14 th July.

Saturday, 14 July 2007
Woke up at 9 to a sunny, breezy morning, quite pleasant, as I drove to the shop for milk and baccy.
There was a faint voice in the back of my head telling me I could in fact do without the smoke; it disappeared as I entered the shop.
I did however feel I could have done so perhaps the Zyban tablets are having an effect.
No matter; I’ve bought it now so will be smoking for the weekend.

Another drugs bust in the area, cocaine worth £70,000 found, looks like charley is making friends among the residents of this area, not too surprising considering its low price and regular availability. Was only a couple of weeks ago a London dealer was caught having regularly travelled to Teesside to sell Class A.

I smoked my second rollie and did not enjoy it at all, another sign the Zyban is kicking in.
I think I may be in with a chance this time to quit.

Weather has changed; sky had greyed over and looks like we will be getting even more rain.
Bit of a shame because it has caused several outdoor events to be cancelled and there is another one planned for tomorrow, an open-air concert in Middlesbrough.

Went to see the old man in hospital yesterday and he was chirpy.
His surgeon had returned from his holidays and lost no time in checking in and telling the old man that if all went well he would be due for surgery on Tuesday.
So, father has to once again get himself prepared, mentally for the op.

Hope all does go well because I am getting just a little bit sick of travelling to and fro each day.
In a way it has done some good, I get a four hour break from smoking each day at a time when I would be smoking the most, i.e. mid afternoon.
I do however tend to make up for it by smoking quite a lot when I return home.
Today is Saturday, shit night’s viewing on TV so may have a couple of beers when I return and have an early night; with a bit of luck the wind will dry the garden out a little and I will be able to finish off the weeding tomorrow morning.
I regret buying the baccy but am not going to beat myself up about it because I have a feeling in my stomach that is not the usual nicotine craving it feels more like I am in control.
There is no need to smoke to satisfy cravings; I’m smoking because I choose to, no other reason, so therefore I am able to smoke less hopefully.
The cravings have abated; is a shorter version to describe what I feel.

The flat is in a mess; a week’s worth of washing up awaits attention as does the spots of jam which I dropped on the carpet the other night.
There is at least a carrier bag of rubbish on the floor next to the chair.
I had managed for three days to avoid walking on them but a neighbour called last night, took his boots off at the front door, and paddled barefoot to the front room.
He was incoherent, have no idea what he was on so I told him to return when he was straight.
He has paddled in the jam and spread it around the carpet!
I have a pile of dirty clothes to wash and I still need to unpack from the holiday.

Normally I’d just sit here and smoke till time for visiting but today I have the energy to get stuck in, so a couple of hour’s work and the place should be ship shape again.

Living in such a small flat one would assume that it would be easy to keep tidy and clean with minimum daily effort but that isn’t the case, the majority of single guys live in what can only be described as squalor most of he time.
They do however expect comment when they have made the effort but these occasions are few and far between.
I tend to leave things alone until I reach the limit of my personal intolerance.
Weekends have traditionally been the time for my tidy ups and today is no exception.
Obviously motivation is the crux; self disgust is my motivation.
I am ashamed at the untidy state and yes there is no excuse for leaving dishes unwashed for over a week.
Had a look at 10 day forecast and it’s more of the same, rain to be expected most days.
I was hoping for a couple of fine days to do some work in father’s garden.
Would prefer to get everything done before he gets out and is able to stand over me.
Don’t mind doing a bit of gardening but not when someone is issuing orders and watching over!
I will have a look at garden tomorrow, probably just wants an hour or so with the push hoe to remove weeds and generally tidy up.

Have been invited up for dinner today, having mince in a giant Yorkshire; looking forward to it.
For the last two weeks or so I haven’t been eating till after 6 p.m. which is not ideal. I do get a little hungry around midday but have made no effort to eat at this time.
I have got it in my mind to quit smoking by Tuesday, a date which coincides with his op, so will not be easily forgotten.
Once quit I will have to concentrate upon losing some weight and regaining some level of fitness.
I know I’ve been trying to achieve this for the last year but this time I feel confident.
I’d saved a few Zyban tablets to give me a start.
Probably more psychological than factual, but if I believe them to be assisting then they will and then will power will have to be my support.
I need to adopt a different frame of mind.

My father’s heart attack has brought back the feelings of shame I bear for not quitting smoking after my own heart attack.
Looking at him now, aged 75, fitter than me, he doesn’t look his age.
Here I am 50 speeding towards an early grave, digging it with every cigarette I smoke and every day I remain inactive.
True I have a disability, an uncertain future, but that is no excuse for not trying to get the best out of the present.
I am worried about my mother she seems so frail and has a nasty cough which she blames on the medication.

I had never thought I’d live this long so obviously have never considered a life in my 60’s or more.
I now have to adopt a frame of mind which accepts there may be a slim chance of me surviving for a number of years, hopefully living past my parents.

