23 rd.November.

Thursday.23 November
Am annoyed at myself for cracking yesterday and buying a half-ounce.
On the plus side I proved to myself I didn’t need it, there wasn’t one rollie I enjoyed so today I’ll finish it off and start again.

I had another poor night’s sleep, waking up several times during the dream period, spending some time thinking over what I’d been dreaming about then returning to sleep.

Today is sunny but very windy, I don’t think I’ll risk going out; don’t like battling against the wind, not in my condition.
It’s warmer than of late so will pass away the hours until baccy has gone.
Post this a.m. informs me that my bank is going to begin charging for current account £10 per month; too much for me to pay.

I have the window slightly open and I can feel the breeze in the room.
I sit now and wonder why I bought smoke yesterday, it must have crept up on me and overpowered my sense; I know now I’ll have to resist all urges.
There’s only enough left for a few so will have a couple of cans and finish it off.
I don’t feel disheartened just disappointed in myself for being weak.

New Internet explorer has a different layout but succeeded in finding favourites; message from Val am enrolled on word pro course and it is ready to start, at least I’ll be able to get a sense of achievement from somewhere.
Will help pass the hours.
I wasn’t too surprised at the letter from the bank, I’d read that the parent bank was going to introduce charges, just means I’ll have the hassle of finding another account to have it paid into, may use post office account, but there again who knows how long that will last for?

Despite having a disrupted sleep I feel quite well today, have just been to the toilet and feel better for that, proves fruit and veg do their job.
I’ve just rolled two rollies up from yesterday tab ends, why? I dunno just getting my money’s worth I guess.

May have been a mistake downloading the new explorer will have to learn to use it.
Spell check is still erratic, cannot figure out why it has changed but will live with it for a while, just got to take more care when typing.

Wind is sounding very strong, tops of trees are moving like hell.
Whenever the wind is strong it reminds me of the day I battled for hours trying to get home in a gale force wind, nearly killed me! Never again.

I’m tempted to begin the course but will leave it for the weekend; this weekend will be long without rollies, why? I dunno but am surmising it will be difficult,
I lasted two and a half days so this week with a little luck I’ll have had five days off it.
If I can stick it I now I can crack it.
Will just take time, just put it down to a setback and carry on.

I’m trying out a new radio station today, chill out juke box, all new sounds to me, which is what I strive for,
I’ll listen to anything (within reason) as long as it is new to me.

So on the positive side of this week I’ve had a couple of days off the weed and found out what its like; received confirmation of a pass in my P.C, exams and have enrolled for another course.
The place has remained tidy save for a couple of lager cans on the floor, I have enough food to make nice meals, have plenty of credit on gas and electric, money in pocket so no need to go out.
I am sorted and ready for a smoke free weekend, may even last out until Monday before collecting money.

Was thinking of phoning Ash again but that would mean I’d be subjected to temptation with him being a smoker so will have to do without until I feel confident enough not to accept any rollies off him.
I finish my tea and will begin on the couple of cans, which are left.
Seem to have got checker back on, background grammar and spelling was turned off, will see if that works.
Having to close window before room chills too much.

I remember Thursday is dustbin day but am unsure if its recycle week or rubbish week, I put three bags of rubbish into half full bin and decided to wait till next week, returning upstairs I am short of breath and am reminded of why I want to quit smoking.

Spell check is back in business.
I have made a problem for myself by transferring the diary onto disc and wiping off hard disc copy; page numbering has returned to single figures, there may be a way to merge when I back it up but not too bothered at moment as long as work is safe.
12:34 PM and I’m on first can of ice cold lager, refreshing to mouth, will take away the taste of tab end rollies.
I used to get early morning stomach cramps which wouldn’t go till I’d smoked at least three rollies, the cramps have disappeared, perhaps I’ve eaten into the nicotine’s’ grip on my system, I hope so.
Clean empty ashtray, can of lager, am sorted.
Three cans of lager to go at, not enough to get me drunk but will pass the time.

I’m more convinced than ever that the medication I’m taking is working on the pleasure centre of my brain and is blocking sensations;
I no longer get a buzz off Cannabis, alcohol or recently tobacco.

I remember feeling like this when I tried Zyban, just got up one morning and I wasn’t enjoying baccy so quit very easily for three days.
Three days seems to be the first hurdle and I generally have fallen every time, this time I will try harder.
I’ve set many target dates in the past but am determined to stick to this one, the month is coming to an end and I intend to get myself sorted.
Stopping smoking is the most important single thing I can do to improve my health and situation.

My care worker and parents are chuffed I’ve kicked the dope into touch but it was easy, no brainer, gear was crap and too expensive to be taken for a ride time and time again.

