7 th.february.

07/02/2007

Got up at two, looked down stairs expecting to see a quarter of an ounce which I’d given to neighbour a few days ago but no sign.
I went to shop and bought a pouch, when I returned the neighbour was near my door, I asked him if he was looking for me but he replied no.
I sat and rolled one up and realised that these people are not what I’m used to.
Definitely not candidates for lending money or baccy to.
I sat and considered getting washed and shaved and going for a pint but sat and counted my money instead, I’ve managed to save a couple of pounds up and therefore couldn’t see the point in wasting it on beer.
I finished my pint of tea and poured myself a whisky.
We have a light covering of ice and the day is cold, my room is cold and despite having the fire on is still cold.
I decided to pass an hour or so and then return to bed till 7, which is when I deem the TV to begin.
How to pass the time is the obvious problem; how to pass it without slipping into the easiest option which seems to be drink between the hours of 11 and five.
Listening to one guy, he drinks during the day in the club and often as not drinks till he falls asleep at home, when he wakes up he simply drinks more till he falls asleep again, the TV is never switched off so every time he regains consciousness he has something to watch.
True he does manage to feed himself but apart from that he does little else but drink his life away.
We were sat drinking and I said something along the lines that “”not everyone lived to drink as he did”, his reply was simple,
” we are all here, aren’t we?”.

I realised then that I didn’t belong and made a note to put in less appearances.
I had tried a couple of pints on an afternoon since my birthday;
my birthdays do tend to last from a couple of days previous to a few days after the event.
I may not be able to control my smoking but I’m sure as hell not going to slip back into the routine of daily drinking. Mainly because if I did I would no longer be able to save.
I am losing the impetus to do anything when I wake up, each day is a drudge, a boring task, filling in the hours till evening and ultimately bed time.
Why should I look forward to waking up, leaving a warm bed to sit and watch the sky grey over and feel the temperature plummet?
I really do hate the English winter time.
I suppose I could go to neighbours with a bottle and spend a couple of hours with them but would the gesture ever be returned?
I seriously doubt it.
One of the guys on the table described how his daughter had come round to see him and commented he seemed to be in a talkative mood,
he explained she was the first person he’d had the chance to talk to for over a week.
That is the kind of life which people living around here live, every one lives behind closed doors and seldom meet other people.
Quite often my conversation for the week consists of an hour or so spent with my parents each Sunday afternoon.
Today would have been ideal for having a joint and staying in bed but all I have is this bottle of whisky.
Surely any bottle which has lasted from Xmas till now should be given a decent funeral. I decided to drink freely and without guilt, wipe the day off the calendar.
I went to take my tablets today but cannot remember which are for which purpose, so therefore am unable to bring in the new regime of doubling my intake on the cholesterol ones.
Room is still cold despite fire having been on for an hour, perhaps the drink will warm me up a little.
I recall winter nights spent cod fishing on the end of the pier, coldness momentarily dispersed by drink of laced coffee from thermos.
I turn up the fire and glance outside, a few footprints remain on the white pathways, and by the look of the sky some more winter conditions may be on the way.
I drain my glass of whisky, ginger and lemonade and pour a refill, roll a rollie and continue, 4 in the afternoon; drinkers around the country will be thinking about having their last drinks and returning home to be fed and entertained by the small screen.
I switch on the desk lamp and continue to sit with keyboard on lap waiting for further inspiration.
I’ve been through my post, usual giro for tomorrow and letter explaining how to access the banks’ Internet site.
The fire begins to glow and the pot elements crackle as they heat up, the room begins to warm up. I hope there is sufficient credit on the gas supply.
If passing away the time is the problem, then why make it worse by rising early and adding extra hours onto the problem?
The sun is getting ready to disappear for the day so I’m glad I have some heat in the room before temperatures fall.
My life at the moment has no reason, no meaning and therefore I as a person feel no reason to exist in as much as I have no reason or purpose.
What could I try to make my life seem less boring?
I no longer enjoy socialising because I’m unable to drink like I used to and in truth don’t want to return to those days of drinking and picking up.
I could easily acquire female company; for a price, but have no need and no desire.
Opened diary up and chose wrong option, lost quite a bit of work.
Sat up till 2.a.m.