9 th.November.

9 November
Had some hellish dreams last night, most revolved around near death experiences whilst working etc.
One was so vivid it woke me up and frightened me in as much as made me uneasy and I found it hard to return to sleep, most of dreams were of similar nature.

Woke up this morning to beautiful sunny day.

I now realise I must be frightened of taking this test because I’ve put it off for so long.
True last week I had an eye infection and was drinking heavily but today I feel in the mood to sit it and to get all the things I need to do, done.
I cashed sufficient money yesterday to pay for a big shop.
For some reason the woman I met in Spain was in my mind when I woke up and I again thought of going up to Scotland to see her, probably won’t but who knows.
I count the tab ends in the ashtray and they total 20 for yesterday,
add on another 5 for time in pub.

My chest was wheezing last night showing me I will have to redouble my efforts and try to stop again;
Cutting down is not the way or the answer.
Why should I be worried about a stupid test?
I know I could have sat the whole exam within a couple of weeks but have strung it out to over two months.
My self-confidence has been badly bruised and that’s why I think I’ve been loath to go to the Boro for the test, plus I lost interest quite quickly, the course wasn’t taxing enough.

My mood today is lifted by the bright sunshine and I feel better than I’ve done for weeks.
I feel positive.

Yesterday was a bit of a downer going into a pub and finding out they were having a wake there.
One little touch which I noticed was the landlady poured out a warm bottle of Newcastle and put it on the table with the eats; apparently the deceased chosen poison!
Being a Newcastle drinker I warmed to the gesture.

Having left when the first of the funeral goers arrived I cannot say if there was a good turn out.
I’m not a fan of funerals and try to avoid them if possible, however I do like the way the deceased local allows the wake to take place.

I sit and decide a bath today to celebrate feeling better.

The youngsters may drink the strong cider because of its price but I cannot fault them,
It hasn’t failed yet to give me a good sleep and the price is right, less than the price of two pints in the pub and twice as strong.
I’ll be able to open the windows up today while out and hopefully make the room smell a little sweeter; the smell of stale smoke was getting too permanent.

The idea of the diary grew out of a desire to keep a record of my course work;
it has grown into something much bigger.
A record of my moods and more.
I could have gone into more detail about the daily fluctuations in my condition but that would have meant concentrating on the negative aspects of each day and that in itself would have been counter productive.

I watched a program last night about fat people and their desperate attempts to lose weight.
One guy said his weight was a sign of his laziness,
Perhaps harsh but true,
I now intend to get some weight off and try to better myself.
I’ve eaten about 5 rollies since waking up, chain smoking.
If today had been dull and overcast, I’m sure I’d have found some excuse for not going for the test.
I must suffer from S.A.D. syndrome.

So as well as combating highs and lows of bp condition I have to cope with mood swings governed by weather!
My struggle at the moment is with myself internally;
The feeling that everything has to be done and quick;
My thoughts rush around and get mixed up in process.
It takes quite an effort to slow things down to an acceptable pace.
I know others suffer the same.

Went to Boro, sat test, also got driving mirror to stay in right position!
(I’ve been using a stick on one since proper one fell off one day.)

Went to club and had a couple, came home shopping stored away, should last for a while.
Treated myself to a mini deep fat fryer.
Chips again!
Don’t know why I was afraid of test was simplicity itself, not what I’m used to.
Place is warm and I’m enjoying myself, going to have a couple of drinks and see what happens.