20 th November.

20 November
Chest and throat feel fine; I now have to see how long I can last out for.
The weather is pleasantly sunny and the wind has died down a lot.
Last night it was gale force and I’d have hated to be out in it!
Very strong and destructive it sounded.
The wind is still around and judging by the movement of the treetops, still has a fair amount of strength.
I slightly opened one window before retiring and the place smells quite pleasant considering the amount of smoke in the room last night.

I wish I could flush my body as easy;

I now have to think of ways of passing the time till the nicotine addiction is overpowered.
Today will be the hardest day, the first day of abstinence.
I have been searching for something to keep me occupied over the winter months and have made a short list of possibilities which include art and music making on the p.c.
If I was deflated at the degree of skill required for the exam I now face a much harder challenge.
If I do nothing else in the next six months but concentrate of packing in smoking then I will have achieved a lot more than I envisaged.
This will be probably the hardest challenge yet to stop smoking during a period of relative inactivity and boredom.
I will have to feel advantages soon or the will power will wain and I’ll fail yet again.
Obviously I expected to be going to bed last night with a chest and throat wheezing and crackling but no! Clear as a bell.
This morning it remains so,
The whole plan began whilst sat in my parent’s house after having a delightful Sunday meal.
There were some elastic bands on the side near my seat and I slipped on onto my wrist.
I sat and recalled a TV program about anger management in which the elastic band was used against the wrist in a slapping action to dispel feelings of anger before they became destructive.
I have been looking for suggestions to go along with a planned attempt at self hypnosis and wondered if I could combine the action of the elastic along with hypnosis.
I.e. when I want a cigarette I simply twang the elastic against my wrist and whatever autosuggestions I’ve managed to instil will manifest themselves.
I know I no longer need the baccy, and at times have been painfully aware that I didn’t want it, (when chain smoking).
I do not want to pay for it,
Am aware that it is damaging my health; my chest and throat and overall capacity to function effectively i.e. fitness.
I no longer want to smell of it either my flat or my clothes.
All the above and possibly more have to be combined into suggestions, which I have to score deeply into the subconscious in an effort to be successful.

I could quite happily light up now but I made sure last night before going to bed that there wasn’t the slightest trace of tobacco left so therefore no chance to produce one,
I even emptied the ashtray in the car so as to remove temptation.
I pick up the empty tobacco pouch and there is enough to make one!
Not as cute as I thought I was.
I skin one up and my head throbs with anticipation, for surely the first one of the day will take my head off.
I try to enjoy it yet it tastes not quite right, the taste of defeat comes through,
My head becomes lighter and the noise of tinnitus in my right ear becomes louder than the sounds I’m listening to.
I inhale deeply and wonder if my plan will be set back or am I strong enough to smoke it and resume along the path to abstinence.
Tinnitus is high pitched; out stripping even the highest sounds produce on the meditation channel, which I’m listening to.
Am I enjoying it?
I smoke it because its there, if I hadn’t checked the packet I would have thrown it away along with the contents.
I draw it down to the tip and stub it out knowing full well there is sufficient dust left to make another.
I chose to make two small ones instead of one fat one.
It has affected me and I feel light headed as I always do after the first one.
Sometimes after a gap of 20 hrs. or more I feel the same way I did all those years ago when I first began smoking.

I have a slight headache in the middle of my forehead.

The taste is unpleasant and of course the room will now smell from the smoke.
I drink tea in an effort to clear the taste but that doesn’t work, I’ll wait till I’ve smoked the next one and have a mouthwash and brush my teeth.
Never give up trying to give up!
I cannot understand why I left such an amount in the packet yet destroyed all other sources, even emptied ashtray down the toilet.
No problem,

It’s at times like this when I wish I had some sleeping tablets, which would allow me to go back to sleep and get over the first 24 hour period.
There’s no reaction in my stomach; I usually get craving, hunger like sensations when having first few cigs of day, today I just get acid.
I roll the second one up, I now know there are no more sources left.
This is to be my last cigarette.
I had hoped last night that I’d get a longer sleep than usual, due to the whisky consumption but unfortunately I didn’t.
I type and smoke.
I sit and watch it smoke in my fingers, I’m almost convinced that it’s not wholly the nicotine I crave but the having of the cig in between my fingers and the inhalation which I desire.
I’d decided not to use the inhaler simply to replace the nicotine levels; if I’m to stop then I see no reason to continue taking nicotine into my body.
I take a deep breath and inhale deeply as the rollie slowly burns away.
Best laid plans of mice and men, go wrong again!
I take the last draw and stub it out.

