April 2 nd.

02/04/2007
10:25
Had a lovely Sunday dinner yesterday. Topside done to perfection!
Soak in bath and home to club for a couple of beers; not a lot going on in club, as usual, so home for an afternoon in front of TV. Third or fourth time I’ve had a couple of beers without the usual accompanying cigarettes, am getting used to it.
Home made apple pie, glass of scotch; comedy central to keep me entertained, not a bad night’s viewing.
Peculiar dream theme, started off as simple web browsing then became more defined search and ended up as quite an enlightening and rewarding system of searching by refining the results each time. Dream seemed to last all night.
Possible insight into Google’s masterplan.
Am sat this morning yawning my head off, probably due to the effects of the central heating.
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xiwd9_benny-hill This is just one of a series of vids by this talented guitarist.
Two convicted murderers are among 13 escapees from a prison in Sudbury, Derbyshire, in recent months.
But most of the men, including the murderers, are still at large because …..police won't release their photos,
since that could breach their human rights! So Joe pubic is again at risk in case the rights of criminals are infringed.

Dealing with emotional highs and lows is an experience common to all people. Bi-polars especially.
We generally accept our emotions as beyond our control. They are powerful and mysterious and appear quite irrational.
But if we contemplate our emotions, if we explore the inner workings of our minds,we find that like all things, emotions obey the law of cause and effect.
Armed with this knowledge, we can continue to allow our emotions to dominate our lives, or we can use them to our benefit.
Don’t be surprised by a loss of motivation and don’t be disappointed by it. Understand it as natural effect of the human mind, and utilize this knowledge of self to make your emotions work for you.
I realised I’d slipped into a self made routine. A couple of years ago my life was busy, very busy indeed and to cap it all I was involved in a long term relationship which had been dead for a long time. I broke away from the situation by jettisoning almost everything in my life at the time and moving to a new location to live on my own with the minimum of worldly possessions.
I surrounded myself with only what was necessary to live. I reduced stress to a manageable level and set about creating a new routine.
Routines are based on habit and habit is whatever makes us comfortable.
But bad habits are all too often overlooked when they become part of a comfortable routine or acceptable lifestyle. I realised my social drinking was simply the remnants of a habit I’d picked up some thirty years ago.
I now regard drinking socially as a rip off, a waste of money and effort. I no longer want to gauge a day or night’s drinking by the force of the accompanying hangover.
Don’t get me wrong if I want a drink I’ll quite happily have one at home, safe in my surroundings whilst watching TV, listening to music, of enjoying a meal perhaps.
The worst part of my routine was the time devoted to smoking cigarettes; my mind associated smoking with so many daily activities that the practise was knitted into the fabric of my daily existence.
No-one told me to stop smoking, although plenty of people had tried in the past to persuade me of the side effects. I decided to stop smoking when I realised my health was deteriating. My throat and chest were showing signs of damage and that damage was undoubtedly caused by the inhalation of smoke.
I had a dilemma, as well as smoking cigarettes I smoked cannabis. Why?
I have used cannabis for thirty years as a relaxant and an effective pain killer, these last twenty years I substituted social drinking for cannabis smoking, but now I had decided to quit smoking and that of course meant all smoking.
I firstly had to stop relying on the daily intake of cannabis and cut it’s use down to perhaps once a week and then later to once every couple of weeks.
Cannabis had then to be seen as a treat, no longer a daily habit; part of a lifestyle ruled by the majority of the waking hours being stoned.
The fluctuation in the quality and the unreliability of the supply helped me to gradually see what an idiot I’d been to spend good money on something as hit and miss ( reward aspect ) as dope. I eventually after about ten months resigned myself to the fact that street cannabis no longer supplied what I was after.
I then was free to investigate the other aspects of my daily life. My routine was indeed woven around my smoking of tobacco. From the moment I opened my eyes in the morning to the last few minutes before retiring at night smoking was ruling my actions.
I tried for months to cut down, hoping to reach a point when I could stop. All the time I’m trying to stop my health is getting( in my opinion ) steadily worse.
As I said routine brings comfort, thus providing security and possibly a sense of worth.
Obvious bad habits such as smoking are easy to spot in ones daily life. I had to recognise which cigarettes were the most important to me; not an easy task when one seemingly enjoys all the smokes of the day and night.
I tried to stop these so called powerful connections between actions and smoking, i.e. first cup of tea of the day and three rollies, several definite associations between actions and smoking, obviously the most powerful was drinking and smoking. I was lucky I’d all but given up drinking so I’d managed to break the first hurdle.
