28 th March.

28/03/2007
10:06
Another poor night’s sleep. Seemed to be awake till dawn and then managed to snatch brief periods of sleep.
Not too bothered, will catch up on it.
For several years now I’ve been going to bed and chastising myself for smoking while listening to the sounds made in my chest and throat by even the smallest of breaths.
I now can breathe as deeply as I wish and there is none or very little noise.
For that I’m grateful and have myself to thank,
so I’m on my way to succeeding in my quest to stop smoking.

This morning I awake to a dull, damp, grey morning and could cheerfully sit and have a cigarette with my cuppa, so wanting hasn’t gone.
Yesterday was hard;
I went to the doctors as usual for the prescription and then to chemist and finally to the club. There were only a handful of customers so I sat with three others on the table I usually frequent.
Two of us were sat, one sucking on an inhaler and myself watching every move of a guy at the bar skinning a rollie up.
Eventually after a while someone joined the company and before sitting down emptied her smoking paraphernalia onto the table;
my eyes were immediately drawn to the two ounce pouch of tobacco.
My first thoughts were to ask her for one, but I remained strong and waited patiently till she prepared one and lit it up.
I was disappointed in as much as I couldn’t smell the smoke from her rollie and therefore her presence provided nothing for me;
I drank up and left.
I was aware of the schemes in my mind which involved a trip to the shops to buy half an ounce.
I returned straight home, no detours.
I was quite pleased with myself when after a while the craving had gone.

My doctor has been through the turmoil of giving up and as such is a good mentor for myself.
He understands;
unfortunately some of his warnings are too late but he is trying to help me through these difficult first stages.

There are times when I’m o.k. and not plagued with thoughts of smoking,
I think to myself, “what is all the fuss about?”.
There are times which are easy, times which are painfully hard,(stomach cramps etc.) and times when you have to be aware of another presence trying to coax you into returning to old ways.

Your mind still uses terms like enjoyment and satisfaction when inside of you is the awareness of the truth which is damage and disgust.
The smoker and the quitter have to be aware of these changing scenarios and cope with each in its own way.
Talking to the other people who are trying to quit;
the main reason for taking up the offer of assistance was that the price was right.
The assistance is free and thus allows them to have a go without all the expense of counter bought products.
I remain the only one who is trying the tablets.
I refrain from mentioning their dependence on Nicotine input from the patches, gum and inhaler.
Inside myself I am quietly proud of myself and with every passing day which is added to the total I can feel a sense of achievement.

The guy I was sat with yesterday told me he had noticed that he no longer got out of breath when walking the dog up a particular hill, ( he’s only been stopped for a week).
I have yet to register the benefits so far reaped because truthfully I haven’t been out of the flat for any exercise since starting the tablets.
I may break myself in gently with the exercise machine which has laid redundant for months now, hardly used since I bought it.
That was the second objective to get fitter so I must start soon.

Before leaving the doctors I stood on the scales and even though he gave me words of encouragement because I hadn’t put weight on I was disappointed to see I’d only lost a couple of kilograms.
Exercise is to be my next priority; as soon as I feel comfortable with my ability to keep refraining from smoking.

Three things to aim for; smoke free, exercise and a healthier diet.
My mind is o.k. (despite lack of medicinal control), so now I can concentrate upon the old shell of a body.

I had so wanted to chart my progress in attempting to quit smoking;
to be able to write in an entry when I became a non-smoker and describe all the feelings surrounding such a mile stone.
My attempts to quit have been a daily battle and I am not aware of any particular day when I felt confident that I was to succeed;
indeed I still have feelings of wanting a smoke so therefore I’m not ready yet to label myself successful.
I am coping and that is sufficient for me,
I have no record of all the smoke free days and therefore have no total to state with pride when asked how long now?
Each day merges with the next and for that I’m glad.

I remember the first few days when progress was measured by the hour or half hour or even by each craving beaten;
I do remember the first few days more than the present passing of days which are slipping by increasingly easy.

I would love a rollie now; I would draw deeply on it and fill my lungs.

Breaking habits has been difficult, but once the habits are recognised i.e. the rollies first thing on the morning with the cups of tea,
sufficient rollies, i.e. three or four to pacify the stomach cramps.
The smoking of rollies whilst typing, taking a dump or driving the car.
All the activities once associated with having a rollie in the left hand had to be challenged and stopped.

Benefits been; keyboard requires less cleaning and works the better for not being covered in fag ash;
my driving has improved because I’m no longer taking my eyes off the road to hit the ashtray with the rollie.
I still miss a smoke when having a shit, but hell, I’ll just have to get used to it.

Must admit flat smells better and the odour of conditioner lasts longer on my sweaters and shirts and is all the more noticeable for not having to compete against tobacco odours.
I no longer run the risk of having decent clothes burnt with hot ash, but will still have to take care when toking.

I am undecided as to whether or not I will stop use of cannabis, for sure I will not refuse to partake if a joint is offered;
but may have to think twice about buying baccy to smoke a deal.
I may have to desist from dope for a little while longer.
I honestly don’t think that smoking a few joints over the space of a couple of days will send me hurtling back down the road to becoming a nicotine addict. Will see what transpires, no use panicking yet, especially considering the poor supply of dope at the moment.

Talking about dope., my dealer has just popped in for a few minutes and we shared a joint, and discussed the hype surrounding the Palmer case, mis-information.
The truth is there is evidence that he regularly drunk alcohol, ( a drug within the range of a 15 yr old’s budget).
He was obsessed with murder and knives and repeatedly watched murder films.
Reportings hard to believe/ possible lies/ misinformation.
I would say a heavy user is someone that smokes up to half an ounce per. day.
I cannot believe a 15 yr old could fund such a habit. He had only been smoking three years, ( if you believe he smoked daily). Hardly a hardened smoker.
I am annoyed at the suggestion that skunk played any part in this guy’s behaviour or contributed towards him committing murder.
Alcohol, need for recognition, fascination with death and murder. I believe they contributed ; so please stop trying to bad mouth the users of the green.
Uncountable injuries caused by inclusion of Alcohol into the equation. Focus on them before trying to establish the weakest of possible links to cannabis.
Tinnitus is driving me to distraction. I don’t know if its because I had a smoke or its just decided to flare up but is such a level as to be dominant over guitar music which I’m presently listening to while letting my chicken curry of a dinner settle.
The wish for another smoke is present and ideas of going to shop mingle with other thoughts of the day; will resist.
Got up at one point and put money in pocket; stopped myself at top of stairs and had a break to make another cuppa.
Neighbour called he wanted me to call his mobile so he could find it, I charged a rollie! Naughty.
Am getting a bit sick of spreadsheets and especially different types of formulas, my 2000 edition hasn’t the same functions as the 2003 version so am struggling a bit, unless I’m doing something wrong which is more probable.