I have to be strong now and resist the urge to go to the shop for whatever reason to avoid buying more,
It’s Monday and it would be all too easy to go into town and buy direct from my supplier, I must resist the impulse to do so.
I have to be a non-smoker.

Smoking is killing me; its reducing my chances of survival if I encounter further problems with my heart, its making me unfit, it smells, makes me and my surroundings smell.

I’m fifty and I decided this year would be a year of change; its getting near the end of the year and I’m running out of time.
I want to be fitter, breath easier, hopefully live longer.

I wish there was somewhere where I could be locked up and deprived access to tobacco for a few days to get over the first few days which I know will be the hardest,
if only I can last for a few days then I believe I could be successful.

In reality I am on my own, for truthfully only I can do it.
No amount of assistance, no matter how well founded can help a person to quit.
I recall what my friend had said that day, “what else is there to do”, well I’ll have to find other things to do until I can get over the habit.
Habit is not really a good word unless one looks at the word meaning addiction, as a junkie would have a habit.
I cannot remember when I actually started but must have been smoking now for 35 years so the task in hand was never going to be easy.
Perhaps the damage done so far cannot be rectified but at least it will be stemmed, hopefully.
My headache has gone and I rinse out my mouth with sweet tea.
The time has come to take control of my life and break away from smoking.
Can I do it? Am I strong enough?
I fear not but will try all the same.
It sounds such a simple thing to do, just pack it in;
but smoking has such a hold on a person that it becomes one of life’s greatest challenges to give up the weed.
I want to move with the times and the times are changing as people’s reactions to smoking have changed;
Smokers are no longer to be tolerated, many places are opting for smoke free environments and I heartedly agree with such ideas.
I think of going to the pub having a couple of beers but that would include buying some baccy so out.
I cannot stay in bed and sleep through the first 24 hrs. So will have to find activities to take my mind of wanting a cigarette.
I was amazed last night that my chest was so quiet and my breathing was relaxed. I used to smoke half ounce per. day when I was working but my job allowed me a lot of time on my hands for playing cards and smoking, I changed from smoking cigarettes to hand rolling because I was smoking too many and they were costly even back then in the 80’s before mass smuggling.
I haven’t done much with my life, haven’t achieved a great deal so this challenge would be the only success I could muster.

I add another piece of chewing gum to the well-chewed lump in my mouth,
I bought same yesterday to take place of rollie.
My mouth is instantly cleansed of tobacco taste and feels better for it.
I have to stop now before it is too late to make any difference to my health.
I have given up the cannabis in as much as I no longer seek it,
I have given up drinking socially in as much as I can take it or leave it so now I face the main challenge of becoming nicotine free.
Today is going to be a long drawn out affair,
Hour by hour will be slow progress.
I don’t crave a rollie just know that I’d have one if the baccy was available.
To truly give up I’d have to be able to resist whilst in possession of a pouch, don’t intend to try that out because I know I’ll weaken.
The effects of the two rollies have long gone and I am normal.
What mood today? Hopeful.

I drink my tea and tell myself to put some socks on because despite the sun coming through the window it is still a little chilly,
01:00 PM
Beginning of a non-smoker?
I still mostly consider myself as a smoker who hasn't had a cigarette in a long time, rather than a non-smoker.One day or minute at a time (if necessary) helped meand to remember a craving psychologically and physiologically only lasts 3 minutes according to research
Sat up with quilt wrapped round till?