8 th.October.

8 October
Went to bed early yesterday,
woke up this a.m. at 2 a.m. and watched Crystal Ocean, which I enjoyed,
there must have been some form of a plan in my head but I wasn’t aware of anything definite.

I heard my throat croaking and crackling and was guilty at smoking.
Around five I became maudling and wanted to cry,

The tobacco would normally have been smoked by now but half remained!
I’m desperate to get rid of it.
I began to roll rollies up and got three finished; no more papers.
Only joint papers remain.
I smoked the three and am now smoking a king size rizzla,
have had several whiskies and am feeling partly drunk.
WHY?

I have to quit and if this is a way of doing it then so be it.
Give the body what it wants then begin the abstinence.

Today’s Sunday so no one will call or interrupt.

I’ve chosen this time to quit because this tobacco plus the whisky gives me heartburn so hopefully it’ll turn me off.
I’m not an alcoholic, not a dope smoker and hopefully after this morning not a tobacco smoker,
I’m really in the mood to quit.

Nose running, (only exercise my body gets!)

I feel like crying, but don’t know why.

Yesterday before I bought the whiskey I thought about buying Gin because for some reason that makes me cry,
I thought a good session might help me get rid of these feelings.
Perhaps it’s guilt at the way I live;

I am able to drink when I want and do things at times, which the “Normal” person would be asleep, or doing something, which has to be done at certain time.
I have the freedom to live as I choose but not the will power to make the most of it.
There is still enough baccy left to make me ill IF I SMOKE IT ALL.

Alcohol is a depressant,
I’m depressed because I’m trying to give up smoking and I already feel depressed for some unknown reason.

What am I doing? I feel like shit.

Cig goes out so I’ll roll another.
I’ve gone from a guy who rolls his baccy up twice to being someone who doesn’t give a fuck.
I need to get rid of it yet am unable to flush it down the pan.
No guts.

I’m sweating and feeling??? Terrible.

I try to regain control and slow down but am struggling.
This has to be the time I give up or else every past attempt will have been futile.
I’m on the brink of letting myself go,
I need to take control,

Typing is spot on even though I’ve had nearly a litre of whisky in two sessions,
Whisky is no problem can leave some and it won’t bother me,
Just have to get rid of tobacco.
Another one joint size.

Reset options.
Am pleased so far.

Ask any of the bums on seats and they will say a drink and a smoke is their favourite,
well I’m giving the body what is should want to and to an extent that it will rebel,
I’ll probably throw up before returning to bed.

Sky is just beginning to lighten, :55 AM
I roll myself a huge Bob Marley of a cigarette,

I’m feeling out of control.
I thought briefly that this may be a way of compensating for lack of cannabis but I think not.
I’m simply trying to get rid of baccy,

There’s a fist of whiskey which I’ll leave I intend to have a hot bath before retiring to bed,
and gradually wash everything which could smell of smoke.

I look at the sky and am weighted down with the responsibility that the approaching day will bring,

My typing is getting worse because of the reflection of the lamplight.
I’m approaching the end of my tether.

My clothes stink,
my skin is getting attacked,
my throat crackles,
I’m short of breath,
unfit, unable to walk up hill,
I associate smoking with drinking, which costs me money,
Excludes me from certain places,

I stub out enough baccy to make a rollie, was thinking of keeping what’s left just in case but now realise must get rid of it all …

So down the toilet it must go.

Cleanse my surroundings, and myself before it kills me.
Threw all dog ends and half an ounce down pan.
Stopped up till late and went to bed tired.
Dropped off to sleep almost immediately, not a good day!.