24 th November.

Friday, 24 November
Had woken up earlier but when I saw how dark and dismal it was I decided to stay a little longer under the warm sheets.
Been 21 hrs without a smoke and feels strange sat here with first cuppa and not having a rollie in hand.
Post delivered a certificate from learning centre and an agreement for a new course.
Day is damp, dark, dismal and definitely not for going out in.
Money will last that little bit longer.

I take in a deep breath and decided would rather have the ability to do that than a rollie.
I’m yawning despite having had 12 hrs in bed. Sleep was fragmented and I was awakened several times.
But at least I was warm enough, was a mild night temperature wise; felt a lot colder this early a.m. though, cold enough to convince me to stay between the sheets.

In a couple of hours will be 24 hr and craving should begin to recede.
In total I’ve had two days smoking and four days abstinence so far this week.

I don’t want to go out in case I am tempted, I know full well I will be;
perhaps the safest place to go would be the middle house because it doesn’t sell tobacco behind the bar, but from experience I know it sells cigars so better off staying out.
The clubs no good because they sell tobacco.

All the above is taking for granted that I would want a drink on payday; I‘ve had quite a selection these fast few weeks so a period of abstinence will do me good.
I’ve returned to my favourite meditation channel and familiar sounds are being poured into the warming atmosphere of the room.
I feel almost relaxed.

When I first awoke the tinnitus was obvious so I cannot blame the early morning smoke for its volume, at the moment it is louder than the sounds but I’m loath to turn up the volume, would make the sounds too prominent, they are supposed to be chill out,

The usual morning taste of smoke is missing, even after such a short spell of time.
I’m searching for plus points.

I did, out of habit inspect a baccy pouch laid on the floor, but this time it was definitely empty! No slip ups. Ashtray on top of toilet cistern reminds me of the watery fate of the last tab ends.
I have no intention of going out and spending good money on cigars; for the price of three cigars I could buy a full ounce, which under normal circumstances would last me four days or more!
The day is grey yet my mood remains buoyant as I persuade myself that I am on track again to becoming healthier.
I know for a fact I’d probably rip a packet of baccy to shreds getting it open if one was available. It would be all too easy to jump in car and go to shop for half an ounce, but I must resist knowing full well the effect on morale this would cause.
I feel failure when I cracked on Thurs and feel strongly the urge to crack again but will have to fight it.
I have a nice meal planned in my head, which should keep my interest for all of quarter of an hour!

Time is the enemy when one is trying to quit, there is so much of it and it’s punctuated by feelings that will lead to failure.
I had decided that there would be no half measures I.e. cutting down for a period, if I was to stop then it would have to be total.
In the back of my mind is the idea of buying some and just having say for example five per day until a time when I felt ready to stop completely.
It’s just a mind game and another hurdle to clear.
My lungs and heart need respite from smoking.

I sit trying to convince myself that another half ounce won’t do any damage even threw in the cliché,” it’s the weekend, need to have some form of enjoyment.”
I don’t get any buzz from cigs so that idea is out of the window. I will eventually get more of a buzz from not smoking when I begin to feel better,
Going to be a long weekend.

Quitting smoking shows a subconscious commitment to a future.

I sit and ideas for going to the shop bound around inside my head,
I’m trying to cheat myself into buying some smoke.
I think of idea of only smoking weekends; coincidence today is beginning of weekend!
It’s going to take some time before I’m strong enough to resist the urge to buy it for whatever reason.
I feel I’m depriving myself of a pleasure, yet I understand self-harm can never be described as a pleasure.
I feel I’m going to crack and buy a bottle of scotch and baccy.
I cannot get drunk on scotch and baccy gives no buzz.
I think about visiting the neighbour and of course cadging a smoke.
Ideas of limiting myself to say five rollies per day run round my head and I try to stop them taking any hold and becoming more concrete.
23 hrs since had a smoke, hour-by-hour, day-by-day.
I feel no physical effects, no cramps, hunger cravings, dizziness, light-headedness etc.
Time is passing very slowly, dragging.

Cracked again, went into village for money bought half an ounce.

Got steak pie and had a pint, beer gone up 9p per pint! £1.92.
Went to supermarket didn’t know what I wanted so bought a bottle of whisky Mac and a bottle of mulled wine, both taste nice with a little hot water added.
Had a couple of drinks then afternoon nap till 9 p.m.
Got up and watched TV for a while and then bed.