This last year has been time wasted, I adopted my usual winter hibernation, but the reward of emerging again for the summer has been so far worthless.
True I’m 95% through my ECDL and I have managed to turn an unruly area of lawn into a nice flower garden.
I have attempted to stop smoking and failed miserably at times but never stopped trying.
I have refused to get sucked in to the routine of daily drinking, preferring to treat myself to a bottle of decent malt when and if the mood takes me.
As a result of the above I have managed to save a little bit of money up to provide a financial cushion.

My most notable “achievement” must be my refusal to accept that I need tablets to control my mind.
I have been off the Zyprexa tablets for some months now, only taking them occasionally when needed to help me have a good night’s sleep.
I will not lie, there has been times when I have felt a relapse coming on, in as much as I recognised signs in my behaviour and more often thought patterns which set off alarm bells.

18 months ago, I was labelled as being a bi-polar manic-depressive.
I never accepted the label and it felt uneasy riding on my shoulders.
I had experienced a mental and physical breakdown but accepted that as part of what I regarded as simply being a mid life crisis, a time of radical change.
I began writing as a form of self-help.
I never set out to write about anything in particular simply jotted down my daily thoughts as they came and went in random order.
At times I accepted the label of my illness, wrote about my experiences, and in doing so became less afraid.
The diagnosis that my psychosis had been cannabis fuelled was perhaps correct in part, I had used the drug on a daily basis, smoking up to 17 joints per “day,”
A day being time woke up till time passed out.
I no longer have the need to use cannabis to aid long sessions of study, because I no longer am as deeply embroiled in my pursuit of knowledge, my lifestyle has changed dramatically.
I have learnt to control a mind which at one time was operating at such a speed as to render control impossible.
I have learnt to take time out, be selfish and relax, enjoy simple pleasures and be more aware of my surroundings.

I still bear the hallmarks of my crack up, expressionless face and tendency to be quiet, but saying that, the old me is still inside, waiting for release when better circumstances prevail.

In the space of a year I have become a different person, more reflective, less aggressive and agitated, deeper in thought and spirit.
I have used self-hypnosis and meditation to get me through bad times and used occasional joints to celebrate any minor victories along the way.

For years, prior to my crack up I travelled along many roads, often unlit and unsignposted, with no knowledge of how far I’d travelled, in which direction or with any destination in mind.
Thus I never knew when the journey had actually started and therefore had no way of knowing when it would end.

This last twelve months has been totally different, I had no destination in mind,
I had to rely upon my confidence to rebuild my self-esteem and hope I would be strong enough to recognise the changes along the way and build upon them.
When I was poorly I lost all self-respect, esteem, felt totally worthless and insignificant.
I was at war with the world, rejected everything that was medically said about myself and became totally selfish.
My problem was my mind,
I knew that, the problem was painfully apparent, I was in danger of losing control of my mind and if I hadn’t of had the strength to do battle I would have ended up institutionalised.
I had no thoughts of the future, all aspirations were forgotten, I wanted nothing because nothing would have been possible if I didn’t regain control over the troubled brain.
I have used this term before but I knew I had to defrag and clean up the muddled, racing thought processes, slow everything down to a manageable speed and get rid of all the clutter in my life thus giving me time and chance to sort out emotions, fears, dispel doubts and build upon positive thoughts instead of worrying about negative ones.

Depression is a dark, powerful emotion but with knowledge one can be aware of the signs and learn how to counter act the forces involved.
Fear is equally powerful, fear of losing one’s mind is extremely powerful, but that power can be reversed and used to fight, if the person is strong enough, and thankfully I was.
Anxiety; fearful of venturing out or meeting people, being unable to interact, loss of memory, inability to do simple everyday tasks, leads to apathy.
True I travelled deep inside myself at times, completely shutting out the outside “normal” world, but I had to.
I had to shut myself off from the distractions of the outside world to enable me to concentrate upon my self, the root of the problem.
By concentrating upon my self each day, noticing moods, physical and mental changes I was able to learn what triggers off individual emotions.
No doubt I could have spent months in a mental hospital trying to come to terms with my so called illness but being a solitary animal I was better able to help myself when left alone to my own devices.

Just as I notice the differing degrees of “blackness” in the woods at midnight I had to become aware of the differing depths of depression, I experienced the different levels and returned safely from each visit.

I did use cannabis to help me, I will admit to that.
When I needed a lift to help me overcome a bout of depression it was there for me, if I felt I needed a reward for the apparent progress made, I used it, preferring a joint to drinking.
When anxious about my future, thinking I may not be strong enough to cope, I used it,
When reflecting upon the positive aspects of my life, I used it to open up a different section of my mind, one which could find positive aspects, enough to bring on a feel good factor.

I will continue to use cannabis in preference to alcohol.

I feel I have turned a corner and am ready to close a chapter of my life which has been, frightening, intense, at times enjoyable, and at times extremely terrifying.
I have survived and because of the experience have become a totally different person.

I had given myself 12 months and that time period is all but up, I am ready to go forward.