5 th.October.

5 October
Got to sleep about 4 a.m. woken up by dustmen, just caught them in time.

Have got to get sleep back to an acceptable pattern.
It’s more than obvious that alcohol is of no use to me,
either as a relaxant or a means of getting drunk.
Expensive waste of time.

Bought some expensive exercise equipment should arrive within 5 to 7 days.
Looked good on TV, exercises most of larger muscles and can be used to give heart and muscles a good workout.

Thinking will stop smoking when pack is finished which should coincide with delivery of equipment so can start a fitness regime and combine with smoking cessation,
think 6 months should be seeing improvements.
It’s something that has to be done and I feel slightly confident I can do it.
I’ll be motivated to get money’s worth from gear and feel better for exercise and relief from smoking.
The equipment is compact and I expect that 30 minutes each day should produce results.

I was up last night three times, drinking milk and having a rollie, obviously not normal behaviour but not unusual for me,
after all the time belongs to me and I am free to use it as I see fit.

I have to stop feeling guilty for not following what is perceived as a normal days pattern of activities.

My mind is still flashing back to the events of the last 18 months.
My anger has subsided and now memory snippets help me to put in to place the smaller events that led to the breakdown.
Instead of remembering the bad parts and feeling depressed because of them I have to concentrate on the positive elements of my life.

I’ve given up the weed and am readying myself to give up the smoking altogether.

Being off Cannabis for two months or more hasn’t really affected me in as much as I feel no better or worse for doing it.
I suppose my mind is clearer and I should be functioning better because I’m not stoned for days on end.
I’ve achieved some of the goals I set myself,

I’m financially secure,
have adequate transport and am beginning to feel more positive about life in general.

I now have to impress upon myself the importance of tackling the two remaining problems, which are intertwined under the flag of health.

I remember asking the exercise consultant which would be the best piece of equipment to buy to help my heart, she was unable to pick out any single piece of equipment,
at the time I was thinking of buying a stepper.
I recently tried doing step ups on the stairs and felt the effects almost immediately, so I think this device which combines stepping with lateral movement will be sufficient.

I purchased the extras for exercising the arms and upper body so with wise use I should be able to target problem areas.
I’d been thinking of a winter project to occupy me and now I’ve found one to be getting along with.
If I combine exercise with learning from the help section on the p.c. I should be able to pass the time.
Perhaps some painting along the way will help relaxation;
I intend to research some modern art and try my hand at that and produce some canvasses to decorate the flat with.

Getting a few chest pains which serves as a warning that time to remedy my situation is running out!

Health has to be a priority, what is the good of saving money to provide for treats if I’m not well enough to enjoy same?

I’ve been in this place for a year now and it’s time to pull my life into focus by getting myself fit and passing time more constructively.

Usually my winter projects have a carrot on the end in as much as I set myself a goal,
Usually something tangible, which serves as a reward,
Hopefully I’ll get a sufficient buzz from feeling better.

Healthy body and mind are my goals for this year; the financial saving is merely a bonus.
I invested time and money into p.c. based projects and now I’ve invested in my health, which must be of greater importance,

(I’m trying hard to convince myself).

When I was poorly the previous winter, I experienced what I thought my future would hold,
I.e. partial paralysis and eyesight and mobility problems, I felt powerless to stop the fits, etc. but now I feel I can fight against the effects by helping my body to be able to overcome exhaustion and pain.

I have to approach with a positive attitude and hopefully I’ll succeed.

My attitude to living has to change,
I have to accept the position I find myself in;
look and realise the positive aspects and build on them.

To stop smoking will no doubt be the greatest thing I could do to make a difference,
it will also be the greatest challenge I’ve faced in my life.
Thirty-five years a smoker,

I’ve never known a time without cigarettes and therefore have never experienced fitness levels of a non-smoker.
I think I’ll be pleasantly surprised; hoping so.
Stop smoking, eat healthily and exercise- three goals.
Six months to achieve same.

BID TV CALLED, APPARENTLY I WAS SUCCESSFUL IN BIDDING FOR SPEAKERS. Delivery in 5-7-days.

Had a session with Microsoft interactive.
Useful practise.

Tried microwave porridge out for the first time and succeeded in creating an explosion of oats, luckily enough left to eat.

Received a phone call from a Pakistani trying to pressure me into spending £7 per. Week on Irish lottery!
Result of going on line and giving address out.
Made a veg and mince curry, stayed up till 12.30, went to bed tired.