I suspect a lot of other smokers will be going through the same abstinence.
The clouds mass together and the room darkens but my mood remains buoyant.
I scrape the remnants of a forgotten meal from my jumper, picking at it like some ape grooming itself, anything to save having to wash it.

Beginning to chill down now as the clouds cut out the sunlight.
I top up my drink and burp.
The room is cold but I am against putting the heating on, anything that saves money,
I aim to save as much as possible this winter.

Some of the flats opposite pay £6+ each week but their heating is on 24/7 I wish in a way I was one of them but on the other hand I have the opportunity to save money, the sky darkens and it becomes difficult to type.
I relent and put radiator on to remove chill.
Having tried out options of radiator and fire I conclude the radiator is the best way of keeping the room warm, its right next to me whereas the fire is opposite me on the far wall.
Looking at the sky and listening to the wind I’m glad I stayed in.

I draw deeply on the rollie and realise there is no hit or anything to be gained;
I hope I make it this time.

As my teachers used to say, Must try harder!
My thirst for knowledge and accreditation is for my own satisfaction; I have nothing to prove to anyone but myself.
I find myself double drawing on the cig in an attempt to?
Another one bites the dust, another step along the way.

The wind has reached gale force and howls menacingly, hope Father’s garden and greenhouse in particular survives the onslaught.

The heat from the radiator is slowly making its presence known, I’m sat wearing what I wore yesterday and what I wore in bed last night, jumper and trackie bottoms.

I am frustrated at having to smoke the remaining baccy, I thought of keeping it and just having the odd one when the urge was strongest but soon dismissed that idea, when its finished I’ll clean the room of smoking paraphernalia and declare the flat a smoke free zone.

As far as my mental condition is concerned I feel normal today, not high or depressed just normal; I have forgotten how normal feels and cannot recall a period in the last ten years or so when my lifestyle was normal.
I’ve always lived a life which revolved around study, alcohol and dope so do not know what its like to be normal; I shun socialising and have no acquaintances to speak of.
Most of the people I know are social drinkers and habitual smokers I’m going to have to leave them behind.
Doesn’t bother me.

I’m drawing deeper than normally on the rollies yet getting nothing out of them, coughing disturbs nothing in my throat.
When I smoke to excess and drink at the same time I used to end up vomiting, after which I’d feel much better. I may do that today.

I will have to phone up Blackpool and get my pension paid into another account, will be a pain because there will be no statements also how will I pay direct debits?
Will have to think about that.
Perhaps I’ll suss out the bank in the village and see if they intend to charge for the services I require.
NOTE get switchable trailer.

I cough and sneeze; best place for me today would have been to stay in bed. I break for a piss, porcelain cleaned I blow my nose and hope the sneezing isn’t signs of a cold.
Washing soaking in bath reminds me of chores to do; not today.

Sun breaks through and shines directly upon me, will soon be gone from scope of window and room will again chill down, the darkening clouds engulf it and darkness prevails.
Last can of lager opened; would have cost me nearly six quid in pub but has cost me less than half of that.
Being a S.A.D. Bastard I am not looking forward to the dark days of winter,

Next year If I’m well and have got my confidence back and am healthy I will think about having a winter break abroad.

The idea is there and so I receive my first reason for saving so much money.
I remember the hassle of trying to buy some cannabis whilst abroad, taxi drivers blocking the road to the apartments warning me of going into the area.
I of course found a way into the ghettos and was appalled at the conditions, didn’t get any dope though.
Had to stop the cleaner from sweeping my stash over the balcony!

Radiator noisily kicks back in.
Sun breaks through once again and I close my eyes and pretend I’m laid somewhere warm enjoying it; it has almost reached the limit of the window and is bidding me a fond farewell.

My stomach rumbles but not from hunger, its from the smoke and drink. I belch and my stomach churns, I really do not like drinking gassy beer.
Three pints is not over the top, chain-smoking is the cause of discontent.

I am going to try a couple of sessions on the soft drinks to see if I can cope, if I can I may be able to have a few nights out during winter; drinking and driving is a no no so will have to get into the habit of soft drinks only.
The sun has almost disappeared and its only 2p.m.

I let loose an industrial strength fart and curse the gas in the lager.
Smoking what could be the penultimate cig I belch and acid is detected.
I roll another knowing there is sufficient left for one more small one. Things are going to plan.
I let the ashtray smoke; I want to be a non-smoker.

Tried course work will try again when sober.
I make a cuppa and roll last rollie, nice fat one. Drain the lager, belch and have a drink of sweet tea.
Getting to time for afternoon nap,
02:44 PM last cig. Just got to ditch tab ends down toilet.
Clean my teeth and have gargle and will be ready for bed.
Hiccupping like mad,
Had a couple of hour’s kip and up for 5.45.
Watched TV till 11.30 then off to bed.