23 rd. September.

23 September 20 15:09
Had a really good 12 hrs. sleep and woke up at 10.30.
Was expecting to be poorly after scranning three day old beef burgers but seem to have survived.
Energy levels low and day is humid and clammy so got stuck into flat.

Back kitchen, front room done then decided to do washing.
Ideal day for drying, minimal breeze and a little sunshine.
Have at moment three lines of washing, mostly bedding,
hopefully they will dry and I’ll be able to enjoy a nice sleep in clean smelling bedding.

Decided I’d done a good day’s work so I went to supermarket where a surprisingly polite young man served me.
I bought several cans of lager and treated myself to some expensive lemonade and a bottle of Navy rum;
Certainly makes a difference drinking decent booze instead of cheap imports.
I now sit content cooled down by fan,
listening to meditation sounds and sipping rum, lemon on ice.

I noticed this a.m. that my ”mind control” tablets (Zyprexa) had run out,
I panic not; I’ll await a visit off the social worker, in his own time.


A serious rain cloud passes over and I breathe a sigh of relief.
The side effects of the medication don’t bother me too much but I was wondering where the appetite was coming from after leaving the dope alone for so long.
Medication and “munchies” was getting a little too much!

The car trip the other day, almost 300 miles, brought us into congestion early morning and teatime, the usual worker’s rush hours.
I decided then I have no wish to return to any such lifestyle; if I can help it.

The person at the job centre was pleased with my apparent progress and touched upon what a prospective employer would require of me.
I put her straight and told her I’d work from home but wasn’t going to join in the rat race again.

I have spent a long time evading the stress of daily travelling etc. and my life is relaxed to the nth degree, hopefully it will stop that way.
I couldn’t go through the masochistic ritual of travelling to and from a work place.
She also asked if the course centre had touched upon the subject of further courses,
I replied she was being a bit previous and we decided to leave things on hold till December.

Must phone Blackpool on Monday.

I’ve read the gas meter and phoned in the reading, which the company needs before transferring my supplier to what is hopefully a cheaper option.

Now I know that a side effect of the tablets is lethargy I will be able to see if energy levels rise while not taking the medicine.
I intend to return to the high veg. meals and do some exercise every day,
be it only the form of domestic chores.

I gauge a day by the feeling it gives at the end,

And today I feel fine; satisfied I’ve earned my treat.

I considered going out and socialising but decided the money would be better spent on drink to be consumed at home.
Saturday is a shit night on the TV so I may as well aim for another good night’s sleep.
The fact I’ve bought alcohol doesn’t point me towards having a problem with it.
I enjoy a good spirit and always drink it tall with a mixer and over ice.
The experiment with the menthol tips seems to have worked.
I’ve smoked about 120 cigs in 6 days, which equates to 20 rollies per day.

Normally a rollie is equal to a third of a cigarette when comparing volume of tobacco but this week I’ve unashamedly loaded each one with sufficient to produce a reasonable smoke;
No Durham specials.

I’m getting to the end of the pack and thus once again a chance to pack in for a while is drawing ever nearer.

During the trip home the other day I had a conversation with my mother describing the program I’d watched on the Tuesday about bi-polar manic depression,
by talking about it I wonder if I now accept that I have and am a victim of it.

It would be too easy to put every action of my past down to an illness,
but on reflection it could count for some of my more outlandish behaviour and temper tantrums.
During my early years I had the option of violence as an outlet for my aggression
but now I’m too old and laid back to seek out confrontation,

When I was younger I was warned I’d kill some one some day if I didn’t learn to control my temper, and was duly booted out of the boxing club!
I realised after putting a schoolmate into hospital that the time was drawing near and I became a prankster and a bully.
Nowadays I’m seen as an arrogant bastard with a dangerous mouth.

I don’t make excuses for my apparent talking down to certain people,

I usually only do it when a person in my opinion is talking out of their arse!

People said I was incapable of listening and wouldn’t give people the chance to air their views fully before cutting them down,
I was speeding that much that to wait was a drag,

I had to interrupt and get my piece said before I forgot it!

I don’t want to lose my edge but have tried somewhat successfully to listen to others.
I still respect anyone who has something of obvious interest to say but will not suffer fools just for politeness’ sake,
in other words I will not dumb down for anyone.
I don’t crave attention or appreciation for intelligence just respect for who I am.
I now am trying to change who I am and hopefully will benefit from doing so.

04:26 PM All washing brought in, dry or not,
both quilt covers put on with remarkably little chew, will be nice sleep tonight.

True I may be unemployed but still get a buzz from a job well done.
Lemon top lager as reward.

