30 th November.

30 November
Had a good sleep, really weird long dream, almost Armageddon type, very bloodthirsty,
death and blood everywhere, dismembered bodies and eating each other while still alive!
Not a nightmare just a graphic dream.

Got mail from pyramid he allowed me to have a look inside machine, I couldn’t find anything wrong so he’s arranged for a pick up either tomorrow or Monday.
Very polite.
I woke up just in time to get dustbin out.
Checked mail and received a free meditation mp3, will try it out.
Place is in a bit of a mess but not too bad, had a sponge bath last night but could do with full Monty and shave.
Having to stop in has caused me to run out of tablets but should be able to cope, will borrow some off Ma.
Weather is dry but windy so will have another go at course work, pass the time away.

My mood today is buoyant, I decided not to venture out into the wind so have warmed the flat up and will have restful day, hopefully.

Spent 18 hrs in chair yesterday!
Am slowly slipping back into routine of getting up early mornings, yesterday was 7 and today 8.30.
I’m slowly getting a feeling of being back in control;
house keeping has to be improved but have clear ideas about finances etc. am eating healthier. Have a few problems to sort out, dentist and bank account but apart from that life is fairly stress free and that’s the way I like it!

When I was “poorly” every small detail became blown up out of proportion.
I not only worried about it but constantly thought about everything and anything,
my mind was in turmoil.
My stays in hospital showed me the alternative to the life I was used to;
the place I’d end up if I couldn’t regain control of my life.

The prospect frightened me into action and I had to mentally defrag my brain, getting rid of everything which had previously troubled me and concentrate on everyday living,
despite being in such a bizarre setting.

I was lucky in as much as I had my music to help me through the days, and the ability to amuse myself, often at the expense of others.
I connected with several patients and would listen to them, as they told me more and more about themselves and their lives my problems seemed to fade into insignificance,
allowing me to become grateful for what little I had.

At some points I felt my life was worthless and I couldn’t see how I was to recover but I did.
Being grateful and satisfied with one’s lot.
That was very much the frame of mind I entered when I was released,
I actively searched for the positive aspects of my new situation and concentrated upon them when feeling depressed.
I have a lot to be grateful for when I compare my lifestyle to that of others.

I didn’t always show my gratitude, in fact I showed very little when I vandalised the decorating etc, but that was me trying to get what I wanted as a base line,
I had an idea I wanted simple; my surroundings were too busy and I needed a bland environment to relax in.
I got rid of most things that reminded me of bad events and simplified my life and surroundings as much as possible.
I should be grateful for the roof over my head, having food in the cupboards and sufficient credit to heat my room.
This place will never be regarded as a home.
I have given up trying to make myself a home but am satisfied if I can make somewhere to relax and exist in.