22 nd.October.

22 October
Woke up this a.m. after having at least 15 hrs. sleep,
Good sleep no nightmares.

Had a shit, which is surprising since I’ve only had a couple of salad sarnies and a bowl of cereal since Friday.

Counted tabs in ashtray had 12 yesterday, am on my third now with second cuppa.

Weather is unnaturally nice for October, sunny day, stiff breeze, pleasant!
Am feeling better than I’ve felt all month.

Why I don’t know, could be mixture of diet, exercise and quality of sleep.
I didn’t get drunk yesterday just decided not to waste the night watching crap TV.
Didn’t do any course work yesterday, have lost impetus, may try some today.

Am in a strange mood, relaxed almost to the extent of contentment.

My gut hanging over the keyboard reminds me I have a long way to go before I lose the weight needed to once again get into some of my jeans collection, but hopefully time will cure.

I had no craving, once again, no sensation in my stomach so I’m making inroads into my addiction.

True I still enjoy the first cigs with early cuppa but enjoyment is different from craving.
There has been times during the month when I’d get up at ungodly hours of the night or early morning to have a couple of cigs and return to bed.

I’m sleeping all the way through now so that habit has been curtailed.

12 rollies in a day equates to about 8 cigarettes so am cutting down steadily, my chest feels better and as mentioned my step rate is slowly increasing,
although I’m still a long way off a full session.

The flat is tidy save for the few crumbs left as evidence of last night’s sarnie,
so I have nothing to do today except pass the time till bedtime,
whenever that will be.

I was afraid a couple of weeks ago that I may be heading for another episode but seem to have pulled through.

Mt stomach churns a little as I roll my third cig, showing me that the craving is still there, usually three cigs appeases the hunger like feeling I get on a morning before I smoke.
Just done a few calculations and if I stick to a strict spending regime for the next year and if none of my equipment goes on the blink I could save up a tidy sum,

Why and what for I know not but the need to save seems to be strong.

Perhaps a decent holiday or just the security of knowing I have finances available may be enough.
I haven’t sufficient income to put a lot away each week but if I can find a way to cover my expenses then I’ll obviously have more to save.

For some reason the spacing has gone haywire
I’ll have to figure this one out.
Had to go into format, paragraph, line spacing for some reason it went into triple.
That’s something new I’ve learnt today so hasn’t been a waste of time.

Decided to try to save as much as possible in the next 12 months.

I’ve got what I’ve been trying to get for years without even trying too hard.
Somewhere peaceful, quiet and out of the way,
I’ve shrugged off everyone I knew and therefore can begin a new page.

The past 18 months or so have been a bad time for me but the last 12 months living here has been beneficial to my recovery,
For I do regard myself as being on the road to recovering in as much as I understand a little bit more about my condition and can therefore read the signs.
I may be going through a phase now because of some of the ideas I have, but I think not.

Early to bed.
Got up this a.m. at 4.30 having had a good sleep,
just sat and smoked rest of baccy off chain smoking,

Had a few vodkas, threw up and went back to bed about 7.
Mike woke me up at 12 then parents came down with some veg.
When they had gone went to off license for more baccy.

Have only had one meal a day since Friday, should start to lose a little weight.

Had a good think this morning and have decided to save up for the next 12 months, not for anything in particular just save the coin and see how well I can do.
Bumped into one of the drug dealers and he apologised for not having any dope for what is now 2 months.
Got me thinking.
Said he had some but it had been dipped in water prior to sale!

I look a bit of a mess, not having shaved for a few days but to hell with it.
Place is tidy and I only want to get drunk and sleep.
Booze has lasted four days so hasn’t done too bad, today will be last session.

Feeling weird in myself, as if body is separated!

I know drinking is no solution to anything but at moment its for pleasure and to help me sleep.
Will have another day wrecked and then leave alone for a while.