22 nd.November.

22 November
Seem to recall waking up several times during night and early a.m.
Weather is cloudy but dry at moment; wind seems to have died down.
Today is day three, the day I usually fall.

Nothing feels too different, at moment I have head full of mucus, am still wheezing,
Should begin to feel better after week or so.
Breathing is a little better; I’m trying to convince myself that some good is coming out of it.
I have an awful taste in my mouth.
I could cheerfully jump in car and go to shop for baccy, yet I feel no definite craving for it, as long as I eat well enough to stop any feelings of hunger I will be able to distinguish between hunger pains and craving cramps.
Usually cramps appear during first hour of waking up;
I use waking up because I no longer get up when I wake up I try to prolong the time and return to sleep.
I take a deep breath, my chest rattles and stomach gurgles but a deep breath is taken and slowly released, as advocated by several members who have given up.
I look for the elastic band on my wrist and give it a twang, that’s the first time I’ve used it since giving up.
I still have to work that action into the suggestion routine.

One thing I have noticed is the quality of sleep, my sleep is broken and I find myself awake perhaps two or three times per night.
I recall prior to giving up, I’d wake up at say early a.m. and get up and have a smoke so there perhaps lies the reason, the body is trying to get me to have a smoke;

That’s if you subscribe to the conspiracy idea in which the body mutineers against the plan to quit.

In short I’ve done nothing except fill the waking hours, there has been no hardship or pain, no cold sweats, arduous cold turkey…nothing.
I wonder if my sedentary lifestyle will make it easier or harder to quit.
I’ve woken up and left the bed to sit in the chair, there’s a bloody good chance that I will spend the rest of the day till bedtime in the chair.
If I was occupied with some past time or other would the task be easier?
I am using all my powers of relaxation and meditative hypnosis to help me pass the hours.
Part of this exercise uses the sounds to bring on the state of relaxation and at the moment for some reason the media player is posing problems,
I keep sending error reports but usually three or four times each day the streaming is interrupted and the mood disappears until I fix the problem.
The day is dark and typing is difficult.

60 hrs. now so I presume the hold of the Nicotine has waned somewhat.
I would like a cigarette, to feel the smoke go down the throat and to exhale it slowly before drawing deeply upon a second drag.
Making the room smell, waking up to the smell of stale tobacco in the air.
I sneeze and wonder if I’ve picked up the cold from my Father;
I wouldn’t mind it would give me an excuse to stay in bed longer.

I sat and watched a poorly made program last night about “alcoholics,” one was playing to the camera; another was looking for excuses to drink.
I was sat there wondering if I fancied a drink and if I’d be able to go to the shop and order drink without the usual accompanying baccy.
I sat for the best part of an hour watching this program; every shot seemed to include a close up on a cigarette slowly burning away as the victims talked about their predicament.

To have one will take me back to the foot of the mountain,

I think not, I’ve stopped myself from smoking at least 60hrs. in the last few days, to have one will not restart any craving because I feel no craving now.
I am now thinking of excuses to support my liking of smoking,

I do enjoy smoking, must do or I wouldn’t do it everyday, some cigarettes at first were more enjoyable than others but eventually all were alike and the whole day would be filled with smoking; smoking was a way of filling in the time till bed time.

I now exert the same amount of energy into not smoking during the waking hours!
It’s a challenge with purpose.
I cough and clear my throat but nothing happens, in as much as I was expecting huge masses of phlegm or mucus to be released from the overexcited throat and lungs.
Perhaps later.
Inside I feel I would certainly love a smoke, knowing full well it would take my head off and upset my stomach.
Would one be sufficiently powerful as to make me return to smoking 20 or more per day?

Dare I risk it? Do I want to return to day one again?

I cough again and purposely try to bring anything up which may be present, I seem to feel that there is something coating the tubes but as yet unable to move in to the airways.
I remember one smoker telling me that he needs three or four cigarettes in the morning to bring the phlegm up off his chest;
I’ve never been that bad but now feel as if something should be moving.
My breathing is relaxed and easy,
I really could go to town with a packet now.

I can almost taste the smoke.

The sensation of it passing down the throat, possibly triggering cancer of the throat of oesophagus. Continuing into the chest cavity to block up the fine arterioles causing a choice of several chest complaints.

I could literally die for one now.

At times like this it’s good to have something to hold on to.
I remember some 32 years ago been in hospital.
An old man in his 70’s offered me a cigarette in the relative safety of the toilet,
he had a length of tubing for a throat and I watched fascinated as the smoke and saliva mixed and gurgled in this tube.
That memory should be sufficient to stop me from having any thoughts of having a smoke,

Even the pain I feel in my chest at the moment should serve as a timely reminder of my heart condition, another positive reason to give up.
My savings are growing steadily so there’s a good reason to quit, for I’d hate to have a decent amount of money and be unable to enjoy it.
Talking of savings the small amount I save from not buying baccy will be sufficient to cover the cost of broadband which is what I’m using to pass the time while quitting!

My stomach churns and rumbles, much the same as it did prior to first smoke of the day.
I feel a fleeting headache above one eye, it comes and goes.

