29 th May.

29/05/2007

12:24, just crawled out of bed, took a Zyprexa last night and was rewarded with a good solid 12 hours sleep, very restful, feel a lot better for it.
Today is grey, damp and overcast so going to concentrate upon getting flat tidy may do some washing etc. leaving me free for rest of week to get ready for hols.

My tutor starts her hols today and by the lack of correspondence she has opted to leave my assignments till her return, I don’t blame her. My course work has been completed in only two days concentrated effort so therefore I’m pleased, I’ll have all the time in the world to go over it when I return.

Had a good night’s viewing last night, watched my usual selection then happened upon a couple of half decent films. (Spin). Had a tip about completing words etc automatically by pressing enter, I’m unsure what that means but will try it out later.

Am feeling noticeably better today, could be combination of bath and good sleep, the 12 hours has given the old chest a break from smoking which has probably helped as well.

Have had a look at the ten-day forecast for Skeggie and although the weather isn’t dramatic is only forecasts the odd scattered shower, mostly sunny. Ideal weather for fishing, if I was to buy another brolly, may just use my time to do some walking, shopping and drinking.

The pepper plant I was given is covered in flowers and young chillies, looks like I will get a good crop just hope the plant will be o.k. for the week I’m away, will give it a good soak before I leave and put it on a window sill which only gets the early morning sun so it shouldn’t dry out.

Going to have a relaxed slow day, just potter about and do all the things which should have been done in the last few weeks, get the place tidy so when I return I’ll have nothing to do, may even get myself off for a few days some where else, do a little touring. Haven’t done much motoring this year so the week’s trip may give me the incentive to get out and about.

The weather has done the garden some good; downside is some of the old lawn grass is making a re-appearance, so there will be plenty of weeding for me to do upon my return, such is life.

I prepare my last “ breakfast” rollie and wonder why when I get up and there is nothing pressing for me to do the time seems to drag yet when like today I awake and have a head full of tasks to do the time seems to fly by before I have even started?

Used to be the same when I was working, I’d get up early but always ended up in a rush to get to work on time; just seemed to fly by while I was trying to enjoy my cuppa and rollies. When I got to work however the time would slow right down and unless I was fully engrossed in a task the day would drag by intolerably slowly.
Thank god for flexi time, I’d take my time on the morning, avaoid the early morning traffic hold ups by going in a little later or earlier than most and often would choose to stay behind after the normal working day and do a couple of extra hours to avoid the traffic snarl ups, often resulting in extra days off by the end of the month.
I remember the boss checking my time sheet one month and giving me three days off because of the accruement of the few extra hours worked each week.
Wasn’t east trying to do a full week and then college classes on the night time but it kept me busy and I liked that.

I slipped ever so easy into the routine and never realised I was in fact living to work, wasn’t until I was dismissed that I realised how deep I’d been in the above. I swore then I would never let a job have such a hold on me, but also realised that was the only way I could get satisfaction from any job; to immerse myself with every fibre of my body was the only way I could get the time to pass without noticing.
I was a sad bunny and no mistake.

I now sit here, the best part of an hour has passed since rising, head full of jumbled ideas for things I should get done today yet still not motivated enough to start. That has always been my problem.

I put on the meditation sounds to provide a subtle background to any future activities and make a concentrated effort to….slow down.

After all I AM my own boss now.
Since my “episode” which led to me being diagnosed as Bi-polar I realise that having a head full of different thought and ideas is not always good.
I take the Zyprexa on occasional nights not to control any mood swings I may feel I’m experiencing but simply to get a good night’s sleep, free from disturbance from thought.
During the waking hours I have to learn to control my brain activity and get myself mentally focused. True I bang on about meditation methods and self hypnosis but in truth that is what I use to calm down, slow down the thought processes giving time for the thoughts to assemble themselves into order and therefore enabling me to deal with them accordingly in order and in a relaxed frame of mind.
I hear people talk about someone being laid back and in truth I presumed the majority of my life has been laid back,( if only going by the amount of weed I’ve consumed over the years).
Now I’m able to live the style, invoking relaxation almost daily onto my routine.
A lot of people throw themselves into tasks at hand then take time out for a break, that isn’t the way to do it. In my opinion the initial state of mind is more important. How many times has someone said I did whatever but wasn’t really in the mood.
I concentrate on being in the mood prior to doing something and for the majority of the time I do so much better than if I hadn’t been prepared.
Obviously this train of self-discipline hasn’t got a place in the daily routine of most working environments but in my daily life it is allowed and so far has suited me.
The easy way out would be to take the medication daily and let the time slip by like some rabbit with mixie but I’ve been there, got the t shirt and it isn’t for me.
Don’t get me wrong I sympathise with anyone who has to rely on daily medication but I found that one of my greatest fears while in my episodes was that I no longer had control of myself and so I escaped from the mind numbing meds as soon as I felt able to.

