7 th.November.

7 November
Have had a good sleep, 12 hours solid, feel a bit queasy but o.k.
Tinnitus is loud today.
Am debating whether or not to go for test today,
Maybe better to leave till Thurs.
Will see how it goes, haven’t got a lot of life in me!
Which isn’t surprising.
When I was sat in pub yesterday I looked around at the number of middle-aged men who were sat, everyone without exception looked like a misfit,
Myself especially.
I met a couple I hadn’t seen for years, they told me they had taken up swimming as a way of combating old age;
They reminisced about characters in the old pub that had passed away.
I mentioned I’d tried to give up smoking,
Tam replied by asking "what the hell else was there to do when you’re sat bored doing nothing?",
He’s partly right; smoking is used to combat boredom;
Also as a way of relaxing when in unfamiliar surroundings.
And passing time away.

The first cigarette yesterday was almost as powerful as a joint!
It really took my head off; just the first one.
I had to stand outside the non-smoking pub and smoke it and felt weak at the knees.
I wobbled back to the comfort of the sofa.
Why three pints?
I didn’t enjoy the first one,
seldom do,
the second was better and the third would have seen me wanting more so I left and drove home carefully to the supermarket and bought the scotch.
I know drinking and driving is wrong but did it.
I enjoyed the bit of piss taking that the three of us got up to.
We always take the mick out of each other and one in particular when we get together.
When I used to drink daily I was part of a group of like-minded men,
Each having his own seat, which he generally occupied during certain hours.
The conversation was pretty much the same day after day;
routine would be interrupted by funerals or celebrations.

Problems were solved among ourselves and jobs taken on only after serious debate.
Each drank his own limit, 6 to 10 pints, and many drove home afterwards,
others caught the bus and I obviously had the luxury of only having a short walk home.
I should have realised all them years ago when the quality of entertainment began to decline in the clubs that drinking socially was on its way out.
Afternoon drinkers are the old crew hanging on to a defunct way of life.

I feel I have no part in it but am able to slip in and out at leisure,

I know in the back of my mind that I could all too easy return to that way of life.
Time is the enemy of the drinker; he chooses to pass the daylight hours drinking till time for a meal or short nap and then TV for the rest of the time till bedtime.

Killing time;

That’s what its all about.
We have too much and too little to do to occupy ourselves.
John drinks because he works shifts and like countless others relies on a few pints to allow him to sleep before going to work.
Others religiously come rain or shine drop in to their local to sink a few pints after work;
They see it as their reward for having toiled all day.
I must admit there were times when a few pints after a hard day in the garden were welcome but most of the time I was killing time.

John mentioned yesterday that the pint in his hand was rent for the seat he was occupying,
That is another form of drinking, normally associated with drinkers who flit between several establishments in an effort to find what they are looking for.

Some drinkers like the sound of their own voices and actively seek out captive audiences who are forced to listen to their exploits.
Generally the groups of men congregate to jaw over the news, gossip and discuss shopping or any number of life’s problems.
John and myself generally try to keep any discussion light hearted and will rip any story telling to bits if we have a mind to.
I used to like winding people up on purpose,
Often just to get a reaction but now I see no point in using up the effort for what is often an unsatisfactory result.

I examine the lemonade bottle and discover there isn’t enough left to accompany the amount of whisky remaining.
I could go out,
Probably will have to.
Passing time; that’s the problem,
finding something which will pass away the hours and give some degree of satisfaction.
I suppose my favourite method is to sleep as often and as long as I can,

It gives me a break from smoking and having to find something to do.
I could take advantage of the supermarkets cheap cans and drink at home but I get little effect or pleasure from filling my gut with fizzy lager, and often as not I end up vomiting,
I’ve left the drinking circle for so long now that my stomach will reject ale if it so wishes.
I got myself a bus pass thinking it would come in useful if I desired to go for a drink;
So far it remains unused.

I sit drinking coffee because I’ve run out of tea bags, only having Earl Grey left and the taste of that doesn’t mix with the taste in my mouth at the moment.
I suppose if I was rich there would be extra options to pass away the time, drugs, loose women, etc.
Alcohol still remains the socially acceptable poison.

The amount of scotch I need to induce sleep would soon make a dent in my pocket if I had to pay pub prices per shot,
Yet is within reason if I consume it at home by the bottle.

I make myself a coffee and put a nip of scotch in it, the smell reminds me of cold days spent fishing with only a flask of coffee laced with rum or whisky to keep me going.

Only been up an hour and a half and have had to put the light on to see the keyboard.
People who drink alone at home are often regarded as having a problem;
I realise it could easily become one but know I have the strength to leave it alone and give my body time to recover in between bouts.
Today my mood is glum, the darkening sky doesn’t’ help.

Having had a good sleep I’m loath to try returning to bed to while away the time, knowing full well at some time it will backfire on me and I’ll be waking up in the early hours with the same problem; killing time.
Coffee tastes nice and I feel warm inside despite having turned off heating in a subconscious effort to save money.
I live as cheaply as possible and try to balance out expenditure on luxuries such as Scotch with saving money in as many ways as possible.
I haven’t been to the shops for over a month yet still find sufficient to eat from the dwindling supplies in the cupboard and freezer.

The smooth Jazz channel is playing away in the background.
Somewhere along the way I lost patience;
at one time I had the patience to concentrate or simply to read for enjoyment.
I now have to live with an internally hectic mood.
My mind works at a speed that is too fast.
Perhaps my problems come from my mental condition,
I try all means to slow myself down; perhaps today is a bit of S.A.D. coming on.
Winter always depresses me.
Dark days, long hours.
Coffee tastes nice; cups of tea and coffee have replaced the several pints I used to consume each day.
I look at others drinking and usually try to figure out how much they spend each week on their habit.
Daily drinking has got to be a habit.
Some people will no doubt do themselves harm from adopting such a life style.
Others seem able to drink whatever amounts they like and not be affected.
One of the reasons I first began to cut down was the fact that after drinking the same amount each day I wasn’t getting any noticeable effect, but found if I left it alone for a while I could get a little drunk the next time I had a pint or two.
12 noon approaches and I can safely bet the regulars of the club will be wending their way to the club, to drink over priced cans of lager bought cheaply from the wholesaler.
I’ve read the mirror and gazette on line and to be honest nothing to float my boat.
Usual bonfire night news.

12:58 PM Am bored. Dog waffle, not bad.
Just had three rashers of tasty bacon,
It’s right what they say about Danish!
Served with half a large baked potato, put a little life into me.

I'd suggest getting involved in things that you enjoy,
things that promote a good sense of well-being.
Projects such as drawing, creative expression, re-arranging your house or apartment, exercise, learning a new language, building your vocabulary and spelling skills, reading good books, do things that uplift your thoughts, feelings, and spirit.

And be patient. Be very patient.

Be incredibly, unbelievably patient.
Some new hobbies take time, but little by little they will become part of you.
We often get so lost in our symptoms that we miss out on living life to its fullest.

We are born ignorant, and have to learn, we are then mis educated so we have to unlearn the bad things we leant and learn to look at things correctly.

Sat up till 2.30 watching films.