16 th july

16/07/2007
05:47.Yesterday when at the hospital I parked with the front of the car up on a kerb.
When we left the grounds I remarked to my mother,
That “the exhaust sounds a bit rough,”
Sure enough, a half mile further along the road and it broke into full voice; was like driving a tractor all the way home, exhaust blowing, power down, helluva racket!
I managed to get it home. It was pouring with rain so I had no chance to check the damage, just parked up, and hoped for the best.
There is an exhaust centre in the village, only a mile or so from where I live so I planned to take it in early in the morning.

Knowing how erratic my sleep patterns are I set the alarm for eight and placed the clock under the pillow on the bed.
Took some getting to sleep but about midnight I must have dozed off.
Was having a brilliant sexual dream this morning which all too soon turned into a nightmare as my wedding tackle came under attack from two Dobermans belonging to the woman’s husband.
(Probably a moral in there somewhere, warning at very least!).
Of course I was fully awake, had a rollie to calm my nerves, and went to toilet to relieve myself.
I knew it was early morning but when I went back to bed was unable to relax enough to bring sleep back on.
5 a.m!
I laid in bed listening to my throat crackling, wheezing as I breathed in and out.
That one rollie had brought back the wheezing, I decided then that I would try and stick to the plan of giving up tomorrow,(day of father’s op).
I have 4 Zyban left, two for today and two for tomorrow, after that I will have to rely upon willpower.

The other day my father accompanied us as far as the lift after visiting,
We stopped along the way next to an electronic weighing machine,
“Jump on,” he said, and I duly obeyed.
16 fucking stone four! I was gobsmacked.
I’ve gone from 13 stone 7 to 16 stone 4 since leaving hospital.
That is a lot of weight to put on.
I know the Zyprexa is known to cause significant weight gain but nearly three stone!
The alarm bells were ringing.
I don’t eat cakes, sweets, and very little chocolate.
Meals are good quality beef, steak, chicken, and veg.
True I may get through three packets of biscuits in a month but apart from that I do not eat rubbish.

So not only do I have to quit smoking after piling on a lot of weight I have to re think my life style.

I seldom have breakfast, or dinner come to think of it, generally having first food of day at teatime followed by a snack before bedtime.

That sentence says it all; I eat at the wrong time of day.
I also have days when I do not eat at all, which will make matters worse.
I eat nowhere near the 2,000 calories per day, my thinking being, that if I don’t take the calories in then the body must use the reserves.
Obviously that plan isn’t working.

I did read somewhere that if the food intake is erratic the body panics and transforms any food immediately into fat to tide it over until the next intake.
I think that may have happened to me.

Once again the faults of my lifestyle come down to lack of management and routine.

Plus of course there is the complete absence of any exercise regime!
It’s therefore of my own doing.

I now know what has to be done, just have to set the wheels in motion.

Lately over the past six weeks or so I have noticed the computer getting slower and slower.
At about the time I was getting bombarded with demands to renew the subscription to Norton, ( I was under the impression I’d bought a full package)
I had a Trojan infection and was directed to several sites offering assistance,
If of course I paid for the service.
I refused all help.
When I tried to use Norton go back, I couldn’t, and of course there were no System restore points available either.

Angry and annoyed I deleted all traces of Norton and reverted to using the good old AVG.
True it may be a little keen with daily scans but the results showed only one infected file. Misdirect.app.
This was quarantined.
The computer was still slow, taking minutes to switch off each day, bloody annoying when you are waiting to go out but want to turn the power off first!

I looked several times at the start up menu but couldn’t honestly choose programs to disable, in my opinion it was at optimum already.
I received an offer to join Microsoft spy program and accepted, at the same time after rejecting programs called PC Doctor and pro plus I found Defender installed.
It sat there in the tray for a week or more.
Last night I checked for updates both for the system and for defender and was unable to access the update site.
I was going to get rid of the defender but after following a link explaining error message, I followed some instructions.

I was told to locate a file and rename it, I found what I considered to be the file, but there was no way I could rename it.
I was going to give up but continued to read the instructions regarding the second part.
I went into Explorer found a file and renamed it .old
Not expecting success I returned to the update site and surprising enough was able to access.
Following a quick scan five downloads were offered, one included a malicious program removal tool, the others were security updates.
They downloaded and seemed to install but when I checked four had in fact failed to install.

Normally I would have given up but I was in the mood to persevere so I initiated another scan and agreed the download and on the second attempt all updates were installed correctly.
I forget the technical jargon but it was replacing the current database with a new one which was to grow independently.
It’s all explained in the error message explanation.
Restart was required, obviously.
I checked on history and the affected files had been removed, all seemed o.k.

Result is; machine has returned to speed I would expect, everything is much faster, start up and close, reboot takes seconds and programs are opening in mseconds rather than seconds.
My only problem now is getting into Blogger, I enter details but the screen flashes on and off while attempting to load dashboard.
The only way I have been able to get in is to constantly click on claim old account while screen flashes.
Enter details on stable screen and request e. mail to verify new password and enter via link provided in mail.
Have been doing this on a daily basis for some time now.

Even remembered to set a new restore point, and was pleased to notice there are several options available.

The early morning mist has cleared a little and a weak sun is trying to make its presence felt.

Hopefully I’ll get the car fixed this morning, if not I’ll have to get the old man’s car out of the garage.
He will want his belongings taken home today if the op is still on for tomorrow.
May even get a day off from visiting tomorrow, he will be in intensive care for a couple of days.
This will probably be the only time in his life when he is truly,
Chilled.
Hope all goes well.