Doctors and care workers tried to “scare” me with the so called facts that people who refuse to take the meds are highly likely to lapse into further periods of erratic behaviour and feel emotional turmoil as a result.
I however get satisfaction from each and every day being med free.
I draw a distinction between taking meds occasionally, as I do at night and people who take the same meds when they awake. The latter allow themselves to be controlled almost to the point of becoming a zombie during the waking hours and as a consequence experience lots of different emotions.
One of the top emotions is a feeling that life and themselves in particular is useless this leads to thoughts that they are to blame for leading such a useless and unproductive existence, hence depression which is worst cases leads to suicidal ideas.

The brain needs to be stimulated to recognise its own existence and worth.

I thought of the “ model” as follows; when I smoke weed the brain receptors in that particular pleasure zone are stimulated and the result is the high.
When I try to increase the high I’m often disappointed, reason being I presume is that the firewall, (the protective sheath), around the receptors blocks any further
Stimulation, a simple self-defence mechanism of the body.
When I went through my mental breakdown,( which is what I call my episode), my brain was being over stimulated, I felt alive, very productive and high.
Unfortunately the majority of this action took place when I should have been asleep, hence my request to the doctor for “something to switch me off at night time).
Thus my brain was subjected to constant stimulation 24/7 it never had time to recuperate.
Over stimulation leads to a deadening sensation and so during the waking hours when rational thought should be present there was none of the usual daily stimulation which gives us proof of living.
That sounds deep but in simple terms it means we were no longer experiencing the normal, if I dare use that term, reassuring stimulus, which makes us feel alive and therefore worthwhile.
If when awake one doesn’t feel this worthwhile stimulus then naturally one thinks that life and our being is obviously worthless.
The brain has been worn out during the nighttime and can no longer be stimulated during the waking hours, which leads to thoughts of negative nature, which then leads on to depression.
Simple scenario; a guy takes Viagra and is chuffed to bits with the seemingly everlasting erection and puts it to good use, after a few hours constant use the penis becomes numb and even though it is more than able to continue to go through the motions of having sex it no longer provides the enjoyment of being stimulated it is no more sensitive than any shop bought dildo.

I make a mental note NOT to read through this guff.

What caused my breakdown?

Over stimulation of the brain, from my attempts to slake my thirst for knowledge by excessive use of computer.
My reliance upon energy drinks to allow excessively long periods of study.
Lack of sleep; only sleeping when forced to by body collapsing, from exhaustion.
Inability to stop activity in brain, even when collapsed from above.
Over use of Cannabis to fuel long periods of study.

All of the above led to mental and physical exhaustion but the buzz I was getting from my by then acceptable routine was enough to keep me going.

For years man has tried to make a computer work like a human brain and here was I making my brain act like a computer, taking in so many facts and pursuing so many different avenues, storing everything then trying to make sense and order from the chaotic amount of data.
When asleep from exhaustion the brain continued to try and make sense of everything, often succeeding in solving problems, some of which had plagued me for days.
But when awake the problems had to be solved logically and in truth a lot of the data could not be treated in that way and therefore remained in an ever increasingly cluttered mind.
When I was sectioned I told the medical staff that “ all I needed was time to defrag my brain”, and indeed that is what I did.
In doing so every aspect of my life came under the microscope and I made dramatic changes.
I cut off ties with people I had known, broke away from relationships, left my home which I had spent countless hours and money on surrounding myself with, got rid of possessions which I saw as excess baggage, paring my lifestyle down to the bone.
I did all that but only after recovering from the sectioning and the meds given to me at the time.
The initial medication completely switched my brain off for a while which made me at first doubt my sanity and caused a flood of emotions to rise.
I was a zombie for a while but that time allowed me to sleep and my brain recovered, slowly at first but then I stopped being afraid of the hospital, forgot about the stigma associated with being diagnosed as having mental problems and began to think for myself about myself and my present circumstances.
Earlier on in my blog I make light of my time in hospital, that was how I coped, I made light of the situation my seeing the humour when it occurred in the daily routine etc.
I never made light of any of the other” patients” I simply became self centered and concentrated upon my own predicament.
True I used Cannabis while I was a resident but that was me trying to get back to normality, a means of passing the time, an aid to me keeping focused inside my own little bubble.
I was fortunate; I succeeded in clearing the debris from my mind and in doing so began to recover.
Why am I now, a year after the event still writing about it?
Because the more I understand, try to make sense of it all the more it fades into insignificance.
It was a major traumatic time in my life, I was frightened, angry, confused and many more emotions but now I’ve written it out of my life and the more I succeed in doing that the easier my future becomes and the more confident I become of being able to handle my future.
I have written a lot since getting the computer but I also wrote a lot down on paper prior to acquiring same, the paper work will no doubt be in the same jumbled style but tells more of the emotional side of the episode.
One day I’ll re read the paper material but it isn’t that important to me.
The blog isn’t important as an entity it is simply a means of emptying my mind allowing a more productive use of the remaining grey cells. (Hopefully!).

I make no apologies when I say that some of the beepers I met online seem to relish their situations, they immerse them selves in the condition.
(I realise I open myself to attack by saying that). But some do!
Being on medication and therefore partly sedated or having their brain activity controlled stops them from escaping from the hold the condition undoubtedly has on them.
I will say no more about fellow “sufferers” because I realised each one is different and therefore because of the complexity of each individuals’ circumstances and the uniqueness of same no one person can give meaningful advice to others hence the tendency to merely comfort each other.

