till I stop of my own accord.

My smoking habit has changed from taking deep draws to simply half hearted inhaling and exhaling almost immediately, few more days, perhaps give myself the end of the month as a date to stop.
I never thought giving up would be easy, taking into account I’ve been smoking non-stop for 34 years,
I’ll go my own pace but keep the idea of stopping in my mind.
I’m relying on getting a feel good factor from exercise to help me.

The better I feel in myself the more incentive I’ll have to stop completely,

I can now keep myself and my clothes relatively clean and free from the smell of smoke,
the flat is aired and bed linen and everything in bedroom is free from smell.
I bought on oversize t-shirt yesterday with an interesting design,
eventually I’ll have enough clothes to wear clean ones each day and be able to wash as I wear them.
I associate the smell of smoke with being dirty and that is helping me.

My car registration has returned with the change from private to disabled.

Buying the car seemed to be a priority but hasn’t been used too much.
When I first moved here I felt isolated from the life I’d come to know at Redcar,
also I needed transport to go shopping etc.
I soon realised Redcar wasn’t important to me anymore,
and haven’t used the car for trips out because of the expense.

A half-ounce of baccy will help me to stay in for two days, reasonably contented;
it also accompanies the odd drink or two.

I had thoughts about starting to brew my own booze again and may pay a trip to the home brew shop if I can remember where it was.
If I remember correctly a gallon of home made vodka was about £10,
which is what I’m paying for a single bottle,
if I’m mixing it with so much juice I may as well brew my own.

I remember the old days when I’d have 20 gallon or so of beer, lager, wine and spirits ready, parties were thrown at the drop of a hat but I was surrounded by people I didn’t really care for, after all who is going to refuse the offer of free booze?
Perhaps a couple of gallon kits to produce a spirit to be mixed.

I’ve relegated the recently bought jumper to being a seat cover with a cushion built in to rest my head on, waste not want not.

The sun disappears as grey cloud cover prevails.

I feel in the mood to have a couple of drinks and will do so.

Life is boring if sticks are bigger than carrots.

Life cannot always be what one desires but hopefully by planning for the future I’ll be able to make next year more enjoyable.
I’ll be fitter, be a non-smoker and have enough money saved to allow me to take a break courtesy of car whenever I desire.
I’ll never have enough to stay in Dave’s cabin for a fortnight unless I get someone else to accompany me,
Ash will never spend what little he has on a break so I’m left alone,

I have to learn to once again to enjoy my own company and plan for number one.
I’ve learnt I’m not the marrying type,
possibly not even good enough to remain faithful in a relationship,
but can give commitment without a piece of paper pledging same.

Next year I may seek out companionship but at the present moment am satisfied.

Am I satisfied?

Would like the place to look better but basically it serves its purpose so why change?

I’m not going to buy anything major like carpets etc until I do quit smoking,
don’t need flash clothes because that’s not me,
I’m happy enough to wear cast offs and can use second hand goods as long as they serve their purpose.
At some point during everyday I think back to what I had,
I remember the expense of things I laid out for in rented accommodation,
I now live with the basics and have got; am getting used to it.

What I’d like to do.

Ÿ Take pictures of area in Autumn and follow up with spring and summer copies.

Ÿ Tour in car, simple excursions, sleeping in car if need be.

Ÿ Returning to fishing at local reservoir.

Ÿ Tidy up front garden.

Ÿ Stop smoking.

Ÿ Get fitter.

Ÿ Get eyesight sorted if get windfall.

Ÿ Socialise with people who can converse.

Ÿ Paint.

Ÿ Do some form of voluntary work?

Ÿ Hook up with a woman.

Ÿ Be entertained.

Ÿ Learn to enjoy myself.


I listen to an oldie singing about missing you;
I do miss my last partner but know inside myself I could never live with someone who lies and thieves.
I don’t ask much from a partner but loyalty would be high upon the list.

Rain splatters against the windows and I recall the nights I spent playing music taking the rhythm form the raindrops.

I struggle for ideas to write about as I listen to music I downloaded years ago.
Sometimes life just drifts on by.
I intend to get mildly intoxicated and return to bed, or could get really wrecked and sleep through till tomorrow.