I would love half an ounce now; I’d roll it all up and then share the smokes out, giving myself so many each day.

Why? Because I’m desperate for a smoke and therefore any suggestion which allows smoking is bound to be accepted.

Crazy mind games.

I take a deep breath and let it out slowly and noisily.
A stomach rumble runs from left to right and I decide to have another sweet cup of tea.
The room has chilled down and will soon be time to bring quilt out and get wrapped up.
Usually three days is my stumbling block, and I crack smoking; subconsciously I ‘m looking for ways to fail.
I think of how good it would be to go to the shop for a half-ounce and a bottle of booze.
The booze won’t be enough to put me to sleep, it never is, and the baccy will lose its appeal after the first three cigs, which will rekindle the nicotine addiction as sure as putting a flame to a candle.
Headache is prominent and tinnitus is loud as if I’d already had the first cigarette of the day.
I am cracking, weakening.
I think of a trip to neighbours to cadge the rollie.
The rollie, which may taste sweet but would be seen as failure?
Or just a hiccup. I know it will effect me, but all the same I would enjoy it.
Had word from tutor that I passed the exam and has offered me some course work on word pro, which I’ve accepted.
Would like a smoke and drink now, to celebrate and to help me sleep through the hours.

Bought eight cans and a half-ounce.

Disappointed, lager tasted poor and baccy had no taste at all.
Not going to sit and chain smoke, just going to restrict myself to say five rollies.
Am annoyed at buying same but have done it now.
No hit, no feeling of pleasure, may turn out to be a good buy because it has shown me I was over the need for a hit.

A nice meal and a pint may have been a better way to celebrate, if there is a reason to celebrate, there was no option of me failing, not in my opinion.
I turn the heating on to lowest setting and heating obliges, just takes chill off room.
Fingers are cold but I’m dressed now so most of body is warm.
Radiators are best way to warm room, much quicker than fire and hopefully less expensive.

I’m using smoke and drink as a treat, a reward.
How stupid can that be?

A nice fat joint of something worthwhile would have been better but not available.

I have stopped for two and a half days and now am going to prove to myself that I can regulate intake, i.e. I can set myself a daily target and stick to it whilst having baccy on the premises.

I was glad there are more courses for me to sit,
I did think that the work might have stopped when I sat the two tests but obviously not.
I may get experience of word, excel ect.
I am. I’m ashamed to admit it enjoying the smoke, not so much the drink but never mind, it was cheaper and better than buying another bottle of spirits.
Hell my life is boring and drink and fags pass the time.
Hopefully after not having a drink for nearly a week the cans will help me sleep, they should have an effect on me,
normally they don’t.
I like to have an afternoon kip and sometimes that kip can turn into a full session from which I don’t wake up till next day,
that’s what I could do with today.
The idea of paying for Internet from baccy money appeals to the saving part of me.
Without my daily diary I’d be lost for something to pass the hours away.
I may have failed but have shown to myself that I can turn on and off the need to have a drink and a smoke.
Tomorrow I’ll have a walk into the village and maybe a couple of pints, will see how the weather is.
The lager passes through me, hopefully cleaning out the system.
No thoughts about food as yet, usually when I have a craving for a smoke I’m hungry as well.
Must be cold today because I only have the heating set on a few degrees above zero.
Room is pleasantly warm, comfortable.
I put £20 on the electric so should last for a while.
First hiccups as I drink the warm lager.
I haven’t a drink problem;
I drink much less at home than I would normally in a pub or club.
My hair is dirty and I think tomorrow I’ll need to tidy up and have a wash and shave before venturing out.

I remind myself I’ve passed the exams and that is something to be proud of even though it took very little effort.
Cans are costing 72 pence each so a lot cheaper than in the pub!
Why should I want to sit in a pub paying nearly £2.oo per drink when I can get the same, chilled at 72 pence?
I recall how I was nervous about sitting the exams, which turned out to be very little of a challenge.
I will take on as many exams as they offer me.

I take a walk to the fridge to get a cold one are there is a sign of a stagger; I was right to take a few days break from drinking,
If drinking and smoking are the only options left to give me a break/ enjoyment then I must steer clear of the daily habit, which only serves to increase the tolerance, and in doing so wipes out the effect.
I’ve had the three cigs, which will replace the nicotine and am on the third can, which sits heavy upon an empty stomach.
I think I will test myself and try over winter to drink soft drinks when out.
If I can get into the habit of drinking soft drinks and having a drink at home afterwards then I should be able to get out more and drive safely.

I watched a guy last night drinking half pint wine down in a single gulp, was not surprised to see him throw up afterwards, they were mixing cider with wine and spirits,
I have to get a grip on myself.
I could easily, so easily fall into being a habitual drinker but without periods of abstinence I would get no effect from drinking so am part way to understanding my habit.
If I can drink a pint of spirit without getting an effect then it stands to reason its not worth while.
I look at the clock and realise there is nothing on the TV till a further four hours so will have another drink and a bath and go to bed for the remaining hours. Mistake.
Cannot get spell check to work.
I need to take control over my waking hours.