I took up computing again in an attempt to give myself something to keep me occupied; I was occupied all right but still smoking while typing so what was the use?
I finally decided that I’d wasted enough time trying to quit and sought help.
I now am on a course of tablets which seemingly is helping me, although I still think of smoking, yet know it no longer holds any enjoyment,(did it ever?).
My keeping a blog was primarily a means of recording my successes and failures while giving up the drink, the weed and Nicotine, in that order.
I sometimes wonder if I haven’t substituted another bad habit, Blogging, for smoking, obviously less harmful but none the less time consuming and addictive.
I use the word addictive perhaps wrongly, I have never struggled so hard in my life to give anything up as I have done this past year to give up Nicotine and thus break a powerful addiction.
Perhaps Blogging isn’t addictive but it sure is part of something which I’ve come to rely on to pass away the daylight hours.
It’s not the bogging that takes the time it’s the computer use in trawling the web each day, often forsaking the original intention of self help by online learning.
On most days recently my study is given a back seat, often ignored completely as I spend several hours each day on the computer simply trawling sites.
I stumble across interesting sites; have respect for good looking sites and obviously find enough interesting material to keep me intrigued for the best part of the day.
Why then do I now consider I may have inadvertently introduced another bad habit into my life?
Well, firstly because of the fact that I have been neglecting my course work. It doesn’t mean that much to me, in fact the certificates or whatever I pick up along the way hold no value whatsoever. But I did choose to begin the course of study and therefore will endeavour to finish. Hopefully sooner than later.
In truth I could have had the whole course finished in a matter of a couple of months but that would have meant an unacceptable rigidity in my routine and therefore didn’t happen.
The course work was primarily something to keep me occupied during the Winter months and help me to stop smoking .
I now sit nearly two stone overweight; Spring is showing signs of rebirth everywhere and I’m in front of a monitor.
I will have to be careful I do not miss the changing of the seasons and become lazy and house bound with only my computer to help pass the time.
Probable reason why I feel a little deflated today, I should be outside enjoying the rare sunshine; I also should have spent the last four hours studying instead of viewing web pages; I should have been able to write something for the Blog which may inspire others.
In short I could have stayed in bed and the day wouldn’t have been changed in any way.
There was a time when I would strive to achieve something, however small, each day. I then found it harder to discern what that something had been, struggling as I was to find something positive about a day “wasted” on the computer.
I could retaliate and consider that most of the people I know will be satisfied with completing a crossword today.
I would have liked to have had a walk; done some studying; spent time surfing; listened to music; passed the time purposefully gaining some form of reward.
Perhaps that is my reward today,
I have convinced myself that my daily routine is in need of upholstery and extra activities have to be considered before the once good habits become bad habits.
I pause for a piss and fill up my specimen bottle in readiness for my trip to the health clinic this afternoon.
The smoking ban came into force in Wales at 06:00 BST this morning with lighting up now prohibited in all enclosed public places.Fines of £50 will be handed out on those who smoke in most public premises including restaurants, pubs, bars and shopping centres, with smoking rooms in offices also being banned.
The ban is to be extended to Northern Ireland on April 30th and England on July 1st following the Scots ban which came into came into force in March 2006.
I could murder a smoke now! I cannot understand why at particular times of the day I have a sensation that I could “enjoy” a smoke at that time. I know in my mind there is no factor of enjoyment involved anymore, so why do I still think of cigarettes?
The Nicotine has long left my blood stream and I am not relying on patches, lozenges or inhalers to put nicotine back into my body; so why the desire?
Perhaps there’s a reason why my studying has declined; Nicotine helps concentration, in fact Nicotine in its purest form is quite beneficial to the body and the brain especially.
I venture out.
Went to clinic and met my heart nurse who will be checking me over once a year. She read through my results and took my pulse, chatted about medication and was delighted when I told her I was packing in the cigarettes. All in all the figures were acceptable with the exception of the cholesterol which could be lower and will probably fall now the medication has been doubled.
I called into the club and sat with company of three, two of which were annoyed because there hadn’t been a baccy drop this week. I bought a half ounce and shared it out between them, taking a rollie from each I had a couple of cans but I don’t enjoy drinking with people who are obviously skint so I came home.
Was a little annoyed at having had the smokes but didn’t chastise myself too much; watched TV and bed for 11.30.