Every day I get up and the day is the challenge,
how to fill it with some form of purpose;
when I’m on the dope it doesn’t matter too much because the day just naturally passes but when straight I tend to think of the jobs in hand,
tasks forgotten and put aside till feeling up to it.

To waste a day just for the sake of it by being stoned or drunk no longer is sufficient.
That was one of the reasons for wanting to study the course;
if I could go to bed with a sense of achievement I’d be happy.

Perhaps now I’m getting a little self-respect back, to lie in a filthy pit is no longer an option,
my excuse was I didn’t have the means to do anything about it,
but now with the washer I have no excuse.

Having this illness and being aware of the fact you get to know how far you can go without drifting into bad habits.
Things can be put off for only so long before they are no longer considered.

Cannabis allowed me to drift from day to day, putting off chores etc,
which a normal person, (if such a being exists) would have rated as a priority.

The above has to be seen in context;
for 20 years I’ve never washed, cooked or shopped for myself and a lot of things are new to me.
I get pleasure from doing new things like cooking a meal or completing housework!
Something I’d never dreamed of years ago.

By altering my state of mind I’ve turned a property which I once saw as a place of imprisonment almost, somewhere I’d been put as a punishment into a haven in which I can learn to live a different life from what I’d known before.
My life has become minimalist and simple.

A new resident is fast becoming a nuisance but will no doubt be “shopped” by the local grass,
I see a falling out in the near future.
The guys children are roaming at will and he is riding around on a kiddie’s motorcycle,
the noise from which will undoubtedly be unacceptable to other residents.

For some reason I’m experiencing interference on Internet radio!
I change stations and quality improves.
Enya fills my ears with new age sounds, uplifting, almost religious yet relaxing.
I top up my Carlsberg.
I realise the jumper I’m wearing is still a little damp so replace it with comfort of fleece dressing gown.
Decide to back up file before drinking any more.

BACKED UP.

Obvious CD-RW is the media from now on. Would still like to explore spoken word to text. (£180)!
Looked at a few speaker systems and think will just buy a cheap 7.1. For p.c. and leave TV on stereo for now.

Noticed handy switched gang in Marske shop.

07:36 PM Treated myself to home made chicken stir fry-curried served with crackers and a pint of lager.
Had a go at last module but not in mood for downloading.
02:35 AM
Neighbours decide to have a noisy meeting.
I listened for a while then went to bed; am unable to sleep,

Got up and decided to smoke all the baccy that’s left in an attempt to sicken myself off it.
Am listening to meditation music again and trying to chain-smoke 6 cigs while drinking rum and pep.
Cannot understand why if I do nothing I’m tired yet if I fill my day I am wide-awake at night.

Was looking forward to a good sleep but alcohol isn’t working and I’m too awake to relax.

Three rollies to go after this one!
I light another and leave it in ashtray to burn as I type,

Another drink is poured and I resolve to go to bed,
Hopefully intoxicated enough to sleep till tomorrow afternoon.

I think of all the work I did only to throw the hard drive away on a land fill site;
nearly five years of writing and studying.

Every night for years now I’ve chastised myself for not being able to give up smoking,
I hope I can succeed this time.
I‘ve lain awake many a night listening to the sounds from my throat as I breathe out,

this must surely be the end of the line.
The peppermint stops me from wanting to puke and settles an overstretched gut.

I make a note of intention to flush tab ends down toilet in case I do the usual and re-roll them in the morning.
The tip falls out of the penultimate one and I stub it out in disgust,

One more to go.
I light it and lay it in the ashtray, another drink slips down,
reminiscent of the old days when I could drink anyone under the table be it on rum or whisky.

I pour another and intend to gauge it to last till rollie is finished.

I sneeze several times in quick succession and clear a load of mucus into a handy tea towel.
Each sneeze hurts my back and makes my eyes water, but I feel better for it.

I remember once or twice trying to give up the weed by overdosing on same,
I’d sit and chain smoke till I threw up.
Aversion therapy, my way!
Give the body what it craves then more till become physically ill.

I burn a hole into the stubbed out remains of the other one rendering it unlightable.

03:12 AM Tobacco finished.
Still have no effect from alcohol; going to open windows and empty ashtray into toilet,
probably be sick then go to bed.
Helluva life.

Have more respect than that for Navy rum so will try to keep it down.

Why have I chosen today to do this?
Why not,
Never give up giving up,
I’ve tried so many times but this time feels right.

My finger joints and wrists are stiff and thumbs painful;
typing doesn’t give me the same exercise as the piano keyboard used to give me,
I looked upon that as a way of keeping hands useful.
I’m struggling with remains of drink but will finish it, should be enough to put me over;
probably retaliate with a hang over but who cares?

03:20 AM

I become a NON-SMOKER.