Each individual can only recount his or her own experiences and when I tried I was politely asked to leave and stuff my shite site up my arse, so I did.

!2 months ago any such request would have had an effect on me, possibly thrown me into the depths of despair but now I simply shrugged my shoulders and wiped the site from favourites.

I did however get an insight into the vast range of medication and treatment that was available to beepers around the world and the reliance of sufferers on same. I also witnessed first hand the effect of some of these meds on the residents of the hospital and the chaos that arose from any alteration to routine dispensing of meds etc.
So instead of doing my daily chores I’ve chosen to spend a couple of hours writing down the thoughts that were obviously present in my mind.

Did I need to write them down?
Did I feel a compulsion to do so? Or am I simply emptying my mind of any unnecessary clutter?

I enjoy writing and if I concentrate upon a theme such as this it serves as a way of self-diagnosis, helps me to realise I am, once again in control of my thoughts and emotions and therefore continuing along a path which will give positive feelings of well being.
When I was asked to leave the site my Buddhist approach to thinking was criticised. I have never been religious, although I did provide the music for many a service for several years yet remained untouched by the teachings.
I slipped into reading Buddhist like thoughts unknowingly and adopted some because I found relevance in the words which is more than can be said from doorstep visits from other religious groups or the preaching of the adults in some of the services I used to accompany on the piano.

How do I feel today? In one word.

Relaxed.
Put a new picture into blog heading, pleased with it, except it renders words unreadable but hell does it really matter?
Its not very often I feel like I do today without having a joint, perhaps learning to relax oneself and take the time out to do so is rewarding.
I remember when in hospital a woman came into the music room and asked if I could possibly stop playing the keyboards and take part in some relaxation, I of course agreed and together with another volunteer I laid on the floor and listened to her voice as she gave instruction.
My back began to hurt and the thin mat reminded me of uncomfortable nights at the biker’s rally trying to catch some sleep so I sat up and began stretching exercises for a while then resumed the prone position all the while listening to her instructions.
Her commands were very similar to levitation inducing commands I had used on others some thirty years previous and so I had an idea what she was going to say and allowed myself to relax deeply strengthening her suggestions by commanding myself with similar suggestions.

We had a brief discussion afterwards about out of body experiences, her chosen question I add, and I talked with her for a while and told her I’d used similar methods for decades now, I also added that I’d taught a couple of the patients how to adopt a meditative position and tried to teach them how to relax themselves through thought and been successful with one in particular who was hyper. So successful that some of the staff had been very surprised at seeing him sat crossed legged for over an hour, eyes closed and completely quiet.

The world is a noisy place and the mind of a disturbed person can be equally if not noisier so anything, which can help calm the turmoil and grant even the briefest of tranquillity, is a blessing.

To return briefly to the above-mentioned patient.
When he decided it was time to re-emerge he thanked me, told me how he felt and praised me for what I’d done.
I then sat and explained I had in fact done nothing more than watch over him while he sat quietly, I had suggested a couple of ideas while he had been sat but nothing more.
I told him it was something he could do anytime he just had to make the effort and practise he assured me he would but when I got to know him more, met his wife and learnt more about his home situation I doubted if he would continue the practise.
Was a shame really because he was a gifted artist he could draw a true to life representation of a plant and had an liking for modern art.
Apparently he had been an art student but never continued after he’d wed.
Such a shame.

There was another regular resident, who drew, drew very well, caricatures.
He played guitar and wrote poetry as well.
I “corrected” some of his verse, “put a little more meat on the bones”, as I described my actions and he took the corrections to heart, thanked me for my interjections no adverse reaction at all; surely not the reaction of a beeper?

Another of the patients was in fact a young nursing student….
From another mental hospital up the road, I wonder if the time spent as a patient helped him become a better-equipped carer?
I realise now that some of the staff had to remain distant to be efficient in their jobs but there were a couple who went the extra mile and connected with patients in their care and I wish them all the luck in the world.

I feel like there is a lot more to write about the stay in hospital and the staff and patients I met but I stop myself and return to thoughts of what I had originally planned to do today.
I’ve also noticed a steady stream of bodies in the area so looks like another shipment of gear has arrived, I’m planning to purchase some for the hols.
More exercise than I’ve had since doing the garden!
I’ve made a small pile of ironing,( survivors of the wash), hung my only remaining comfortable pair of jeans on the curtain rail to dry along with the towels.
Sufficient socks washed to last me the forthcoming week; am really getting organised.
Place looks different now it’s clean and tidy and that pleases me.
To achieve something each day gives me satisfaction and brings meaning into what is ostensibly a boring existence.
I now plan to keep the washer going for another couple of hours while I settle down to a couple of hours viewing my soaps.
Bedding is next, will as usual look forward to slipping between clean sheets when they are dry tomorrow night.
Am seriously thinking of treating myself to a sat nav. For the car and doing some touring when I return from this break after getting the grass from out of the flower garden.
Such grand plans!
Isn’t that what life is about? Making plans for a future.
Someone said, “ anyone with a garden has a future”.