9 th. May.

09 May 2007
Up at eight and on p.c. by nine; completed both tests within the 45 minute time which isn’t bad considering I didn’t have a print out of questions and had to keep switching between exam sheet and question sheet.
Nice feeling of achievement, just a little revision and should be ready for main exam next week.
Weather was promising when I first got up, sunshine and clear sky but now the white cloud has come over;
I’m still waiting for the promised rain.

Didn’t actually manage to get to bed yesterday, I watched an hour or so of TV then did some Stumbling till 11p.m. and went to bed pleasantly tired.

O.k. looking back over the week I shouldn’t be smoking but I enjoyed the relaxation of the quarter of dope and indeed had two good days.
Yesterday was predominantly writing but hell that was what I felt like doing and happiness is being able to choose what you fill your day with.
Had very little to eat, been too busy; had a quick snack last night before retiring.

Am in a relaxed mood today, have got confidence I can pass exam, place is tidy and only chore that needs doing is to water garden and I’m hoping for a little assistance from the heavens before the day finishes, if not I’ll water when cooler at tea time.
Plants are starting to stand up and the majority are looking healthy, I still cannot decide if the marks in the compost are from cat activity or from birds taking a dust bath, either way not much damage has been done.
I have successfully turned a plot of ugly unkept grass into the makings of a nice flower garden; the front looks a lot smarter and tidy.

Would be a good day for a drive or trip to the club but I’m saving up for holidays and besides I have drink in the flat if I want one and the way I feel I will probably partake.

I have enjoyed my Bank holiday festivities.
I have to get myself back on track, finish the baccy and keep off it again to allow chest and throat to recover.
Don’t feel guilty about having dope it provided me with more enjoyment than the equivalent cost of drink, didn’t involve going out, driving or spending time bored in company of hop heads.
Pothead versus hop heads no contest!

So this week I’ve finished off the first stages of the garden,
Tidied up the humble abode,
Almost finished section of course work,
Kept away from the club, enjoyed a drink and smoke at home,
Listened to some interesting sounds, communicated with a couple of fellow beepers, (Bi-polars).
Watched some good comedy and seen a decent drama or two with Polly and Fry, watched some interesting films on You tube and generally stopped myself from being bored;
I’ve been occupied.
And that in a nutshell is the battle many of us have, a daily battle to fill in the hours in an acceptable and enjoyable way before retiring to bed for a pleasant sleep.

Did learn yesterday that beepers who are stressed out are more likely to have lucid dreams, which are often disturbing, and in most cases these dream periods are far longer than normal. The brain is over stimulated during these periods and is often “exhausted” after such periods, which leads to the inability to perform the next morning.

People need the stimulus of the brain activity to make living feel worthwhile,
hence the propensity of beepers to feel depressed, to feel life isn’t worth living; this feeling is due to the inability of the brain to keep firing after an exhausting session of dream sleep.
The above is not very well put but explains why even after a longer than normal period of rest one can still feel tired and deflated the following morning.

I’ve obviously had a good period of rest having woken up feeling fine and been able to get into studying immediately after waking.
The clouds are building thicker and becoming darker grey, I hope the rain is to follow; we were promised substantial downpours but so far, nothing of note.
10.30 and in truth I’ve done all I need to do for today apart from going into the village for tablets, I’ve found a couple in my wallet so that chore can be put off till tomorrow.

I think I may indulge in a couple of drinks and perhaps some time in bed listening to sounds; true not the most energetic of plans and it may seem to be a waste of a May day but it will do me.

I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
Nobody in this universe controls you; you control the force within you,
Never let go of that belief.
You do not need anybody or anything to allow you to live your own life,
Live it for yourself, help, and allow others to live theirs.
Change life style and daily patterns as many times as you need until you find a path you love and are willing to work on.
Believe in yourself, but your opinion is worth nothing, everybody’s opinion is similarly worth nothing.
Work on believing in yourself and work on letting go of needing others to believe in you.
As soon as you start believing in yourself other people will start believing in you, but let go of needing their belief.
Life can be hard and it takes guts to make the decision to change your life,
But you can change it.
Know what you want, be careful what you wish for and know the steps you have to take and then change it.

I wasted a lot of my life trying to gain respect and acknowledgement from others for myself as a person.
I then realised.
I was one of the smallest fish in the pond;
I was still swimming while others had yachts to cruise around the pond.
The answer?
Build my own pond, in which I felt secure and free.
How could I expect respect or recognition for p.c. based study from parents who still pined for black and white TV and peers who’s only grasp of technology was to send a text on a mobile phone?
Or use a remote control.

I have been freshwater angling for most of my life but have recently sought out ponds where I understand the species;
I now see people and acquaintances as same.

I would love to interact with people on the same wavelength but my chosen lifestyle of the moment doesn’t allow me to interact with anyone of the same ilk, let alone find a female of the species who would be remotely interested.

My parents have reached a respectable age, mainly because they have avoided excess in drinking and never subjected their vital organs to damage from smoke inhalation.
I haven’t been so careful in my past, have used and abused chemicals, alcohol, and whatever nature had to offer, but in all fairness I have reached an age I never thought I would.
My future may be uncertain to say the least but I refuse to simply call it a day and conform to the norm.
I have made changes in the past; dissolved relationship after relationship, moved house numerous times and each time have started afresh.

The difference being this time I did it on purpose, all the changes made in the last 18 months were made on purpose and with one end in sight; to regain control and be myself for a while.

Everyone has inner strengths and abilities, which if given the chance can surface and often surprise the owner.

Harvest valley cider, from Netto; thoroughly recommend it, pours flat, not too strong a taste even though it is classed as strong cider, pleasant refreshing taste.
What more can you wish for? And the price is right.

I waffle on aimlessly in an attempt to pass a little time while the breeze from the open window cools the room down.
The council has been round and strimmed the next garden to mine, so the front it looking much smarter now.
Smell of cut grass may not be as pleasing as the smell of it slowly burning but hell can’t have everything.
Clouds keep forming then defragging into less severe formations, all the time taking away the possibility of a downpour.
I look at the clock and decide it is too early to take an afternoon nap, but the idea is on the cards.

I kid you not, the radio station, chill out vibes has just struck up a rendering of happy birthday and then informed me of the increase in Royalty payments which may cause the closure of some of the best stations (in my opinion).

I pour myself a vodka lemon top, consider the problem for a moment and then forget it.

Do not dwell on problems for too long,
never worry about what may or may not happen in the future;
don’t thrash yourself about what may have happened in the past.
We all learn, well most of us do, by our past mistakes so like me just keep making a few more mistakes until you learn to get it right.

Who would want or expect perfection?

Hell if all the females expected perfection no one would ever get wed.

Just had a phone call from my parents, my mother has passed her tests and is to admitted on Monday for a knee replacement, I hope to whatever power exists that all goes well and she can be relieved of the pain she has had to bear these last few years.

They have both reached a fair old age, pa is75 and has had two new knees in last three years and my Aunties has just had hers done last week, this week is ma’s turn and she deserves it.
My wish is that they will be well enough to take up ballroom dancing again, something they both enjoyed years ago; who knows may come true.