9 th.January.

09/01/2007
Woke up to be greeted by a sunny but windy day, felt like going back to bed immediately, but dressed, here I am.
Must have had a good sleep but unfortunately my back is giving some jip.
Can hardly straighten up.
I realise I’m slowly sliding back into the usual routine and will end up in same old rut.
With no more than a brush of the teeth and a quick wash I decide enough is enough.
Today is the last day.
I intend to smoke the remaining baccy and have a couple of drinks to pass the afternoon away.
Tomorrow, (Its always tomorrow), I’ll get back on track.
Its no use making plans for a future when I’m smoking my way back into a hospital bed.
I need to bring in the changes, make small alterations to life style and see what the result is.
My priority has to be to quit smoking;
I fear I may have left it too late by the sound of my throat and chest but I will give it a go.
As usual I find myself in a position in which the only person who can help is myself,
I intend to become a non-smoker before seeking help from G.P.
I half the whisky and make myself a tot and ginger.
Meditation music is relaxing me, the watery, weak sunlight is in my eyes but I am tolerating it, not wanting to plunge the room into darkness.
I am reluctant to restart my college work having lost the momentum, perhaps today would be a good day to choose, will see.
I have to finish the baccy and then realise that no matter what is thrown in my face, smoking will not ease the problem or indeed go anywhere towards finding a solution.
I try to open my learning account and am having trouble with password, something I’m not in the mood to cope with today, have tried to change it but am not receiving confirmation.
So much for making a fresh start.
Eventually got in and changed password.
Am not feeling too good, will be glad when today’s over with.
Went to shop for new batteries for mouse, milk and a bottle of strong cider.
At moment am struggling to drink a bottle of brown.
It’s going down but ever so slowly.
My heart seems to be thumping and I am short of breath.
I take a break to get heart spray.
A couple of sprays and no effect so must be o.k.
Study going o.k.
Am struggling to breath easily.
5: PM
Had enough, feeling? Tense, stomach full of acid, mouth watering with same, uncomfortable, shaky, yawning but cannot be tired.
Done first three modules of course work, no problems.
Sat up till eleven and went to bed feeling unwell, but slept.