So out of the depths of depression I’ve emerged with plans and hopes for the immediate future.

Just as the data source of the computer was labelled old and discarded to make way for a new embryonic source which will grow while improving overall efficiency.
I am ready to treat my past in the same way and lay down the foundations for a more fruitful, healthy future.

I had given myself a year to get over my ordeal and have taken that time to understand what my mind and body have been through.
I have given my memory time to recover and as it did I was able to pinpoint key events.
Having destroyed my old diaries I had to try hard to remember some of the events.
There are still many grey areas but I am no longer concerned about them, I’m able to let them go thus eradicating many doubts and fears which were previously causing me concern.

I do not consider myself to have a mental illness which will govern the rest of my life.
I do however realise I experienced an episode which has shaped my future.
Has altered my personality, way of thinking about myself and others, has probably made me more introvert.
I have learnt a lot about my mind and discovered previously unknown facets of its use.
It was in the beginning the cause of my distress but has also been the tool which has helped me “recover.”


Took car into exhaust centre and mechanic put it on the ramp and hoisted it up.

“Front sections gone,” he informed me, and then added that the back section was well past its best. I agreed it looked quite rough.

“You’ve only the cat left” he said, I told him that I knew for a fact that the cat wouldn’t go through another M.O.T. and needed replacing.

“ I need a decent one, not one of your budget specials,” I informed him.
The boss spent a few minutes on the computer and assured me if I left it for the lads to strip down and prepare the car would be ready for collection by noon.

I left and headed home; halfway there I stopped for a cup of tea and a rest outside the café.
A bus pulled up so I quickly drained my tea and boarded the bus.
I told the driver where I was going and asked how near the bus could take me.
“I just go round the estate,” he said, and asked for 90 pence.
I eventually got off after touring round the estate at a stop not more than 500 yards away from where I had gone on.

I walked up the hill towards my flat and was walking down the garden path before I realised.
The house key was on the key ring with the car ignition key.
There was no way on earth I was going to walk back to get it!

I deadheaded a few marigolds while considering what to do.

I decided to visit a neighbour, he was asleep but woke up as I entered and laid out exhausted on his uncomfortable two-seater sofa.
I told him how foolish I had been and said I would pass an hour until the pubs opened.
Eventually he woke himself up arose from the sofa , got dressed and made me a cup of tea, for which I was grateful.His electric meter alarm was sounding but undaunted he continued watching television until the power gave up.

I got myself ready and walked back down the hill into the village where I decided to treat myself to a breakfast in the café.
Really enjoyed it, well worth the £3.00.
I still had time to kill so I called in to the newsagents to redeem a winning ticket, which I swapped for a further two then on to the pub for a swift pint.

!2 o’clock approached so I set forth to collect my car, just as I entered the forecourt they were dropping the ramp, couldn’t have timed it better.
The final bill was £270.00.
Little bit of a shock but worth it if it gives peace of mind for a while.

Driving home was like driving a new car, very quiet and smooth.
I remembered to take the clematis out of the car boot, it looks nice in front of the drain pipe near the front garden, I’ll fetch a couple of long canes home tonight and secure it.
I’ve kept it in the shade for a couple of months to delay flowering so now it should burst forth into bloom and provide a bit of height to the garden.

When I got home I decided to tidy my wallet up and discard the losing lottery scratch card, was just about to throw it away when I noticed if a leprechaun symbol was showing then all four prizes would be payable.

Quickly I scratched off the prizes; sadly they only totalled £5.00.
I scratched one of the cards I’d just got, I’d told the young lass to pick out any two because she had a lucky face.
One card was a loser but the other was £20.00 so there’s a little bit back off the bill.

The weather is quite pleasant, sun shining and a light breeze just taking the edge off the temperature.
I’m sat with fan on, nice cooling breeze circulating around the room.

True I have had to walk more than I would have chosen to but any exercise has to be good for me, regardless of the repercussions and having a breakfast is a start to eating at a more acceptable time of day.
With a bit of luck that meal will last me all day.

Haven’t had a phone call yet from ma so I’m assuming pa is still on track to receive his op tomorrow.
No doubt he will be in a bit of a state today, I know he is frightened but he is trying hard not to show any signs of weakness, as is the norm in our family.

Place needs hovering and will look half tidy, may do that chore before departing for visit.

Have learnt something today,
Black pudding and Tetley’s Imperial tend to be aggressive towards one another!

Have to feel sorry for old man!
He’s spent all day getting himself psyched up for the op tomorrow, nurses came round while we were there and explained everything, gave him his gown and shaved him.
Then just before we were about to leave he was told he was being postponed again, that’s gotta hurt.
He tried to put a brave face on but I could tell he was disappointed;
He just wants to get everything over with and get home.
Apparently they have admitted patients from another hospital and they are getting ops straight away which is pissing some of the patients off.

One of the nurses who was present in St Lukes has just been given a nine month, suspended jail sentence for using a patients’ credit card.
For some reason she has opened her mouth and said the night staff are using amphetamines to stay awake.
http://www.gazettelive.co.uk/news/news/tm_headline=nurses-in-drug-claim-shock%26method=full%26objectid=19455268%26siteid=109975-name_page.html
I never saw any signs of the staff “speeding.”
True the nurse mentioned in the report was a “cranky” bitch, we fell out a couple of times, she had airs and graces and was always reading high brow shopping magazines, not a member of staff to turn to if one required help.
Some of the staff did take advantage of quiet times on night shift to grab some shuteye.